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MRKD
Ok here it goes. I don't have really anywhere where else to go to hear what others say. My counselor I was seeing has come down with health issues and the friends I do have are shared with my spouse so....
Brief back story - Married 20 plus years with three children. Both gain my spouse and I are gainfully employed and have not really had any huge issues until the last couple years.
I was in a employment situation and decided to take another job in another state. So the family began to prepare. Before I made the announcement at work I pulled one of my coworkers aside and told them that I was announcing my resignation. I had become extremely close to this person but the relationship was always friends and business. When I told her what was going on she began to cry and so did I.
Over the next six weeks before my departure we talked more and more. We spent some time together just talking. It became very clear to me and her that there was love there. We spent as much time as we could around each other over that six week period. Whether it was just sitting at the office talking or sharing rides to the company's second office. During that time we were both very sad about the situation but always kept the relationship platonic until the last week where we kissed and hugged a couple times.
Then I left. It was terrible. I missed this person so much. Even though I was with my wife and kids I could not bring myself to be happy or find happiness. I have not ever been an overly depressed person but there I was. Depressed. With social media, texting and email I was able to at least stay in contact with this friend, which eventually turned into what some considered an online emotional affair. Eventually that fact was discovered and my marriage began to unravel.
I eventually ended up in counseling on my own and my wife and I tried marriage counseling. The marriage counseling kind of helped point us on a path to reconciliation and repair but the single counseling counter balanced that because it really brought up some issues.
In my sessions I was exploring how I could have fallen in love with someone else and out of love with my wife. I say out of love with my wife because I have really started to believe that was the case. In my sessions I learned that somewhere in the past eight years things had changed for me. Some of it was the love life. we would go 2-3 months or longer with out love making. There was a lack of intimacy. I worked until late in the night and we would only see each other in passing at times. The three kids came along.
There had never been any infidelity and I was always loyal as was my wife to the family structure. Almost to a fault. I truly believed that you get married it was for life. It was what I did as a husband and spouse. It was just the right thing to do. So I just moved along through. Worked all the time. Six months of counseling really brought out these issues and issues about the person I was missing.
About the time all of this was going on I was sleeping off and on in a different room and things were touch and go. I am sad to say that during that time I ended up going to visit this friend and having an affair. There was part of me and her that said, "Ok this is it the last goodbye." That has not happened. We still talk every day. We have not seen each other but we talk and neither want to end that.
I have talked about leaving my marriage. She urges me to really look at things first. She tells me I still love my wife. The kids need me. In short she is not pushing for the split up but if it happened we would surely be together.
Ok so now here is where I am at. I feel that I have been unhappy for some time and between counseling and falling in love those emotions have come forward. For the past year I have had small issues in the marriage but my wife and I have held it together. She does not know of the physical affair. Only the emotional affair, which she said is terrible. But she has forgiven me for that and even shown a little understanding.
By all accounts she is a wonderful wife, woman, amazing mother. But I look at her and I don't feel the same anymore. I don't feel the love. We talk about taking trips and I don't get excited. Because of counseling our sex life has increased but it feels lack luster. It feels like just sex. One or both of us are just appeasing the other for the sake of the marriage.
I still have the feeling of HAVING to stay for the kids. For not wanting to hurt my wife and other extended family. For financial reasons. Both hers, mine and the kids. But I am miserable. I miss the connection I have with this other woman. We have things in common and seem to genuinely enjoy just talking, and hanging out. We have some common interests and goals. It seems with my marriage the goal is survival and kids. That is it. We don't just sit and talk and when we do it is almost always work or kid related.
I used to me at about a 1 on leaving, but that has increased to about a 7-8. I just feel lost, helpless and hopeless. I feel any rekindling of love or emotion for the marriage will be false, and I have not been able to get to that point. I ask myself everyday if the feelings I have for my wife are because we have been together for so long.
I am crazy to leave this marriage? Is there really a better happiness out there? Should I follow my heart? The good in me says stay. It is the right thing. My heart hurts every day.