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Firefly
So conflicted. I've been married for 16 years with 2 kids (14, 11). We've been very fortunate in many ways (nice house, money, success, friends/family, health). On the outside we look like the perfect family. But…our marriage is essentially dead. It's been dying slowly for a long, long time to the point that we're now like brother and sister just going through the motions. I suspect my husband feels the same way but we've never talked about it. I think we've both got this stubborn belief that you don't get divorced unless there are serious problems like abuse or infidelity. You stay together and sacrifice your own happiness for the kids and the life. Starting over is too selfish and upsetting for everyone involved so we just carry on.
But the reality is I've tried so many things over the years to get the life back in our marriage and there's no changing it. I've read tons of relationship books and explored lots of marriage-building websites, planned date nights, initiated conversations, bought nice new clothes and lingerie, maintained my appearance and weight, even arranged counselling when things were really bad. My husband participates but initiates nothing and I can't/won't do it on my own anymore. He's either too busy with work, too tired or just doesn't care. Probably all three. Building our marriage just isn't a priority for him and I've learned to accept that. I fill my time with the kids, friends and family but it's scary and depressing to think that in a few years the kids will move out it'll just be the two of us again.
To complicate things, we had a party last weekend and after a few too many drinks a friend's husband who I've known for years cornered me and kissed me when no one was around. I don't know why he did this – I don't think I led him on in any way and I certainly wasn't looking to cheat with my husband in the next room but he did it so fast that I couldn't think! Of course I ended things quickly (yes, I realize how disgusting that friend's husband is for doing this, and how crazy it was for me to participate briefly, but that's another issue). The strange thing is, underneath the shame, I secretly feel alive again. For a split second I got to feel what it was like to be wanted again, as pathetic as that sounds.
So now…I don't know if I can go back to pretending everything is ok and carrying on this dead marriage the way I did before. I'm not sure I'm ready to leave either. Advice?