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Scared Splitless
I got married too young.
I was 21 years old when I married my husband, nearly 7 years ago. (And no, what I'm feeling isn't the 7 year itch.) It's been building since we entered into our second year of marriage. I was ready to leave him shortly after our 2nd anniversary, but then found out that I was pregnant.
Our son brought us much closer together for a while. (Most days, I'm certain that he is the only glue that binds us.) The sad thing is that I genuinely love and care for my husband, but it's always felt like it just wasn't working.
We quit having sex a few months into the marriage. That was mostly my fault, but I blame him a little, too. I liked sneaking around before we were married (we came from strict religious backgrounds where premarital sex is a big NO), and I'm thinking that I was just getting off on that. After we got married, he tried to initiate sex all the time. And by all the time, I mean that any time he was around me. At first, I agreed, but within a matter of weeks, I had grown wary. I was sick of being begged for sex whenever I went to bed (post shower. Who wants to deal with sex after every nightly shower?!?) He would try to get me up as early as him (I had a later start date) to have sex with him. That happened one time before I put an end to it.
Looking back, I realize that we've never have great sex. In fact, the only times that I could call "great sex" were drunk. Now, I pretty much HAVE to be drunk to have sex.
I'm talking about sex so much because he thinks that it's the beginning and end of all of our issues! It's definitely a huge, HUGE issue for both of us, but there's so many other things that have built up, too. With each year, I feel more miserable. I constantly fantasize about other men and flirt with them when I have the chance. I don't think that I have it in me to cheat, but whenever I look back at some close calls I've had over the years, I actually regret not taking them. I feel sex starved, but it just feels so unfair to my husband to say that. It's not like he isn't giving it, or isn't interested, etc. It just sucks! I know that he hates it too. (Plus, to make it worse, he ALWAYS asks me after, "Am I bad in bed? Am I too small? Do I satisfy you? Do you not love me anymore?" I'm EXHAUSTED with this! I don't want to hurt him, but I'm so frustrated!)
Our other main problems are that we have no interest in any of the same things. If/when we are home at the same time, we are in separate rooms, doing separate things. We even watch TV separately. The things that used to interest us both have slowly fizzled.
Money is ALWAYS an issue. It has been a problem since our first full day as husband and wife. I'm not exaggerating. It is ALWAYS a problem!
Additionally, he is 4 years older than me, but now I feel like I'm the older one. I was 19 when I met him, and at the time, I looked up to him. Gradually, my interests began to change. I went from being a flippant shopaholic party girl to being very interested in and aware of politics and current issues. Actually, any issues. I love history and science, too! His maturity level peaked at 26, I think? He won't have any real discussions with me. Whenever I get the ball rolling, he ends up changing the subject to something stupid and unrelated, while laughing about it. When I married him, he was a teacher, and a lot more open-minded and caring about others. He randomly switched over to a manual labor job, and within a year or two, his language and style changed completely! I was already struggling with my attraction to him, but those changes repulsed me!!! He also got a smart phone and spent every waking moment playing candy crush. He couldn't even look up when talking to me, anymore.
Anyways, I'm rambling here. I go back and forth on whether I should stay or go. I do not have any sort of a credit score (everything is in his name.) I'm a stay at home mother by day, and I work a part time job at a non-profit by night. If I were to leave, NO ONE would support my decision, and I would not have a place to go. (I don't have much family here, and my friends are OUR friends.)
I do not want to leave to be with anyone else. I just want to be alone, for the first time in my life. I have never had my own place or been in control of my own situation. Right now, it feels like it's too late for me to be happy (and I'm only 28.) I'm too terrified to leave, because I'll have nothing. NOTHING. (Apart from my son, who I wouldn't be able to financially support!) I'm not even sure I want to leave. Maybe I'm better off just staying. I do love my husband in my own way. It's just one big scary dilemma for me.