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  • melisam_1973 After my first divorce I hated the feeling of being alone. I waited about 6 years before I got married for the 2nd time. Now, I'm afraid of the feeling of knowing I'll be alone again. 10 years ago   *   18 replies
    • TIMBUKTU is your second marriage ending? why? 10 years ago
      • TIMBUKTU sorry kind of a dumb question. 10 years ago
      • melisam_1973 Not a dumb questions. It is my second marriage that is ending. We married to soon after meeting, and really knowing each other. I think I married because I was done with being alone.. 10 years ago
        • TIMBUKTU melisam_1973 that's honest!! 10 years ago
          • SallyAlexis I am trying very hard to accept being alone and settle! Somedays are unbearable, but I feel stronger all the time. 10 years ago
            • Casanova44 That is great to hear, Sallyalexis! I agree, some days are unbearable but there is an immense freedom in being alone with yourself, be sure not to take it for granted. In future relationships you'll be able to look back on your experience and the new things you learned about yourself,so be thankful for this time of personal growth. 10 years ago
            • SallyAlexis So true! I could have been remarried by now. Even in a good marriage there is a possibility that one will end up alone if their spouse dies. We need to learn how to be with ourselves exclusively. I worry though, that the longer I am alone, the more I will be unwilling to compromise. Any thoughts on this? 10 years ago
            • Stacy I find this to be true about myself. I've been on my own now for over a decade and recently had a friend start bunking on my couch because she's unemployed at the moment. Let me tell you, it was hell for me trying to get used to sharing my space again. I struggled a lot. I wonder sometimes how I would handle getting married again. 10 years ago
        • JENnI As cheesy as this may sound (and you may not share my beliefs), but I find that when I feel depressingly alone, I talk to God. Not in a crazy, has she lost her mind kind of way, but just simply voice my concerns and talk things through. It's amazing how you can actually feel peace afterwards. In reality, you're never alone... Even if it feels that way. 10 years ago
    • mwaters i'm with someone but still feel very alone sometimes. still miss my marriage after three years. talking to God is the way to go. The only way to go. 10 years ago
      • TDOG whoa @mwaters is bringing it! i hear you....... the whole "being alone" thing is a mirage anyway. not to get to existential but, it's true. 10 years ago
      • Tiffany I agree, it can be hard to be comfortable alone, but it is important, even in a relationship, to be content with just yourself. Talking to God honestly, sharing your heart and needs makes a wonderful difference. Another thing that helps me so much is counting my blessings. I am amazed at how many things I can be thankful for, and then I give credit to the Lord. A grateful heart is the best antidote to depression; which can be much of the problem when we feel lonely. Look around and see the good things...I know it will lighten your heart! :-) 10 years ago
    • Unsure It sounds like it's time for some one on one time with yourself 10 years ago
      • Tiffany One other thing: I used to hate being alone until I had kids. Once I did have children, and my time was all used up, I began to treasure alone time. Time to read, reflect, have a quiet meal, or have fun with a project was really appreciated then. :-) 10 years ago
    • superadmin Spring is cool 10 years ago
    • STACIE Being alone can be a great adventure. I was thrilled to start off anew and on my own. My soon to be ex and I were just drowning in each other and couldn't move forward. Sadly I'm one of those people however that can close their hearts really quickly. I was always pretty independent when I was little. I was willing to wait for the right boy to come along and my first boyfriend eventually did in college. Let's face it, I was a loner most of my life. That doesn't mean I don't need people. I need friends and family like no ones business. I text my father every day when I have my awful waves of fear and emotional turmoil... But before my upcoming divorce I won't lie, I was always living with someone. I didn't have a lot of financial independence and had to live first with my sister, then with roomates, and then it was my soon to be ex husband. I'm not financially stable in any way, but I do live alone and I can pay my rent... I keep track of my spending as much as I possibly can. I struggle, have a lot of credit card debt and sometimes can't pay on time, but I'm always working to improve that and start saving again. I'm finally living the way I always wanted to. I am enjoying this new experience because it is so new to me. So not sure if that helps any, but maybe it does reassure you to know that living alone for a while can be a healing experience. There are days I'm afraid I may never marry again. Days I loose hope, but somehow I do know that everything is going to be ok. I have family and friends. The only big mistake I had was that with all my fight to be alone, someone who had always connected with me in the past and I got involved. It wasn't for fear of being alone, but a creeping desire I tried to fight while I was still married. I am trying to take things slow. I don't want an actual boyfriend right now. Id much rather find myself, but when someone does get to you no matter how hard you try to fight it or how ready or not ready you are, you can't turn it away either. He wants a relationship with me now, I don't. I know this about myself. To be monogamous so quickly when I'm only separated, not ready... But I'm not looking for other men... This guy who has also been my friend for 8 years is what made me break my own rules. I have no idea if we will work out in the end, but I keep hoping we do. He's a guy I couldn't fight being attracted to. He's also someone that I know that isn't a jackass. Ha so maybe I'm fucked, but trust me when I tell you, no matter what happens, we are going to be ok. Hope that helps. 9 years ago
    • mwaters After I got divorced three years ago, I bought every book I could get my hands on that dealt with the subject. One of the books--and forgive me because I can't remember the title--was the work of two researchers. They actually threw some science behind all of their ascertains. They studied the genome of the divorced and were able to come up with some fascinating conclusions. Their first conclusion was that new relationships that begin right out to the gate--meaning before you've had the time to heal alone--are statistically almost always doomed to fail. The failure rate of those second marriages--in which relationships began before any alone time had gone down--had a very, very high rate of failure. The same thing for second marriages. And, as all know, the failure rates for second and third marriages is even higher than for first marriages. HOWEVER, the researchers did find a silver lining: they found that people who had done the hard excavation work of really doing an autopsy on themselves and their marriage fared far better in second relationships. It was those people who spent time in therapy, spent time alone, spent time healing, and, most importantly, spent time examining their own conduct and what went wrong who came out of the whole thing alive, vibrant and primed for a true partnership with another human being. I found all this very sobering. And the book was excellent, first rate. Lots of us get involved in things early but that doesn't mean we can't do the deep excavation. I don't think anyone is doomed and I don't think anyone is saved. I don't believe in black and white when it comes to marriage and divorce. I do, however, believe in the process of honest self examination with the help of therapists and a Higher Power. On paper, it looks like my husband was the bad actor in our marriage. But the truth is I know I played an equal role in our demise. It's painful to have to look at all that but it has prevented me from sabotaging new things that are good. I hate that I'm in mid-life and have to STILL work on myself but I'm getting now that it's a lifetime process. I'll never be cured or solved in relationship. Onward and upward. Amen. 9 years ago
    • OKALONE When I split with my ex-husband I had never lived alone. I went from home to the dorms to a roommate to my ex. I could barely pull myself off the floor when I moved into my first place alone after we split. I think I cried myself to sleep for 3 months straight. It's one of the most painful and scary things I've ever gone through. I made some REALLY horrible dating decisions due to being uncomfortable being alone. 2 years later I love my space and am terrified at the thought of having to share it again, but also scared I will never find someone to share it with. So I definitely understand how your 2nd marriage happened. I try to keep telling myself I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. One thing that has helped me is doing all the things I put off because he wouldn't do them with me - travel, learning to scuba dive, taking up guitar. I'm trying to create the life I always wanted for myself, and hope that in the process I stumble across the person for me. All I can say is, be comforted by the fact that you survived the first time and you will again!!!! You WILL get through it!!! 9 years ago
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