Hello. I have only just joined this site and literally...

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Harriet Hello. I have only just joined this site and literally don’t know where to start. I’m 24 and have been with my boyfriend since I was 17. He is a nice guy, very clever, funny and easy to get along with. But I feel like I have spent the last 6 years just coasting along. We get on well, but that’s about it. I don’t even feel attracted to him anymore. I don’t enjoy sex with him- the whole time I’m just waiting for it to be over. We have recently brought our first house together and during the process of purchasing it I did have a couple of melt downs where I told him i did not want to go ahead, but each time we talked me out of it and convinced me we would be much happier once we had our own place. But I’m just not. I feel so so sad and guilty because I’ve wasted the last 6 years when he could have been with someone he belongs with. I just don’t know how to end it. I feel embarrassed because we’ve only just moved out and I’m ashamed to go back to living at Home. I imagine myself texting someone new, I’m desparate for some excitement. But I would never do that to him. I have read a few posts on here about people in my position, but are married or have kids. And I know I don’t want to end up like that but I feel I am already in too deep. Any advice to help build my confidence or anyone going through something similar I would love to hear from you. 5 years ago * 3 replies User reported
- George Hey Harriet, this is not an easy situation and I went through a very similar thing at your age. I was with someone for 7 years and we were at the junction where we either got married etc or called it a day. She was all the thing you described about your partner but the spark was gone. As humans we try to avoid inflicting hurt on the people close to us, we try to protect their feelings and this is often at the expense of our own long term happiness. Not saying anything is easy, its comfortable and it creates the least amount of pain for the other person. 6 years is a long time to be with someone and I assume you know each other well. Firstly you have to accept that there will be pain and it is unavoidable. Secondly you have to accept that you are the one that is going to cause the pain. Once you accept that there is no way to avoid the pain you then have to 'grasp the nettle' and have the conversation with your partner. You either have to give him the opportunity to understand what you are looking for in your relationship and a timeframe to show you that he is the right guy, or you have to respect him and tell him that you love and respect him and because of this you feel that you are not happy, that you have not felt strong enough to be honest when you have not wanted to progress the relationship and that you would like to end the relationship. At this point you need to be super strong, do not engage too much in dialog as he will likely try to talk you into a trial separation which just prolongs the pain. I would explain it in a way that you have been thinking what would you want him to do if he felt the same way as you? would you want him to continue to be with you even though he wasnt really into you any more? pretending to enjoy intimacy etc. You would of course hope that he would tell you, and fo this reason you think it is only right that you are honest and share your thoughts. The reason we stay as long as we do is to avoid the pain but Harriet, at your age it wont last too long and in a few months you will both be in a better place. You could lose months, even years of unhappiness just to protect his feelings, but you are not being fair to him or yourself. Hope this gives you food for thought 5 years ago User reported
  - Harriet Hi, thanks so much for taking the time to reply. Im finding the whole situation confusing and frustrating but your post has helped me gain a bit of clarity. I feel like I’m going round in circles. On the day I posted this was probably the lowest point I’ve had. But then the next day things felt a bit better but have gone downhill since. Part of me knows that this relationship isn’t making me happy and we’d both be better off not in it, in the long run. But there’s a practical side of me that sees how difficult ending it might actually be. Everything in my life is connected to him, our house, our cars, even our phones, our dog. I know a lot of that will seem trivial to some, who may be older, be married, have children, and I don’t know your situation but to me this is my whole life.. We have the same friends. It just seems so complicated and that’s probably the reason I just keep going despite feeling like this. Do you mind me asking did you have a long period of changing your mind? Or did you act fairly soon after you realised you didn’t want to be with your partner anymore? Thanks again 5 years ago User reported
    - George Hey Harriet, I probably spent about 2 years contemplating it for the very same reasons you have mentioned (except the dog and mobile phones were not invented :-)) The practical stuff is difficult but probably not as bad as you think, but like I said, imagine if you really loved him and he was only staying with you for practical reasons, you would be devastated. Staying together for friends etc again is no reason to stay together. It comes down to this. If you are not truly in love with him and you want to spend the rest of your life with him then stay together. Its is imply pain avoidance and this is why we stay with people in miserable relationships because we by our nature we avoid causing pain to people we care about. We all want the other person to be ok with it and stay friends but that is not reality. You will work out the practicalities and it may be a bit messy but in 6 months time you will be in a much better place and able to look forwards again 5 years ago User reported

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