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peacekid
I've been married for almost 15 years and we have a 15 year old and a 10 year old. We got married because I was pregnant, at least for me. I grew up without a dad and didn't want my kid to as well. He is MUCH older than me, an "old hippie" and that appealed to me at the time. We were into the same music and old movies as I've always hung out with people older than me. But the thing is that he has always been like a DAD to me and not a husband. He tells me what to do constantly and has been downright emotionally abusive at times, many times. We have gone through some horrible times, to be truthful. He can be really nice and kind when he wants to be, but he can also be a very mean and petty person and he knows all my old scars and how to "push my buttons" and hurt me. We are NOT compatible sexually, affectionately or really in any way other than enjoying the same music, really. For example, I enjoy giving and getting gifts for birthdays and holidays. He does not even give cards. He can be nice to the kids and is a decent father, but he's not really there for him and they've actually been scared of him at times because of his ranting and raving.
So, why am I still here? Actually, I have left twice and came back because I felt bad for him due to the fact he is so much older than me and he guilt tripped me into coming back. He told me his life is OVER without his kids and I have ruined his life. For a long while, I was the sole breadwinner and he refused to work, choosing instead to get drunk/high all day long. This time, when I came back, it was under the stipulation he get and keep a job which he has done. I do not enjoy having sex with him and try to avoid it at all costs, preferring instead to just be with myself, if you know what I mean.
For the past 11 years or so, I have been under a psychiatrist's care for severe anxiety and depression. I long to meet someone who will be more compatible with me, who will be affectionate and loving, who I can be attracted to. I know people are not perfect and Prince Charming will not step in and make my life perfect but I do know there may be someone out there for me who will be much more "right" for me. I hate to think I will live my whole life never knowing love, but I feel so guilty about even leaving that I can't do it right now. I'm at that stage and am going to start therapy soon. Anyone want to talk?