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  • AMpr411 I would like to know how I should handle my situation: Im trapped with my BF in an almost complete destroyed relationship and I need still to be in his house, because I don't have the source to be on my own. I have been tried to be open honest with him, but he is recovering after a rehab situation, so speak with him its still not easy. Im looking for jobs and how to be independent again, I don't have any family or friends because I moved here from another country. What would you do in my situation? 3 years ago   *   18 replies
    • Danni girl have you tried to talk to him about having an open relationship? You both do what you have to make rent and cook and clean but you see other ppl on the side, until you can figure out whats your next step? 3 years ago
    • AMpr411 Yes I tried it, but he still has hopes and he is a very sensitive person and because his additions in the past he cant think emotionally clear. Also he is the one bringing all the money to the house, because I moved from another state and I left my business and everything to be with him and with the dream to start all over with him here, but things turned completely different. 3 years ago
      • Danni girl That sound like a really messy situation! I hope you can figure things out and find peace and happiness... 3 years ago
    • Happyhesgone I'm so sorry, AMPR. My ex was an alcoholic who went to rehab. But recovery really is an ongoing thing (you're never 'recovered'), and what I learned was that he really wasn't a very nice person to ME, even when sober. It's really rough when you don't have the resources. I'd just try to keep looking for a job (easier said than done, I know), or look into education possibilities. I was a SAHM, so I understand. I eventually got up the courage to end the marriage (and it was a looooooooong eventually), and I went back to school to finish my degree. Look for the possibilities. You're not married to him. You just need to find your way out of an unhealthy relationship. :-) 3 years ago
      • thenooge I agree. Just keep your head down and focus on getting a job so you can be independent if you want to be. You won't be "trapped" forever. You could always rent a room or a small apartment, whatever you can afford, if you really want to get out of a bad situation. 3 years ago
    • AMpr411 Thanks danni and happyhesgone... I look forward everyday to find my place in every way.. Its so helpful so share with other people that are or were in similar situations. Thanks!! 3 years ago
      • Danni girl I know that having ppl to talk to that actually are or have experienced the same things your going through is such a release! and to just be able to express your side without being judged or sides bein took is awesome! 3 years ago
        • AMpr411 I was going to ALANON.. but then I stopped going because I know I have a financial situation, I care about him, but I know he is not the type of man for me. I talk to friends but then I find myself repeating same type of problems with him, and I know I'm done. I moved out few months ago, I was working with a friend of him and then the guy just fired me, so I was in a rented room without a job. that's why I always have been a entrepreneur I do by myself and nobody can just fired me with or without a reason(like in my case) 3 years ago
    • dusty1106 I know that this may seem like a BIG step backwards, but have you thought about getting in touch with family for help, maybe even a place to go? 3 years ago
      • AMpr411 Dusty1106, I would love to have family where to go.. I'm in CA by family and friends live in other countries and states. I wont mind to take that step to jump back in my independent life.. 3 years ago
        • Stacy Are you unemployed at the moment? Maybe it would be worth it to contact a family member in another state and go there to start over? You sound open to the idea, and if there isn't much else keeping you in CA, moving away might be the quickest solution for you? 3 years ago
        • Mr. Mag 357 YOU are definitely in a tough position but what it's showing is that you're on the brink of awesome if you take the first step on faith. I know you are an attractive woman and I know that you can charm a potential employer (maybe not your dream job, but enough to live comfortably) if you can charm a recovering addict. What he needs most isn't limited to physical form therefore you can move on with your life without destroying his if hes serious about recovery. If he holds you hostage for his "sanity" he's not where he needs to be anyway. Listen, LOOK FOR A JOB. GO GET THAT JOB. GET A SHITTY PLACE TO STAY. HUSTLE IN THE REAL WORLD AND ONLINE. UPGRADE. FIND A BETTER MATE. FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOU AND LIFE IN GENERAL. The End. 3 years ago
          • AMpr411 Thanks Stacy.. yes I'm unemployed. Thanks Mr.Mag 357, I did it few months ago, I was sleeping in a rented room, in the floor, I don't mind, just to do the right thing for me and him. I will do it again. Thanks about your thoughts that I'm an attractive woman! Happy new year to all! 3 years ago
    • justdone There's always some other place to go. If you're a resident of another country, your passport can grant you access to international hostels as cheap as $10 a night in most major cities. Also check AirBNB for inexpensive living arrangements; sometimes you can get a nice room for $30/night. If you need work, try websites such as craigslist and taskrabbit for small jobs to make quick cash until you find something more permanent. 3 years ago
      • Tiffany Yes! Websites like Taskrabbit are awesome. There are also many juobs listed on Craigslist. Finding at least part-time or temporary work can help get you by as you're figuring out the rest of your life. :-) 3 years ago
    • superadmin empty 3 years ago
    • sam20 AMPR411- I think the best way to heal and move on is to start a new life completely without him. Force yourself out there and meet new people and make new friends that are completely your own. It's hard when all of your friends are mutual friends who you met through couples. You owe it to yourself to be happy! Do everything in your power to get to that point. Moving out and with a random roommate could be a great thing for you. It's your next adventure. 2 years ago
    • musicgirlcali I am also in another country with no family or friends. I have children and am Married and cannot leave either. The main advice people Have given me Is save money and try to make an arrangement with my husband so I can get out do the marriage and get on with our lives as co parents. If you don't want to be with him can you leave the country and go home? Do you want to stay in the new country? Will he financially help you to leave him or does he expect you to stay with him? I Wish you luck! Praying for both of us to have peace... 2 years ago
  • Spikebee Any one have ideas for the holidays post split? Do you try to meet up with the ex...with kids or without or at all? 3 years ago   *   12 replies
    • TDOG What do you mean by "meet up"? 3 years ago
    • Spikebee Meet in try to see them or try to avoid them? What has others experience been post break up holidays (first ones)? 3 years ago
      • brooklynblue for me it would be all about the kids, not the ex. so, if you are all doing something together - then , focus on that but i wouldnt see them without the kids! i dont see the point of that... am i missing something? 3 years ago
    • Danni girl does the ex not have any custody right? If not I would let the ex see the kids on the holidays just to be nice... 3 years ago
    • Happyhesgone I did that the first holiday (Christmas), and wish I hadn't. Daddy was supposed to come to the house by 6 am because Santa would be there by then. Daddy overslept and didn't show up until about two hours later, while the kids sat waiting and staring at their presents. That set the tone for the rest of it. LOL I guess I just don't believe in that, especially if you have young kids (I did). Then they always tend to think, "Mommy and Daddy are getting back together," because they just don't understand "special holiday," etc. They just think, "Look. There's Mommy and Daddy being nice and we're a family again," etc. If anything, you can split the holiday (if it's Christmas, maybe one parent has them Christmas Eve, one Christmas Day). And tell the kids how special the time is going to be with the other parent. 3 years ago
      • brooklynblue we do the xmas eve and xmas thing. and my ex sleeps over or i sleep at his house each year so when the kids wake up we can all wake up together and do presents and all that madness. 3 years ago
        • JENnI That's really admirable of you! Don't know if I could do that if I had kids or not. I give you tons of respect for doing that together for the benefit of your kids. 3 years ago
    • dusty1106 In my understanding, you tr and let the kids spend time during the holidays with each parent individually. Find a place to meet and exchange the kids for a set number of days. 3 years ago
      • thenooge I agree with this. Don't "meet up" with the ex without the kids. That doesn't make much sense. The only reason to meet up is to exchange the kids so they can see both parents at the holidays. Until it's been a few years and everyone understands the boundaries and everyone is comfortable being together. My parents, step-parents, kids, etc can all do the holidays together, but that's only because it's been a while. 3 years ago
    • Unsure If the kids aren't there then why would you want to meet up with your ex? 3 years ago
    • izzi How well do you get along with your ex? If you can tolerate eachother, I can say, its best for the kids to have both their parents together for the holidays. Its hard to do, but its all about the kids. I am past that point, and wish I had a more amicable divorce. 3 years ago
    • Unsure I thought about this a little more and if the kids are young you should all be together to at least have dinner or "present time." 3 years ago
  • Spikebee I am interested in how and where people are meeting these days. Match, E Harmony...the grocery store...what has been your experience? 3 years ago   *   21 replies
    • TDOG Omg don't get me started!!! 3 years ago
    • Danni girl My cousins all met their husbands at church... I met my first husband at work (that didn't go well) and my current husband at the club (go figure) I hear e-net dating is the thing to do if you don't like the bar/club scene... 3 years ago
    • AMpr411 Hi Spikebee, you can go to a gym and meet people there, don't go to a bar, at least you want to date a future AA person!! :). you can use those sites and there are nice and interesting people there, but also you have to be very careful and be friends first before you get romantic, because it could be even dangerous. I almost married to guys that I met in internet, and 1 of them is still my friend and also my business partner. But I would say you have 50/50% of good or not that good type of persons that you could meet on those sites. 3 years ago
      • strugglecity I feel like the gym suggestion needs an asterisk: don't try and pick up people at the gym. If you're there to work out every day and you really enjoy your class and routine and happen to see the same person there often, feel free to strike up a conversation, but only after there's a kind of established, superficial relationship. Don't be creepy, and don't be like those gold diggers at Equinox who don't actually work out. 2 years ago
    • melisam_1973 My first hubby was my hs sweetheart and that didn't work out. I meet my current hubby online through a chatroom. I used to have guys come up to me when I was younger, now that I'm older - no such luck. LOL. 3 years ago
    • brooklynblue a friend of mine set me up and i have been seeing my bf for 1 1/2 years... but i feel like people dont set people up that much anymore. 3 years ago
      • strugglecity That's the ONLY way to go in my opinion! That way the friends have been vetted by at least two other people. Once you're in a relationship, there's no reason to get out of the dating game. Just start playing it for someone else. 2 years ago
    • splitter really wish i was asked out more. in person. like on the street even. feel like asking someone out on a date in person is a lost art. 3 years ago
      • 7suellen i agree splitter; i have met nice people on dating sites, but more than not it feels like a job interview. everyone is on their guard. deflecting the weirdos or thinking they have to! so there's no romance or randomness to it. without that, it immediately takes away the fun or the unplanned feeling of bumping in to someone and connecting. 3 years ago
    • Happyhesgone Errr...Barnes and Noble on a Saturday night...magazine section. (Don't ask me how I know this.) 3 years ago
    • Casanova44 I have tried dating websites, however nothing beats meeting a person through mutual friends, it breaks the ice much better as it provides reference to how great you are right off the bat. 3 years ago
    • Stacy I have a good friend who met her husband on Match. They are perfect for one another and he is a true catch. So it definitely can be done, but she met a lot of frogs before meeting him :) 3 years ago
    • mwaters at work. like, two desks away. 3 years ago
    • Newyorknative My friend met a great guy on eharmony. He adores her and treats her really well and she is so happy. He's everything she needs and deserves to have and nothing like her ex husband. It took her a while to sign up but once she did she embraced it. It took a few dates before she found someone but she did. She didn't have any other opportunities to meet some one. She was 50 in good shape and attractive but honestly where do you go to meet a man at that age. I did hear that Match tends to be people who are rebound dating and eharmony are people really looking for long term. At least that's what she said. 2 years ago
      • anonymous1 Wish dudes would come up to me and ask me out. Didn't that used to happen? Is the art of "asking someone out" over? 2 years ago
    • alphabeta There are Lot of new ones out there... 2 years ago
    • erinnn Trying to remember his new one where they link you with your existing social networks. It's brilliant . 2 years ago
    • dynamic We're only limited by our skill level at attracting a mate so anywhere. A place doesn't dictate the quality of people (though it may be an indicator). People in the club are [insert negative view here]. What about those people who were dragged their or came out for a birthday party? You're obviously in there for those very same reasons. Book stores? If you're looking to meet people there, then so are others. If this is the case, does the fact that they are in a books store really mean anything? Gym? Yea, there are a lot of posers but other people are just there to work out and leave. What happens when someone else happens to catch your eye while you happen to be at the gym? So are people in gyms to be avoided? 'Tis only our self-limiting beliefs that limit us and and (for this subject) the amount of meet up spots. 2 years ago
  • TDOG brilliant article about how the 10 year contract will save marriage: 3 years ago   *   10 replies
    • Spikebee Interesting...worth reading... 3 years ago
    • melisam_1973 Very interesting 3 years ago
      • splitter really smart. like any contract.... you have the choice to renew. we only started marrying for love less than 100 years ago..... ya know? it was always a socio-cultural-financial contract! 3 years ago
    • Stacy Interesting. But I don't know if this would be a solution to the astronomical divorce rates we have in America. A quick google search shows that the average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is 8 years, would these people hang on another 2 years until the their contract runs out? What would be the consequences if they ended it early? Or would they be able to end it? And what happens with the children?? I do agree that in America we marry for love and usually aren't very practical about our decision, but it seems that this type of agreement isn't going to change that way of thinking. This just sounds like divorce...simplified. 3 years ago
      • erinnn the biggest predictor of divorce is marriage. it should be much harder to get married and much easier to divorce. 3 years ago
    • thenooge This is just putting a different arbitrary endpoint on marriage. Till death, 10 years, 7 years, 15 years, why would any of those periods of time be better than any other for all married people to subscribe to? If you're going to be married forever, great. If you're going to get divorced after 9 years, great. 3 years ago
      • erinnn divorce is really complex and hard for people because there was nothing set up contractually in the beginning that defines the relationship. everyone thinks they are "owed" at the end... it;s crazy . 3 years ago
        • dynamic Divorce is not complex. It's two people who know longer wish to be together. Very simple. The surrounding circumstances is what makes it complicated. Saying it's complex is more like an excuse. When you have two uncivil people (or just one), anything can be complex in terms of a relationship. People are crazy when hopped up on emotions. When Love turns to hate, things get ugly really quick. No contract will change human behavior in a broken system. There are too many variables to pin point the reasons marriages fail so easy. There are clearly main categories but that's a discussion for another time. 2 years ago
    • alphabeta Smart 2 years ago
    • porcupine I don't think this adds a benefit except to those with commitment issues. A prenup extended takes the core idea of marriage and hope for a positive future and turns it into a business mindset. Besides, what is life without risk? Some things you have to take on faith. 2 years ago
  • brooklynblue i know deep deep down my marriage is cooked but the idea of disrupting the sweet family we have created makes me so ill. gotta say, i'd almost rather HE left me than be the one that pulls the trigger. something strangely easier to me about being the victim rather than the perpetrator. 3 years ago   *   8 replies
    • Spikebee It can be difficult, but what is right is right. If you can both agree to let the kids come first, it can work out. If one party (or two) is bitter it can be a real bummer for all. 3 years ago
    • SallyAlexis I understand this! I didn't want to pull the trigger either, but men will hang on until bitter end and act badly. I finally did it, and I am glad! but it is still sad on holidays. 3 years ago
      • brooklynblue my man didnt act badly, he just so wanted the fantasy of "us" to continue..... it was just so sad. how are old are your kids @SALLYALEXIS? 3 years ago
        • SallyAlexis My kids ate 23 and 20, a girl and boy respectively. Same thing here. He wanted to come to the house and hang with me and the kids like all was well, but didn't want to deal with the everyday crap. 3 years ago
        • plasterdust Good Lord it's tough to be a man, I was taught my whole life to endure until things worked out! How do people just flip the switch? Men and women alike? 1 year ago
    • ardentdreams If you stay for any reason BESIDES love then you will just continue down a road of misery. If it can be genuinely worked out then by all means! Maybe a getaway to literally get away from your current environment and see if in a more relaxing setting that details can be hashed out. If not then its time to end it. There's no sense in prolonging a relationship when the flame is out. 3 years ago
    • Unsure I've pondered this myself many times but I'm still not sure what to do..... 3 years ago
    • REASONPASSION While certainly "marriage" and "family" are two separate relational dynamics, to say that one is fractured while the other one is perfectly healthy sounds like there are things being ignored. At the very least, since both are occupying the same space, there is overflow between them, which means the pain and messiness of the marriage is effecting the proclaimed sweetness of the family. One of the most difficult things to come to terms with in connection to shifting any form of relationship is how it inevitably effects all the other connections in your life and has been effecting them longer and in more ways than currently acknowledged. Focusing only on one to the exclusion of others is not doing anyone any favors. 2 years ago
  • TDOG Planning 1st overnight with the new boyfriend and the kids.. Suggestions please!!!! 3 years ago   *   16 replies
    • SallyAlexis How old are the kids? Are they comfortable with your boyfriend? 3 years ago
      • TDOG they still get a coy and shy when he is there. and he is still trying to make them like him so he sort of bombards them with trying to be "awesome".. the whole thing is awkward. and i feel torn between them and him. he has his own kids and i haven't met them yet because he is in a crazy custody battle. 3 years ago
    • Spikebee Meet late at chosen home after kids in bed. Leave two need to get to know each other...let the kids know don't the road after you two are comfortable. 3 years ago
    • Danni girl I would say for the first few times to try to keep it fun and friendly with him in front of the kids, not too much bf gf type of foolin around and flirting that might make the kids uncomfortable.... 3 years ago
    • melisam_1973 I would suggest something fun- Like game night with pizza. Can't go wrong with games a pizza with kids. 3 years ago
    • Happyhesgone Could not agree with Spikebee MORE. 3 years ago
    • AMpr411 I would see for how long you know each other, I don't know if Im agree with the idea of him hiding in the middle of the night, what if some of your kid wake up and appears in your room? I think time is what you need and your kids too, having someone overnight it would be something you decide together as a family.. If you want to share with your BF overnight I will suggest a nanny and you two going to his place or to a hotel.. You don't want in the future one of your kids bringing someone in the middle of the night and you even knowing.. 3 years ago
    • JENnI I'm with melisam. Pizza and game night or even a movie night is a perfect way to keep everybody comfortable and happy. And there's really no room to try and be awesome when you're playing a game or watching a movie. Everyone just settles in and has a good time. 3 years ago
      • Julie Anne How about pizza, game night, and onesies for all?!?! They'll catch on to the idea that it's a sleep-over, but it will be fun and family appropriate. 3 years ago
    • Stacy You may have been dating for a year, but that doesn't mean your kids are ready for mommy's boyfriend to spend the night. My suggestion is to only do sleepovers when the kids are away, and let them get to know him without the added confusion of mommy having a man in her room. 3 years ago
    • ardentdreams Make it more about the kids rather than the both of you. You are sold on him so now its time for the kids to be sold on him. Kid friendly fun nights. Groupon has A LOT of fun and affordable events, getaways and even date nights for just you and him. 3 years ago
    • Mr. Mag 357 I am ten years younger than my woman and she has three stepkids, one grown, one teen, one small child versus my none, so this is where I'm coming from. I know you are seeing the same type of replies, but they're right. Make it no nookie, no canoodling for the night, just let that man be great. Let him show his character versus whatever turns you on about him. This is good for him because in order to be your main guy he has to be well rounded and POINT BLANK YOUR KIDS ARE MORE IMPORTANT so if he's not stepdad material he's gonna have to accept a lesser role. You have to accept putting the thrill of him behind your kids comfort. Oh yeah make sure you all get a full family day in before the sleepover begins it should ease tension a LOT. 3 years ago
    • brooklynblue How many times have you hung out before this?? Super important to spend a lot of platonic daytime hang before doing an overnight. 2 years ago
    • mwaters My advice: make sure to lavish your kids with attention while you are with your new boyfriend. Be extra careful to not make them feel left out. Have conversations with both the kids and the boyfriend first--preparing and setting expectations. This is what I have learned. I hope that helps! And.....have fun! Enjoy! 2 years ago
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