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loulou
Not really sure how to put this, and afraid that it is going to sound terrible. I married a man who was a friend of mine who relentlessly pursued me at a time in my life when I needed both an enabler and a caretaker. He is my friend, and feels like family, but more like a brother than a husband.
Before I married him there was an incident where I told him to stop during an intimate time and he wouldn't. He continued despite my repeatedly telling him to stop and the next day he called to apologize. He says that he doesn't remember it now. I realize now that this was, basically, rape.
Throughout our relationship I've been pretty blatant about not being enthusiastic about sex. I've acquiesced and most often under the influence of alcohol---quite often I don't remember much of it the next day.
Looking back now, as I am getting tired of drinking too much in my late thirties, it is becoming clear to me that my husband has been an enabler due, in part, to how it benefits him.
Before this relationship I endured a four-year on-again, off-again relationship with a narcissistic addict for whom I was head-over-heels. After that ended, I was pretty much done with passion---for one, I didn't believe it would be possible to ever feel so attracted to anyone again, and secondly I wouldn't want to put myself through the agony of it if it were possible.
It's probably important for me to add that my husband is very amenable. He will do almost anything I ask within reason, so long as I ask repeatedly (for some things). He goes along with my crazy schemes, he puts up with my insanity, and deals with my coldness. He isn't able to pick up after himself though (to general a request) or do much help cleaning the house. He is kind and unselfish is every way other than sexually. For years he was content to have sex with me despite the fact that I was so obviously not taking part, not involved, and not enjoying it. To be honest, I'm repulsed by him physically (though less than I used to be).
A while back I was sleeping downstairs due to an injury and it prompted him to start a discussion, because he was not happy with the situation.
Truth be told, we are like room mates. Certain things work, and it would be a big mess to divorce, not to mention that I'm saddled with debt and have invested a lot of money into the house and vehicles that are in his name. But I can not for the life of me think of any reasons for having married him and remaining with him besides a strange dependency and indifference.
He says that he will not remain friends if I divorce him. I mentioned having an open relationship due to our sexual incompatability and he said that it would be acceptable only for him to have relations outside of the marriage.
I am beginning to feel resentful of him, though I know that I made all of my choices and am responsible for the outcome. I'm a passionate person, and I miss having passionate and philisophical conversations---I miss having a deep connection. Our conversations start and stop at topical subjects---what's for dinner, things that happened at work, political happenings, what needs to be fixed around the house, etc.
Mind you, we never fight, only bicker.
I guess I just feel like it is a strange situation and I'm looking for insight that anyone might have.