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  • brooklynblue i know deep deep down my marriage is cooked but the idea of disrupting the sweet family we have created makes me so ill. gotta say, i'd almost rather HE left me than be the one that pulls the trigger. something strangely easier to me about being the victim rather than the perpetrator. 3 years ago   *   8 replies
    • Spikebee It can be difficult, but what is right is right. If you can both agree to let the kids come first, it can work out. If one party (or two) is bitter it can be a real bummer for all. 3 years ago
    • SallyAlexis I understand this! I didn't want to pull the trigger either, but men will hang on until bitter end and act badly. I finally did it, and I am glad! but it is still sad on holidays. 3 years ago
      • brooklynblue my man didnt act badly, he just so wanted the fantasy of "us" to continue..... it was just so sad. how are old are your kids @SALLYALEXIS? 3 years ago
        • SallyAlexis My kids ate 23 and 20, a girl and boy respectively. Same thing here. He wanted to come to the house and hang with me and the kids like all was well, but didn't want to deal with the everyday crap. 3 years ago
        • plasterdust Good Lord it's tough to be a man, I was taught my whole life to endure until things worked out! How do people just flip the switch? Men and women alike? 1 year ago
    • ardentdreams If you stay for any reason BESIDES love then you will just continue down a road of misery. If it can be genuinely worked out then by all means! Maybe a getaway to literally get away from your current environment and see if in a more relaxing setting that details can be hashed out. If not then its time to end it. There's no sense in prolonging a relationship when the flame is out. 3 years ago
    • Unsure I've pondered this myself many times but I'm still not sure what to do..... 3 years ago
    • REASONPASSION While certainly "marriage" and "family" are two separate relational dynamics, to say that one is fractured while the other one is perfectly healthy sounds like there are things being ignored. At the very least, since both are occupying the same space, there is overflow between them, which means the pain and messiness of the marriage is effecting the proclaimed sweetness of the family. One of the most difficult things to come to terms with in connection to shifting any form of relationship is how it inevitably effects all the other connections in your life and has been effecting them longer and in more ways than currently acknowledged. Focusing only on one to the exclusion of others is not doing anyone any favors. 2 years ago
  • TDOG Planning 1st overnight with the new boyfriend and the kids.. Suggestions please!!!! 3 years ago   *   16 replies
    • SallyAlexis How old are the kids? Are they comfortable with your boyfriend? 3 years ago
      • TDOG they still get a coy and shy when he is there. and he is still trying to make them like him so he sort of bombards them with trying to be "awesome".. the whole thing is awkward. and i feel torn between them and him. he has his own kids and i haven't met them yet because he is in a crazy custody battle. 3 years ago
    • Spikebee Meet late at chosen home after kids in bed. Leave two need to get to know each other...let the kids know don't the road after you two are comfortable. 3 years ago
    • Danni girl I would say for the first few times to try to keep it fun and friendly with him in front of the kids, not too much bf gf type of foolin around and flirting that might make the kids uncomfortable.... 3 years ago
    • melisam_1973 I would suggest something fun- Like game night with pizza. Can't go wrong with games a pizza with kids. 3 years ago
    • Happyhesgone Could not agree with Spikebee MORE. 3 years ago
    • AMpr411 I would see for how long you know each other, I don't know if Im agree with the idea of him hiding in the middle of the night, what if some of your kid wake up and appears in your room? I think time is what you need and your kids too, having someone overnight it would be something you decide together as a family.. If you want to share with your BF overnight I will suggest a nanny and you two going to his place or to a hotel.. You don't want in the future one of your kids bringing someone in the middle of the night and you even knowing.. 3 years ago
    • JENnI I'm with melisam. Pizza and game night or even a movie night is a perfect way to keep everybody comfortable and happy. And there's really no room to try and be awesome when you're playing a game or watching a movie. Everyone just settles in and has a good time. 3 years ago
      • Julie Anne How about pizza, game night, and onesies for all?!?! They'll catch on to the idea that it's a sleep-over, but it will be fun and family appropriate. 3 years ago
    • Stacy You may have been dating for a year, but that doesn't mean your kids are ready for mommy's boyfriend to spend the night. My suggestion is to only do sleepovers when the kids are away, and let them get to know him without the added confusion of mommy having a man in her room. 3 years ago
    • ardentdreams Make it more about the kids rather than the both of you. You are sold on him so now its time for the kids to be sold on him. Kid friendly fun nights. Groupon has A LOT of fun and affordable events, getaways and even date nights for just you and him. 3 years ago
    • Mr. Mag 357 I am ten years younger than my woman and she has three stepkids, one grown, one teen, one small child versus my none, so this is where I'm coming from. I know you are seeing the same type of replies, but they're right. Make it no nookie, no canoodling for the night, just let that man be great. Let him show his character versus whatever turns you on about him. This is good for him because in order to be your main guy he has to be well rounded and POINT BLANK YOUR KIDS ARE MORE IMPORTANT so if he's not stepdad material he's gonna have to accept a lesser role. You have to accept putting the thrill of him behind your kids comfort. Oh yeah make sure you all get a full family day in before the sleepover begins it should ease tension a LOT. 3 years ago
    • brooklynblue How many times have you hung out before this?? Super important to spend a lot of platonic daytime hang before doing an overnight. 2 years ago
    • mwaters My advice: make sure to lavish your kids with attention while you are with your new boyfriend. Be extra careful to not make them feel left out. Have conversations with both the kids and the boyfriend first--preparing and setting expectations. This is what I have learned. I hope that helps! And.....have fun! Enjoy! 2 years ago
  • SallyAlexis The holidays are a very sad time if your are split up, especially when you have children. The most difficult thing for me is that my ex insists on our adult children having a relationship with his girlfriend. This is very uncomfortable for my kids, and it makes me sad that he thinks he can create this artificial family. 3 years ago   *   5 replies
    • Daryll I feel like I am trying harder to get her to see the kids than she is herself. I have the kids and she lives about 90 minutes away . She has health problems and can't drive much and gets stressed easily which she says is bad for her. She saw the kids for three hours on Thanksgiving and only plans to see them about as long on Christmas. I have made repeated offers to her to stay longer, stay over, etc. She says she can't do it. I know the girls will be sad. I feel like I am trying... 3 years ago
      • SallyAlexis They are lucky to have you. I did this for years with my ex. He never made much time for the kids. Now they are older and is reaching out more. Better late than never, I guess. Hang in there! My kids thank me often for having a strong presence in their lives. 3 years ago
    • Happyhesgone Sally, I can really relate to this. My kids are adults, too. The only difference in my story is that my ex married the other woman, and so now they have stepsisters, etc. When I had kids, I never planned on having to share my life (and them having to share their lives) with someone who ruined a family (and she didn't do it alone, of course). is what it is. Your kids are adults. They make choices. Regardless of whether ex 'insists,' they choose the level of participation with her...whether it's because they want to or they lack courage to do otherwise or whatever. It's up to them--because they're adults. As I've discovered, sometimes it's not as uncomfortable as we think it is or as they've told us it is. Sometimes they don't want to hurt us, so they tell white lies about their comfort level so we're still THE BEST, and Dad's girlfriend is LESS, because they know we'll be hurt and feel threatened, and they love us so much and don't want to see that happen. Ultimately, whether they have a relationship with her and make this 'one big happy family' or not, you're still Mom--always have been, always will be, and there's only one of you. So try to focus more on what they have with YOU. No one will ever take that away. Not him. And not her. 3 years ago
      • SallyAlexis Thank For the support. My kids are not happy with the situation at all! I remain neutral and supportive of their choices, as I don't want to stress them out. The thing that eats at me is that when my ex and I split up he said that he could marry any woman and the kids would replace me in their hearts. NOT TRUE! My kids are very loving an devoted to me. They have thanked me continually for putting them first. I am glad that I did. 3 years ago
    • Unsure If they are in fact adults then they should speak up and not feel forced. If they are uncomfortable with the situation they should remove themselves from it. 3 years ago
  • TDOG holidays are stressing me out and i lost it on my kids this morning. now i am worried they will tell my ex and he will judge me. ugh. 3 years ago   *   5 replies
    • Daryll I understand. Take the stress most "happy" families have and it doubles or triples for families that are apart. Especially if there are conflicts like what you are experiencing. 3 years ago
    • SallyAlexis I understand your fear and your stress. You are carrying around sadness about the split and the separation of the family over the holidays. I try to be extra kind to myself around this time and not get into any one-upmanship with my ex. It's okay to feel sad. 3 years ago
      • TDOG i hear you… guess i am a little paranoid right now since my ex has been a little cranky and i like it when he tells me i am the greatest mom in the world all the time… hhaa 3 years ago
    • JENnI I can honestly say that I never spoke bad about my mom to my dad. I understood when she was stressed and sad and I didn't want to make it worse for her by "tattling" to my dad. At the end of the day, you are the best thing they could ask for and they love you more than anything! 3 years ago
    • Stacy I understand stress around the holidays, and kids can definitely get on your last nerve sometimes! But i'm curious why it matters to you what your ex thinks? By the way, he is your ex, don't you think he has strong opinions about you already? 3 years ago
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