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swishill
We've been together for 9 years, married for 6. He was my best friend, there for me through all my boy troubles and problems, always just around. I always knew in the back of my mind he was in love with me, but I ignored it because he was useful to me. Gradually I settled into a relationship with him, we never had a first date or an official start. I think it felt safe and comfortable at the time. I knew he would never hurt me. I wanted a wedding and a house and a dog. I was 22 when we got married. I didn't have sex with him on our wedding night. I told him it was because we had to be up so early to catch our flight, but really I didn't want to have sex with him. So that week on our honeymoon I forced myself to have sex every day. It's always been that way in our relationship. I imagine it's someone else and watch the clock, waiting for it to be over. I've gone through periods of panic attacks with him during sex, I'll get an attack halfway through and have to stop. I've gone to counseling and talked with my gynecologist about this but what I've realized it comes down to is a disconnect at the basic intimate level. I have never felt passionate towards him. On top of this aspect of our marriage never being great, we've had many other issues with communication and disconnects. I've recently allowed myself to admit all this to both myself and to him. I want to move out, try and get clarity. I feel in my heart that it's over. He says he is going to change and so far he has been making genuine effort, but it feels too late and I don't know how to conjure primal, passionate feelings for someone when they aren't natural. He is a good man and would make a great father one day, I just don't know that I can ever be truly happy and content in a marriage that lacks passion. I crave it, and have found myself looking elsewhere for it which is something I never thought I would even remotely consider. We have gone to a few counseling sessions, but I don't feel they have been helpful. I usually leave feeling a little more hopeless because I don't feel like I even want to work on it, I feel done. I think I need to get into some individual counseling. Should I try and do separation for a while and see how I feel or just pull the trigger and be done?