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Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. - P. J. O'Rourke

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  • Newyorknative Happiness is possible after divorce. The last time i was on this site I was still living at home with now ex and I was in the midst of figuring out the divorce process. It's been almost a year and I moved out in October into my childhood apt. due to bitter sweet circumstances. I had to put my mom in a nursing home back in Feb2014 and the apt sat empty and I refused to move back in even though all my friends told me to. I felt like I was going backwards instead of forwards and it was bad enough I was ending my 21 year marriage, not be able to afford to buy out my ex and keep the apt, I was resentful to have to now go back to my moms that was run down and depressing. Once a friend convinced me that I am stupid for not taking advantage of the cheap rent and buy some time till the divorce was final, and they would help clean it, I decided to bite the bullet and do it. I spent all of Aug and Sept cleaning and purging and had amazing friends to help me and even my ex pitched in. 2 dump trucks and thrift store pick up I was able to empty the place and get it painted and cleaned and it was a fresh slate. In my settlement my ex had to help me furnish the apt and I got to buy that Blue velvet sofa I always wanted and did not have to consult anyone about my decorating choices. My home was now, finally, a reflection of me and was incredibly empowering. So silly but it was the first step in gaining myself and my independence back. When the bulk of my furniture was moved in I remember there was a moment one day when I was alone and just listening to my spotify play list (my ex was not into music) that I felt overwhelmed by joy and I began to cry uncontrollably. I had spent so many years utterly miserable that this feeling was almost foreign, but a reminder of who I used to be and I realized for the first time, I was lost and now found. It was like an epiphany and some what religious experience. For me it was like seeing GOD, and I am spiritual, but not religious at all. I realized that I have control again and I will never let anyone take my sense of self away no matter how inlove or how wonderful they are. I am me with all of my flaws and imperfections and I embrace them and find beauty in that and want to be around people who are of the same ilk. My ex was a facade of a man and in-authentic and made me feel like I was less than perfect and it was bad and some how deserved to be cheated on and un-loved. I realize more than ever I am lovable and I have so much love to give my family, my friends and my next relationship. I discovered that fear is paralyzing and if you can let it go, the rewards are so much greater, and if you can over come the fear or being alone, in the end I promise it's actually not scary at all. Being happy and unburdened is liberating and freeing in a way that actually can make you feel invincible. It's been 6 months and each day I get stronger and believe in myself more and now I look at my future as something great and not depressing and full of gloom and doom. The key to staying focused and present is also to keep busy with good positive friends, have an extra circular interest other than work or going to dinner or drinking. Create art, music, write, volunteer. something that keeps you busy, because you will some times feel lonely or sad about the end of your marriage and just embrace and accept that it's normal to grieve the end. It's like a death but the person is still alive. My point of this note is to say divorce is tragic and painful, but so is staying in something out of fear. Many of us have gotten used to the pain and it starts to feel familiar and safe. That's what happened to me. Now that I am out I know how great it is just to be happy and it's SO much better. 9 years ago   *   7 replies
    • Moving_On so great to hear you are doing fine now. Enjoy your new life! 9 years ago
    • TIMBUKTU wow.... love this post!!!! it's true.... the D is the beginning. kids can thrive with 2 healthy parents whether in same house or not. 9 years ago
    • TIMBUKTU change your profile.... you are POST-SPLIT now. :) 9 years ago
    • Newyorknative Thanks TIMBUKTU . I changed my profile status. My kids are actually doing great and they are less anxious and angry because they no longer feel tension at home. Kids are smart and aware of what is really going on, even if you are pretending and can cause more anxiety. Both my ex and I am happier and the kids see it and we have worked hard to be amicable. We are always going to be their parents together. I have a lot to be angry and resentful about but I am choosing to take the high road for the kids sake. 9 years ago
      • plasterdust So true! Kids sense everything...little emotional radars. Kudos to you taking the high road for them, it will benefit the world as a whole I'd imagine. 9 years ago
      • Moving_On same here. Kids doing much better now. Their laughs are real now, not just half smiles 9 years ago
    • Stuckinla Man I wish I could find the guts to end it with her. Good to read this. 7 years ago
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