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Toosoon18
I see a lot of posts about lack of attraction and connection in marriage with a "good husband" but I haven't read any where the person has actually left or divorced. I was just curious, who has actually been in this situation and gone through with divorce? What was the aftermath from ex, family and friends? How are you now and are you regretting the decision?
6 years ago * 5 replies
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JB Hi Toosoon18- good point and I'm curious to know as well- what did it feel like to leave a man who isn't horrible or abusive, just not the one 6 years ago User reported
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Crazychef I left two and a half months ago. Together for 7 years, married for 5, the last year was bad. Not that we fell out - in fact we always got on so well - but I was having to force myself to sleep with him. Big warning here...If you marry.someone you are not attracted to, this attraction will not miraculously appear over time, it will just get worse. Then, bam, one day you'll meet the person who builds a fire in you and you'll have to choose, the committed and friendly relationship you know and possibly like, or the leap of faith? I didn't have an affair but god knows once I met the person who started that fire it was a year of hell, of bottling up and feeling like I was going mad, until I couldn't take it anymore. I loved my husband like my best friend but that connection everyone talks about (and tbh I didn't believe in) wasn't there. But I know now how crucial that connection is. It's not shallow to want to be attracted to the person you're going to have sex with. It's not stupid romantic nonsense to want to feel a powerful connection. My friends and family have all been great and many have told me since that something 'didn't seem right.' His friends and family hate me. That's tough. Guilt is tough. Loss is tough. But these are transitory emotions which you cannot let dictate what you do, or they will anchor you to the past. Fir me, it's a bad time that's going to get worse before it gets better. But, I'm learning to listen to myself, to be honest with myself, forgive myself, and be patient. 6 years ago User reported
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Toosoon18 Thank you for sharing... did you end up with the guy who lit your fire? What did your husband say when you told him the reason you wanted a divorce or did you not tell him the real reason? How did you start the splitting up process? I've tried to talk to my husband but he just told me that if I left because of the attraction issue that I would be selfish and shallow... which he's probably right but I hate avoiding sex, having to get drunk to have sex with him, and having sex out of guilt because he wants it... I read about others situations with their "good man" and a lot of people respond that we're lucky and should just be happy with our lot in life. 6 years ago User reported
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Crazychef Yes we are together now and I've never felt anything like it, it's incredible. It has made me realise how hard I was forcing myself to try and be attracted to him, and how impossible it was. It is not selfish or shallow; of course he will say that because he wants to keep you, and others say it because there are a hell of a lot of people out there who are settling or putting up with this seemingly-small problem. Having sex out of guilt, or pity, or duty, is not what sex is meant to be about, and ultimately means you are lying to yourself and to him. Would he be ok knowing you are forcing yourself to have sex that you hate? Just because he gets to keep you? If so, he is the selfish one. Also, calling you selfish and shallow is guilt-tripping you. Don't let it succeed. If the thought of having sex with this person and only this person makes you feel repulsed/panicked/trapped/used/miserable (delete as appropriate) then something is very wrong, but I can tell you for certain, it is not your fault. 6 years ago User reported
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erinnn YES!!! Ditto. And I left and survived. it's 6 years later. I am not with that guy..... once i left i wasnt really ready for a relationship and neither was he. I actually ended the "light my fire" situation well before leaving, because it wasnt about that person, it was about finding the self i knew i could be, passionate and alive, and attracting the right person to that self. there is a theory that when we're "in love" that we are really in love with the self we are with that person. So sometimes it's possible to ignite that inner passion for YOU..... it's sort of a shortcut depending on another person to ignite it. and also risky because if that person leaves.... then the fire goes out. 6 years ago User reported
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