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  • plasterdust My Separation Phase 1: Eat, Sleep, Work and Play. When my wife told me that we would never have a romantic relationship ever after 11 years of marriage and 3 kids...I was crushed. Beautiful, intelligent and my best friend says "Never". I hid in the corner of the basement and sobbed for 5 minutes while she had a shower. Then I got dressed and went to work. I don't know what other people do but I've found that forcing myself to eat, taking naps, forcing myself to walk to work and connecting with the kids every day. After completely losing myself in this marriage for most of my adult life, I realize I always do everything for her. It's been very strange to do things just because I want to. I thought the marital equation was always 1 + 1 = 2. But I read an article stating it's more like 1 + 1 = 11. Two separate people. It's very strange as I work with people with dementia and many have forgotten their marriage partners and live from one minute to the next. I have something to learn from that reality. Does anyone have any ways of thinking or strategies that have helped them in the initial phases of separation? Any and all hints and suggestions are welcome. 2 years ago   *   8 replies
    • alphabeta keep going. your kids need a fully actuated adult man for a dad... not a person who "gives" so much he has nothing left..... that's not what you want to model.... so... wait... your wife said No romance EVER? does that mean NO SEX? clarify pls 2 years ago
      • plasterdust No sex or physical touch for the last year. Fully actuated man is right, they do need that. Thanks Alphabeta, appreciate it! 2 years ago
    • LOVEISCRAZY sounds like you are deeply codependent and need to start looking at that. look at the melody beattie and pia mellody literature on this.... 2 years ago
      • plasterdust Ooo, those books look good. I'm sure my wife would love to see a "Co-dependent" self help book laying around...lol...but I suppose I shouldn't care. Get my shit together, thanks! 2 years ago
    • RAN I empathize deeply. About 9 months separated, divorce proceeding slowly, kids are doing great, wife and I not fighting... So most of the time I'm OK to good. But sometimes I still feel awful, adrift. Like much of this week. Reminds me when a close family member has died -- something random can precipitously trigger sadness, even months later. Keep doing what you're doing. Yoga helped me -- focusing on the moment. Try to socialize. An all-enveloping physical hobby like crossfit, biking or running with a group gets you exercise And social interaction. I too was codependent, I think I had Stockholm Syndrome. See a therapist. Not magic, but can help you with coping strategies, medication if necessary, and reinforcement you are an okay person. 2 years ago
      • plasterdust I did a year of HIIT but found the gym owners too aggressive with their nutritional supplements and now I'm back to evenings sitting on the couch, drinking beer and watching Game of Thrones....lol. I got ripped to impress my wife, but she didn't care. Having a difficult time forcing myself to return to the gym. 2 years ago
        • anonymous1 interesting that you can't motivate unless FOR HER. 2 years ago
          • plasterdust She was the center of my universe. Slowly everyday I realize more and more how all my behavior centers around her mood and body language. Poor woman, no wonder she feels trapped. 2 years ago
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