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  • Labrador I've been married for 16 years. My wife has always suffered from depression. Early on in our relationship she had an affair. We went through a lot of therapy and got past it. We've had some very good years and some very bad years. She's been hospitalized for her depression twice, most recently two years ago. I've always stood by her and supported her. Earlier this year, she lost her job and has started drinking heavily. When she drinks, she gets very nasty and berates me, she has even abused me physically. I love her and want her to get help and find a way to be happy, but I know that I can't fix her. We have two young children and I'm worried that she might (unintentionally) hurt them when she's drunk. I'm worried that she's not capable of being happy and that if I don't end the marriage I'm in for a lifetime of drama and despair. What I really want is for her to get better and to stay together, but I don't know if that's possible. Depression is a disease, would I be abandoning a sick person, or saving myself? 9 years ago   *   5 replies
    • dadofthree wow thats a horrible situation and i feel for you. is she willing to get the help? treatment center? rehab? is she willing to try and work for this because you cant do it alone and at the end of the day you've got 2 young kids to worry about...especially if she's not willing to go to any lengths to help herself and the family. 9 years ago
      • Labrador She goes back and forth between saying she doesn't need help and then apologizing and saying she'll get help, but as soon as the opportunity arises, she gets her hands on booze and gets drunk. She lies to me all the time, so there is no trust between us anymore. I can't make her get help, so I don't know what to do. 9 years ago
        • NERD GIRL 68 At some point, you are going to have to weigh the positives and negatives, and make the best decision for you and the kids. I was married for twenty years to someone with horrible depression and anxiety, and part of the reason I stayed so long because I didn't want to abandon a sick person. At some point, you have to know what your limit is and take the right steps for yourself. For me, it was when he finally started getting happy, and I found out he was cheating on me. 9 years ago
    • Boogie What if the roles were reversed? There's plenty of advice for abused women with drunk husbands. That's the advice you're getting from the other posters. There are tons of books on the subject (Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay is my fave.) You need a way to get out, and she needs an ultimatum. And no idle threat. If she gets help and genuinely works on herself, you have to give her a chance. Her doing nothing would be her choice. Then you leave. And maybe you can reunite if it wakes her up and she gets help. 9 years ago
    • jpiggy My ex was a drunk, and over the years promised to stop sand to seek help, none of which stuck because he didn't really believe that he was sick. It just went downhill and I had to get a protective order to leave with the kids. He can now only see them supervised. Don't let it get to that point. Think of the safety of the kids. As they get older, they'll see and retain more. Leaving doesn't necessarily mean divorce. It means you're removing yourself and kids from an unhealthy and potentially dangerous environment. Best of luck to you. 9 years ago
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