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  • Unsure When my husband and I argue I'm constantly reminded of by h I m of his exes and how they did things "right." This has gone on for over 10 years.......hasn't this been going on long enough? 4 years ago   *   10 replies
    • thenooge Why are they exes if they did things right? 4 years ago
      • Julie Anne I agree; if they did everything right, they wouldn't be ex's. Unless, they're the ones who did the leaving...maybe you should ask yourself why people always leave him. Maybe he's the one who does it all wrong??? He certainty shouldn't be comparing you to them. That's not healthy. 4 years ago
    • brooklynblue @unsure. EEEEEEWWWWW. i am hating that for you. YUCK. can you talk about how unproductive that is? he needs to look at himself and you can look at you. criticizing the other NEVER works. 4 years ago
    • Ronald He's an idiot, if his X was so perfect she wouldn;t be his X 4 years ago
    • Mr. Mag 357 You being the woman have all the power to show him how other men would be happy to "do things right" to make you happy...some women like us men "putting you in your place" but if thats all you you get out you two's interaction, there's nothing to stick around for. BTW, he's projecting on to you some thing he's insecure about on his end. As a man with a bunch of sisters and female friends, you can live again without that chain on you. Redefine yourself 4 years ago
      • Unsure I just need to learn how 4 years ago
        • SallyAlexis I have found that the less attention you give to bad behavior the less power it has. if you keep a cool head and do 'to get into the web things will probably improve. 3 years ago
    • dynamic This is a common situation but you are in an abusive relationship. We can talk about arguing and yada yada, but the comments said repeatedly are more important. It will only get worse unless you take action. The best one is get indifferent on him. It's in the ballpark of what SALLAYLEXIS is talking about. People would rather NOT lose something than to gain something. You are that thing he doesn't want to lose, however your engaging with his abusive actions will only make them worse over time. When a man is about to lose his woman, he changes because he wants to win. Its just how we are. In this case your only acting indifferent, because if you actually are it's time of a divorce. He currently has the upper hand mentally because he feels there are no true consequences for his action. There are a lot of other tactics but to not have a 5-page reply, use your womanly ways and get creative. He must know that it's very real that you'll leave him if he continues to abuse you. 3 years ago
    • ROSE why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft And don't be surprised if leaving or threatening to leave him doesn't change a damn things. Abusers rarely change / and if they do - it's for the worse. 3 years ago
  • AMpr411 What do you think about having classes on schools and Colleges to be a better person, couple and parent? The system teach people to be successful about money, what about human beings? 4 years ago   *   10 replies
    • TDOG i think it would be brilliant. the only system we currently have is modeling our own parents and obviously many of our parents are disastrous in relationships. religion used to be helpful in this arena but since that has broken down as an influential institution , we are adrift morally, emotionally, spiritually. marriage needs a makeover. then maybe divorce wont be so vile and costly. 4 years ago
    • ardentdreams To be humane is a quality that cannot be taught. Nor can empathy. These qualities need to already be within a person. However, classes that teaches someone steps or processes to ASSIST them (baby steps) to become a better boyfriend or girlfriend is plausible but I feel it may fail in practice when you add different personalities to it. 4 years ago
    • lulu c i think it would be great. yes to be humane may not be able to be taught but some people have just had bad examples given to them (via parents, teachers, etc). doesn't mean they cannot be shown the right way. some people just don't know how to react in certain situations because they were never shown that you can react in a better way getting better results for everyone. i can learn to think better, remember better, improve my motor skills, cooking skills, why not the chance to improve your interpersonal skills? 4 years ago
    • AMpr411 Ardentdreams I think every human is beautiful and pure when we born, like Lulu says is what we have around: models and examples that we copy, divorce parents, dysfunctional families, people afraid to show love and emotions . I believe you can teach people to be better and also to make the right choice if you are looking for a good BF or GF. I resist to believe that a baby comes with wrong decisions and bad attitudes to life. The environment has a huge influence to support you or destroy you. So Ardentdreams do you think you could learn how to add and multiply but not how to talk instead yell when you are mad, or how to show love and kindness to everyone instead to care sometimes a lot about money and material things? 4 years ago
    • Stacy It's an intriguing idea. But who would decide what morality to teach? And who decides what is considered humane? What would the lessons be like if they were being taught in 1930's and 1940's Germany, for example? Moral relativism is a sliding scale based on current culture. 4 years ago
    • thenooge You kind of just have to learn this stuff from family, friends, whoever you are around. Most people are generally good. People who are bad probably need counseling or something and they just don't get it. Like others have said, you can't really institutionalize the teaching of morals. 4 years ago
    • AMpr411 Yes my idea its about this moment: 2014. I wasn't asking about morality, because we will judging gays, abortion, etc and those are not my thoughts about these classes on schools. Who decide what to teach? normally as schools programs were created: a lot of people put together their ideas that could benefit the majority, but we can just name few here: the program would include, talking in class about bullying in a deep way, what happen in your home that you are reacting aggressive against other kids, don't steal even if you are poor or if may be your parents don't care if you are doing it.. I can make a list of a complete program and how to teach kids to change bad habits for healthy ones. What is consider humane? A good, mentally healthy, person that wont hurt another person around in any way, somebody that care about everyone and the world we live, a person smart enough to don't hurt him/herself with drugs alcohol and bad food to start ..Thenooge it would be great and ideal if every family teach the right things, but if you have 5 years old and your parents are fighting because they are getting divorce, don't you think you would appreciate some support, good advises and 2 hours in class of, to say something, meditation, and loving environment in your school and Im not talking about therapy (because you have to pay for those and they are a lot of people cant afford it) Im really curious why morals cant be teach it in a classroom? are more difficult than trigonometry? Does anyone heard about special teachers that save or motivate students in notorious ways? 4 years ago
    • Julie Anne ALL OF THOSE CLASSES ARE AVAILABLE!!! Good news, huh? They might not be called the same thing, but they sure do work. Community colleges in my area offer classes in Positive Psychology, Human Sexuality (more about Psychology than it sounds), personal development, counseling, personal financial success, etc, etc, etc... Psychology in general is a great field of study because not only are you learning how to help others, you can take all of that new knowledge and actually apply it to your own life and family. 4 years ago
      • AMpr411 Thanks Julie Anne for your info.. I want to ask you what happen when you have 10 years old?, I'm asking about classes included at kids schools programs.. not just selective classes if you are in the Psychology field, do they have those classes and valid for credits if you want to be a engineer? 4 years ago
    • mwaters I think Human Being 101 is a fabulous idea. I think this is why so many people, including Aldos Huxley, thought the 12 steps to be the greatest invention of the 20th century: they give you a new operating system. Teach you how to live. Most of us don't learn that on the way up. Also fiscal sobriety. A re-parenting movement! 3 years ago
  • anon13 Can someone tell why I should get married instead of just having exactly the same life (relationship, living together, growing old together) but just not get married? There are pros and cons. But it seems like if you never got married but then split up, you still have the emotional pain but get to skip some other hassles. Most of marriage's legal benefits can be obtained, if one wishes, by other means (as same-sex couples have done for years). So why not just live exactly like a married couple, but not get married? 4 years ago   *   11 replies
    • thenooge I know a lot of the legal benefits you can obtain by other means, but what about something like when your partner is in the hospital and only family members are allowed to visit? I'm sure there are other things like that. Also, a lot of people get married because they want to, or because of their religious beliefs, or whatever. Or maybe your partner really wants to get married, and you don't really care, so you might as well do it, because, who cares? 4 years ago
    • AMpr411 May be if you want to have kids, you need to have same last name.. To feel like a family, beside benefits like insurance, and medical rights as Thenooge wrote, I don't think 2 people need to sign a paper to be happy or in a real commitment, women tend to believe they will keep forever a man just because a contract... I believe the honest and deep desire to be together is stronger than anything. 4 years ago
    • TDOG the definition of marriage just needs to change. period. 4 years ago
    • ardentdreams Marriage is really how you view it. Does it bring more unity to a family? To some it may. The rules of marriage has changed so much these days that its really becoming more of a fad then a religious union of two souls. (Mind you in some religions the concept of divorce is frowned upon AND pre-marital sex which voids the idea of having children since normally you would need to be married first then have children). Times are changing. So it just comes back to you - Do you want to bear his last name (or vice versa), sign the documents, have a ceremony (or not) or do you feel just living together and being together suffices? For me, personally, marriage is just paperwork and a document that legally states that we are in a relationship. Again, it just depends on how the both of you view marriage. My friend's parents never have gotten married but they have been together for 25+ years. 4 years ago
    • Unsure That's what I did for many years and now that we're married divorce is what I think of when we fight. You should do what makes you happy and comfortable NOT what you think is "normal" 4 years ago
    • AMpr411 Anon13 I believe there are more and more people not believing on marriage, is like everything else: religion, hobbies, art, food, place to live... you just need to find the person that is at the same page as you. But personally I don’t think its a good idea being in a relationship and avoid getting married just because you believe that the ending it would be easier than with the contract, you don't want to be that realistic and cynical on love. 4 years ago
    • porcupine Getting married or obtaining legal benefits by other means is also a hassle! Maybe examine why you are focused on the divorce part. From a practical standpoint, our society's laws are designed for married couples so it could make life easier, really. There are even state laws that put you in that designation anyway if you live together long enough so a split up could still involve legal battles. There are definite reasons people are fighting for marriage rights. 3 years ago
    • dynamic There is no legal benefit that marriage brings. I'm a legal consultant and see marriage form a legally educated point. If both people have Durable power of attorney for health care on each other (less than a days work) then the hospital excuse is dead in the water. Tax benefits? Aim your cannons there too because there are ways to simply reduce your tax liability to much lower numbers that any amount of claiming you can. Saying it's "difficult" is just ignorance talking because one doesn't know the process and is too lazy to google it like other less important topics they likely have. Want the same last name? The woman always can legally change it to cling to the past if she wishes. "Feeling" like a family is just that, a feeling. You are or you are not, that type of family is a fact regardless of feeling. If we start changing definitions, then the word loses all value because once that gate is open, everyone will make a different definition to fit their beliefs. Common law marriage in your state? Non-issue. Put your assets in trust (which would be practicing good financial practices and protecting each other. Some would call that love.) If one learned the history of marriage, maybe they wouldn't blindly cling to the idea so much. Truth is stranger than fiction is all I'll say about marriage's history. The benefit of not getting married is far greater than those of getting married from a psychological standpoint...mainly for a man. If you lock a dog in a cage (marriage), what happens to it over time? The day that cage door opens, what will the dog do? So ask yourself, does your dog stay with you because you have a great relationship or because you always had him locked up (via leash, fence, kennel)? If I always have the option with minimal consequences to leave and never do so versus being married and knowing there's going to be hell to pay so I stay, who would you rather be in a relationship with? I wouldn't say ANON13 is "avoiding" marriage, but merely learning from past and current trends. Avoiding marriage assumes marriage is an absolute when it's obviously not (gay people anyone? Though they're being dupped into the madness too. Ignorance is not blissful at all). 3 years ago
    • STACIE Well though several months later than your post, I can say that it's because weddings are fun to plan. I mean who doesn't like a big party? Also to dress up like a princess for the day, nothing wrong with that either. I am separated from my soon to be ex husband, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy going to weddings. 3 years ago
      • Boogie I LOL'ed! What a great business idea! Throw "wedding parties" but don't actually get people married! Everyone can take turns being the bride. 3 years ago
      • anon13 Hi, good responses, thanks! I still haven't heard a real reason to get legally married. 1) Legal benefits: can be obtained w/o getting married, as same-sex couples have done for year. As Dynamic says, doing this stuff isn't any harder than getting a wedding license and planning a wedding, and it's light-years easier than a divorce. Remember, the divorce rate among never-marrieds is 0%. 2) Religious/Family: Sure, just do the ceremony but don't file the legal documents. That's what matters. 3) Weddings are fun: Sure, just have a great party. It's hard for some people to get it through their heads that marriage is only what your local politicians say it is. That is a fact. Shouldn't be that way, but it is. 2 years ago
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