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  • JustmenOw Hello everyone. I am new here. Many interesting posts. I've been divorced for 3 years now after 2 years of separation, so alone for 5. Met her when I was in my early 20's and married for 15 years, in all we were together for 17. She had 2 young children when we met, that I equally raised and called my own. I loved and cared for them from the beginning, helped put them through daycare, school and many activities including sports, etc.. Basically, I was their father. We eventually bought a house and ran a business together, one that I had started on my own. Life was good and we also had 2 children of our own. As the years went by, our relationship as a married couple evolved into something that no longer felt natural. We would argue about almost everything, and although I loved her with all my heart and always tried as hard as I could to help resolve our issues, I was made to feel like I was never good enough.. never important enough for her to make any effort in an attempt to help resolve our problems. Today, I stand alone after having given her everything in the divorce process, and I mean everything. I have been working hard after losing my business in the process, living in a small apartment and finding life to be hard. Although it has been 5 years since we split up, I am having a hard time moving on. I work crazy hours to keep busy. This helps me not think about my past. My days off are no fun. 8 years ago   *   9 replies
    • splitter hey.... this sounds super hard. have you done any dating? why did you give up everything? 8 years ago
      • JustmenOw Hey, thanks for replying. It is hard, can't deny that. I have dated a few times but nothing serious. And honestly, I haven't really given dating a true chance. As far as the separation or divorce is concerned, I gave up my portion of everything we owned to make sure that my children will grow up comfortably in their home since my ex-wife ended up with custody. I got a few weekends a month. Also, by doing so, the divorce procedures came to an immediate end and I needed my peace. 8 years ago
        • splitter 5 years is a LONG time to not date. why did she get full custody? 8 years ago
          • JustmenOw She always became insane and very competitive when things did not go her way. She was able to afford a top lawyer and attempted to coach the kids against me. They were young at the time and I didn't want them to experience such a nasty process. They didn't deserve that. The split was hard enough for them. By signing and accepting her custody demands, I put an end to what the kids were going through. They're older now and our relationship is amazing. 8 years ago
        • LOVEISCRAZY something needs to shift in your thinking and the way you have processed your split. you might be not seeing a glaring issue that you need to deal with. 8 years ago
          • JustmenOw I am trying to understand what you mean ... I know that I am going about it wrong, otherwise, it would not be so painful. What I believe I need to to deal with is the fact that I am having a hard time moving on. Very difficult trying to find the will to do so. 8 years ago
    • plasterdust Don't be a martyr man! You deserve to spend equal quality time with your kids and not be broke to support having some good times. My first instinct is to sacrifice for my family, but whenever I resist giving everything for the "greater good", I realize....shit, what's my greater good? Rock climbing and making up weird guitar songs with these strange beings I produced (children)...for all it's worth I say it's time to get scrappy and fight for some time with those wee ones and don't work 12 hours a day to give it all away! Just my completely context lacking 2 cents. 8 years ago
      • JustmenOw I appreciate your message. I am spending as much time as is possible with my kids. We have a great relationship. I am aware now, that I went about certain aspects of my divorce proceedings in a way that might not have been ideal. I cannot say that I spend an equal amount of time with my kids as my ex-wife does, but I feel she cheated to achieve that. Her being, what I believe to be a very selfish person with a very borderline personality, made the divorce proceedings impossible to deal with. I had to kinda give up in order to maintain my sanity. I needed my peace. She exausted me as she did during the last half of our relationship. 8 years ago
        • Snapper John you have the high moral ground here, and there is a lot to be said for that. Your sanity was indeed something to preserve. So was your self esteem, you did really really well not to fall into the trap of playing the game her way. You kept your integrity, that's incredibly important. I just split from my wife after nearly twenties years. She met someone while I was away working. She admitted it (eventually) and we decided to split. No animus, no flying saucepans, I gave them both my blessing and walked away. So the fact you have no guilt, that she has been the antagonistic one, the scrapper, the cheater, is a great foundation for building your next steps. These have to be social based I'd suggest. Building a network of friends, opening up to them when you are comfortable. You cannot process this stuff alone. It needs to be talked about in order to crystallise your opinions and beliefs and to enable you to make a plan to move forward. You could try counselling, but to be honest, I like talking to my friends about all this. It's made easier for you and I because we don't need to self justify, as we are the innocent parties. I find writing also clarifies a lot. It's a very cathartic process. Treasure what time you have with your children, they will pay this back in buckets when they are independent and realise what actually went on (i.e., went wrong), I know I did this with my dad who left my mother and she then abandoned me, blaming my dad. I loved him all the more for the fact he was much maligned by my mother and sister, and had no blame whatsoever. And get out! Go see people, make arrangements, develop contacts, do what you can and make plans and stick to them. I am bad at this too, quite often think to myself "oops, it's Friday night and I forgot to plan anything!" I need to work on this very much. Hard when you are older and there are so many couples kicking about, but if you don't fall into the 'divorced sad dad syndrome', talking about your woes to everyone and putting them off, it's not hard to keep friendships with couples you once new, or get to meet. Keep going mate, make yourself feel a but uncomfortable with what you do sometimes, keep pushing back from you safe place, I promise you it will improve as your self confidence grows. 7 years ago
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