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  • HONEYBADGER So, I am brand new to this site, as you can see from my "help" posts. But I'm on my desktop and it seems easier to navigate as well as type. (cross-referenced under divorce.) Anyways, here goes...I filed for divorce in August. My husband didn't respond to annnnyyytttthiiinnggg. He avoided getting served. Served him last year and he begggggged me that he would change and do whatever it took. Bla, bla, bla. Here we are again. Same twisted circle. I just want out. He is moody, intolerant, insecure, paranoid, oh did i mention he has bi-polar disorder? unmedicated? He refuses to medication (that made him a wonderful person to be around) yet he will do whatever it takes to keep me. what am I some trophy? Do whatever it takes to get me then poof, do whatever it takes to push me away. Who is he anyway? Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde I present to you. I'm sarcastic and cynical. I know. But I am a lovely person underneath. I am forgiving and loving, so loving...unconditional too. But he just kept on pushing me away, unable to see the damage he's been doing all these years. Sad but he is in a deep denial. So jump forward to now. I had a divorce date. It was December 15th, Monday. This past Monday. He didn't do ANYTHING until this past Friday...he got a lawyer. :( I had a divorce date! That is the date that I would have been divorced if he stayed under a rock! I am so pissed. And now he is making my life a living hell. On Monday Mr. Hyde groveled and pleaded with me not to do this to our family. Me? Do this? to our family? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING but love and forgive him over and over and over again. On Tuesday, today, Dr. Jekyl appeared and ignored me when I tried to talk to him about our son. As usual, he ignored me and acted like I wasn't even there...in front of our son! Tears came and I ran upstairs and cried. I am so many emotions...sad, mad, angry, whatever, pissed, hurt, stressed. Before Monday I was a pig in shit for what was to come. He would be out in 30 days and I would have peace once and for all. And now he is torturing me. He does the opposite of what I ask him to do. Well, he always has but now he's using our son to be the "good guy". Asshole. Is that allowed here? Asshole. I get up and I want to go back to bed as soon as I see his spiteful, irrational, needy face. I want my life back! Now I have to wait until December 24th for him to respond to the settlement agreement. And I'm sure he'll wait until December 24th. Asshole. 2 years ago   *   8 replies
    • RAN Hi HB, that's a lot to deal with. Seems like you've identified his issues, and that suggests that you have already moved on emotionally to a significant degree. Occasional backsliding like your response to how he handled things yesterday are going to happen in these difficult times. It's good you went upstairs, and removed yourself from the situation. Just stay focused on the future. It sounds like you know from your other post that yes, you have to disconnect whatever buttons it is he has been pushing. Clearly he needs help, and it sounds like he refuses to get it. Have you (and son) seen a therapist to help you deal more effectively with this untreated mentally ill person in your life? Does your state have mandatory parenting classes for divorcing spouses? Ours does. It's actually a great experience (though counselor-dependent). Last, I'm puzzled by the mysterious legal process you've been going through. Was your lawyer at all helpful in a getting your husband served, or in helping you get your husband involved? Maybe now that he has a lawyer, things can move ahead a little more promptly. If you are as firm in your stance as you sound, eventually he will come around. Natural for the one being left to be resistant in the best of cases. I was. And remember, it could be much worse… no physical abuse (I hope), he hasn't tried to throw you out of the house, he hasn't filed a restraining order against you or tried to keep you from your son, etc. 2 years ago
      • HONEYBADGER Thanks RAN. Yep, I need to just be still and not respond. It's like he's waiting for me to burst. We have not seen a therapist. I need to though. My son has not been "told" what is going on, but I know he knows things are not good. I've read that we shouldn't say anything to him until it's official and/or until one of us moves out but I'm starting to wonder if I should explain the not speaking to one another or the bickering or not. I'm afraid my son will start to ask questions and I don't want to give him too much information too soon. The article I read said then the children become anxious "awaiting" the departure of one parent or another. It is all very confusing. I need to read up on it some more. As for me, I need to see my old therapist bc he knows all of the history and was wonderful. However, he doesn't take my insurance and I can't afford $75 a week. Although, I should probably make my husband pay for that in the settlement agreement since he's the reason for this fucked-up situation. About the mandatory parenting classes...When you file a Complaint for Divorce in NJ you automatically get enrolled in the parent education course. I am looking forward to him going. It couldn't hurt either one of us but I'm not the one playing games with our son. As for the legal process we're going through...I left out a hefty bit of information so as not to have a 10 pg post. I retained a lawyer in August. He was served in October...because he kept evading the server.(He knew full-well it was coming). He had 35 days to respond to the complaint for divorce. He never even opened the complaint until November. He did not respond to requests for certified mail from my lawyer and never mentioned a word of any of it to me. He did not open any documents from my lawyer...they just sat in a pile on the kitchen table building up. After no response to the complaint, my lawyer requested a default divorce due to no response from my spouse. While drafting the settlement agreement with my lawyer, we received a divorce date of December 15; which meant we had a court date to settle the complaint/divorce and he had until Monday, December 15th to respond with a motion. So he did nothing since August. Nothing. Until Friday, December 12th when he trapped me in the bedroom and emotionally tormented me not to leave him and do this to our family. After a half hour of anguish I left for work. A few hours later I learned that he retained a lawyer and my divorce date was no more. I was devastated. How does he get to sit back and do nothing...absolutely nothing and now drag it out? There must be a good reason. I believe that everything happens for a reason, even though I may not know what it is right now. I may not ever know but I have to believe that this will eventually benefit me in the end. Now he had until December 24th to respond to the settlement agreement. To answer your question...no physical abuse. Just emotional. Scratch that. Not "just", because emotional abuse is just as painful without the bruises. I'm not afraid of him either. It's just that I'm now recognizing what mind control he had/has over me and I just fell into it. How could I be so weak? Damn love. I need to take care of me now. 2 years ago
    • dainty2014 Things get ugly during a divorce. There's no way around it. Hang in there and focus on something positive for your future. Remember you deserve happiness and don't settle for anything less. ;) 2 years ago
      • HONEYBADGER tHANK you dainty. right on! must stay strong, stay positive and stay quiet. I am peacefully and silently protesting b/c my big mouth always gets me into trouble. he's a slick, sneaky manipulator. must not fall prey. ;) 2 years ago
        • RAN Well...wow. Awful. I hope things get on track legally this week. Of course he may try to throw more wrenches into it - but hopefully his lawyer will talk him out of further obstruction to the process. And Judge will not look kindly on his noncompliance with the process so far, so more obstructing on his part could land him in contempt. Or maybe even resurrect the default decree? Re: child. Agree that it's not wise to tell the child what's going on if you don't really know what's going on or where you stand. But I would suggest that you Do have a path laid out now (albeit with an uncertain timeline). That may be enough to tell him in broad strokes. Otherwise, as you said, he may encounter you and spouse in a very unpleasant argument or other stressful situation...and the you'll be playing catch-up. As a friend told me, the next six months (or three, or maybe nine) may be the toughest of your life. But then the worst will be behind you. The knowledge that this is time-limited can give you strength. 2 years ago
          • HONEYBADGER Thank you RAN. "As a friend told me, the next six months (or three, or maybe nine) may be the toughest of your life. But then the worst will be behind you. The knowledge that this is time-limited can give you strength." That is a wise friend you have. I must believe in the future and the brightness that lies ahead. I will continue to sit peacefully in protest of his "obstructions". The last few days have been "quiet" b/c of my decision to stay quiet. I will not let him get into my head. As Ghandi said, "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you and then you win." 2 years ago
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