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  • crossreeds Hi all, I am new to the site and found a post a few weeks back (can't seem to locate it at the moment) that was frighteningly similar to my current situation. I am 35....married for little over 10 years (together 13 years) with a wonderful man. He is ideal and nearly perfect on paper....but our marriage has been quite passionless for the majority. I didn't realize how much so until recently (when i met someone - sigh)... Never in a million years would i have thought i'd be caught up in an affair/relationship outside of my marriage. I've always felt really grateful for my husband, and the thought of stepping out on him never crossed my mind! But here i am, nearly six months in (first three months-more of an emotional affair/deep friendship, then things became physical about three months ago). The 'other man" is also in an (unhappy) long-term marriage (whole other story there!)...so i honestly don't know what will become of this relationship either.. Until very recently, I could NOT understand why i was doing what I was doing and I tried to end the other relationship early on without success...he was resistant..kept pursuing me...and our deep connection(on all levels) just kept me hanging on. This was about the time i realized that (although my husband and I are the best of friends, love and care for each other very deeply and unconditionally, have financial means, have traveled/built a life together)...I am just not sexually/deeply attracted to him. And I don't think I ever have been. I married him because he is an outstanding person, whom i knew i could trust and would love me as i am. This was a very difficult realization...and i know this is one of the main reasons i have cheated. Many years of our marriage have been what would be classified as "sexless"... I am utterly heartbroken by this realization and covered in guilt. I hate myself for not realizing it sooner--i'd just been "distracting myself" with other things to avoid looking closer as to why i have a lack of sexual desire for him. For a long time, I thought it was just me....until i met the "other man"....very strong, animalistic attraction - physically and very connected emotionally/intellectually/lots of common interests. I have experienced this type of chemistry only once before I married (high school/college bf) - we were just too young. Now i am terribly uncertain...I know the "right thing" to do would be to end the affair/try to work on things with my husband....but from what i understand, if you've never had attraction/chemistry, the chances of it appearing are slim to none. I don't know if I'm just being unrealistic....i often ask myself if maybe attraction/sex just isn't that important to me?...But now knowing/realizing what's really been going on underneath it all and experienced a deeper connection with another....I'm just unsure if I can remain in an unfulfilled marriage. Would appreciate input from anyone who has experienced similar.... 5 years ago   *   2 replies
    • Graced Wow, I just joined the community and this was the first story that appeared. Thanks for sharing Crossreeds. Your story caught my attention because this is essentially my story, too. I married a guy who was... well, kind of like your guy. He accepted me for who I was, we had fun times together, he was steady and had strong values. I knew I could trust him and he was intelligent so I basically felt 'safe'. We married at a time where that was my highest priority (after I had gone through a major burnout and career shift). However, we married quite early. And at that time we both were very different (I only later came to know the statistics on early marriage - there's a much higher probability to get divorced). So essentially we grew apart over time and I had no sex drive left whatsoever - it was not very high from beginning but I just thought I am not so much into sex. I did get pregnant twice though early on and although I wanted children, he wasn't ready and made me abort twice. That was when I realized he was really not my man. It was not so much that I had to do it, but the way he dealt with it. Being a very value oriented person I felt horrible about having to abort, but at the same time no matter what, that I would not leave him. He was my husband and I promised to honor and love him until death do us apart. We were not having major fights, we were pretty ok on a daily basis, but I it was more or less just dragging along. Then one day I met someone. It was an immediate connection, a very deep one. I didn't want to endanger my marriage, but a part of me knew my marriage was dead. What started off with a little bit of texting and flirting grew into something neither of us could control. He lit up my spirit and brought so much happiness and new energy into my life. I had an unimaginable attraction to him, I could not understand what was going on. In all the years I was with my previous man, never had I met someone who was so attractive. And when we began to get physical I felt like I had never been loved like that in my life. He, too, was married and his marriage was also dead. Even more so than mine. First we promised each other not to disrupt our marriages. But our connected grew very strong. We soon realized we had common interests, shared values, common goals and similar views on life in general. He encouraged me a lot and supported my dreams. The kind of support I never really got from my husband. Now I was in exactly your position. There were two opposite forces pulling at me. On one hand obligation, duty, guilt, vows... on the other hand, love, freedom, happiness, excitement, connection, dreams... To tell you the truth, after I started emotionally betraying my husband, I felt so bad that I could barely look at him, let alone have sex with him. Essentially I had already ended it inside. It was just a matter of talking to him and bringing it to a formal end. I did not tell him that I was seeing someone else. But he could feel that something was different. We talked about the issues we had. But basically I made it clear to him that I could not live the rest of my life with someone whos interests and priorities were so misaligned, specially around family. He understood that and we decided to divorce. We did it fairly amicably. The divorce is taxing and draining. I also feel socially so awkward and embarassed. But at the same time I feel very liberated and happy that I did not force myself to stay in a marriage just because I felt obliged to. It actually turned out to be a good thing we didn't have children involved. So @Crossreeds, I can't give you any advice, you really have to go inside and find your own truth - but this is my story... and maybe it feels good for you too to know someone else went through the exact same thing. Lots of love, Grace 5 years ago
      • crossreeds Oh my goodness, thank you so much for your reply! I am grateful to have found this site and learn that there are many others struggling with the same or a very similar situation. I never, ever saw myself here....I place a high value on marriage (as does he) and I thought back then that i was making the right decision in choosing someone with high integrity/morals....someone safe. I think I knew deep down that something was missing in the marriage-- i just couldn't put my finger on it/didn' realize what it was until i met and became involved with this other man. Like you, I've never felt like this-never felt a connection so strong on so many levels....and mainly the one i'm missing with my husband (the attraction/chemistry/passion). I am so deeply attracted to him and he to me, but I try to remain realistic and aware that he also has his own issues (30 year marriage that has been dead for a long time -married very young, grown children, possible grandchildren in near future)...so i don't know what will come of this, on his end...He is still very torn/undecided as well. Neither of us saw this coming nor knew it would evolve into such a deep connection/falling in love. I just feel SO guilty that it has gotten this far and that my marriage was so broken, that i didnt realize what was really going on. My husband is as good as gold and a wonderful man who does not deserve this....He is deeply attached to me and I to him....I want to believe that I can do my part and "work on things" to improve our connection.....but I just feel that it could be beyond repair - as I never felt those strong, passionate feelings with him to begin with. I fear that if I choose to stay/end the affair (and he never finds out), that I will grow more resentful and even more overwhelmed with guilt... He can already tell that something is "different" with me and I have admitted that I honestly don't know what I want anymore. I am already searching for a job/more work hours (in the medical profession & haven't worked much in many years) just to be proactive should I decide to go. Thank you again so much for sharing and I'm wishing you the best with your situation...I admire your strength! Praying for clarity/willpower to do what is best for me. 5 years ago
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