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  • inertia I can't believe there are/were so many people in the same situation as I am. I'm currently in the process of separating from my husband of 1 year after realizing that even after 9ish months of "trying" that I cannot stay with him due to lack of physical and emotional chemistry. He is my best friend and I do love him, but I haven't been in love with him for the majority (or at least half) of our 8 year relationship. I married him because I had no reason not to, and because I felt I "should" rather than actually wanting to. He was safe, comfortable. I hate that I did that. I chose intertia as my username bc I can't think of a better term for how I ended up here. I never addressed my gut feeling and my doubts over the last 4-5 years because they had no logical reasonings and I had many (what I thought was logical) reasons to stay. Looking back I can't believe how wrong I was. We tried to regain the romantic connection we had in the beginning, but the more we tried the worse I felt about how I was making him feel and how cruel I felt for essentially stringing him along. He's a great guy and he deserves more than I am able to give him. But I can't stop second guessing myself. Never thought I was afraid to be alone but I think I actually am. Trying to remember that in the end it will be worth it when we can both move on and be happy with people that are right for us, and hopefully we can eventually be friends again. 8 months ago   *   4 replies
    • SVONE 10000% had exact same experience. It's 6 years later and my ex-h has a lovely girlfriend who is so good to him and I have had a series of interesting and fulfilling relationships where I have been able to learn so much. 8 months ago
    • Lolo I have the same issue. Difference is that I went through 35 years of marriage. Basically spent all those years bringing up children, working etc. Had doubts before marriage and wish I had gone with my gut feeling to split up early on. I am told that the in love feeling disappears soon after. I never really had it and live with some regrets as divorce is messy the more assets you acquire together. 7 months ago
    • 2bhonest Interia - you've written my story, with the exception that I have not yet had the guts to make the split. My hesitation is that because I love him, I don't want to hurt him, yet I recognize that it's not fair to him to stay, knowing that I am not fully present in this relationship. Part of me fears that leaving will be a mistake. We have/had a deep 'soul connection' at one point in our marriage, which was enough at that time to overcome the lack of chemistry, and in a way created enough connection for me. That is gone now, but sometimes I wonder if it could come back. We've been together 10 years, married for most of that time (we married very quickly). Ever since the beginning, I had a gut feeling that he is not 'the one', but married since we had such a great connection, and like you said, there wasn't anything logically that told me why I shouldn't marry him. He's a hard worker, attractive, good person, kind, loving, etc. But there are some issues which I wish were different. But the bottom line is that I am just not attracted to him. Time together is great, we share the same interests, laugh, talk, but its just not enough. I dread having "the talk" because I know it will kill him. Do you relate to any of this, or anyone else here? If so, how did you get to the point of being able to actually have the talk? What is the next step? Should I already have an apartment lined up to move out? 3 months ago
      • inertia I told him how I felt way before I had decided to leave. We worked on our marriage for close to a year, trying to regain a romantic connection. Many times he told me he was thankful that not only was I willing to at least try to work on our relationship before just walking away, he was glad he wasn't kept in the dark until I just couldn't take it anymore. And being honest with him and being willing to at least make a solid attempt at fixing our issues is whats allowing us to remain friends now, though obviously not as close as we were. Maybe one day. Those conversations were some of the hardest and the most emotionally exhausting I've ever had, and I don't have any regrets. We've been mature, kind, and compassionate towards each other. Yes we both had moments of anger, sadness and anxiety but we knew each other well enough and remained honest with each other. I wasn't able to salvage my marriage but I'm glad I didn't just walk away. I'm glad I told him how I felt, worked on it with him, and now I know for sure there wasn't anything else we could have done differently. Be prepared if you do tell him, it will break his heart if he's still in love with you. But if it's not fair to him and you know that, its being cruel to be kind in the long run. If you love him, do you want him to be happy? Do you want him to settle for someone who doesn't truly want him? I had many mental battles with myself around the time I was making my decision, I decided "enough was enough." I was so worn down, feeling like shit about how I was making him feel, I had thoughts like "if I knew he wasn't making major sacrifices, I would make this sacrifice for him, that's how much I love him and dread hurting him." But I knew that living a life making such sacrifices just to maintain this comfortable life we had built, was wrong for both of us. I'm not saying its the same case for you, but I think you owe it to him to at least be honest with him. Who knows, he might feel the same way you do and you can make a decision together. You won't know unless you talk to him. But I think its more fair to at least tell him how you feel before you decide what you wanna do. I think you'll always wonder if it will be a mistake, until you make a decision. Once I started the process, I had less and less doubts the more steps I took (telling him, telling my family, him moving out, etc), though I'm sure its different for everyone. One thing I think I can say, staying inert will definitely result in unhappiness. Either "fix" your connection or move on. You'll both be settling, and NOT happy (maybe content, but not HAPPY). Good luck. 3 months ago
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