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2bhonest
Hey all, we've been together for about 10 years, and I have been seriously moving towards divorce for the last year or so. Finally listening to my instincts, which have told me since the very beginning that I shouldn't have gotten married. There is just no real physical attraction. We've had an intellectual/emotional attraction, and at one point I considered him my soul mate, which was enough of a connection to create a physical bond, but its gone now. I feel that I had to "manufacture" an attraction to him, and to try to do that again would be inauthentic, and these feelings of wanting out will just come back again, as they have over the course of our time together. I feel more sisterly to him now, and it crushes me that he is doing things for me to show me his love, trying to "speak my love language", however its not working, and I can't reciprocate. We had "the talk" about 6 months ago about splitting up, and it crushed him, so I gave in and decided to give it some time. Nothing has changed and I know in my gut that I need to go. I married him because he's a great guy, hard worker, attractive, etc. I thought that it was petty to leave the relationship when we first got engaged because of the lack of my attraction, thinking sex just wasn't that important to me. Now I realize that it is. I am struggling with how to actually make the split happen, to have the guts to go through with it. I know it will nearly kill him, which in turn will also kill me. I care for him and don't want to see him hurt, but I also know that staying in a relationship like this is unhealthy for the both of us. We've only had sex about 3 times in the last 18 months, all of which were awful. He says he can wait until I am ready again, (I was on a med that made sex difficult for about the first few months of that time period - he thinks the med messed up our sex life, but it didn't). I can't even bear to kiss him, and he insists on giving me a kiss in the morning, and before bed. I give him a 'peck', and don't see how he doesn't see the writing on the wall. I still feel attached to him as a friend, which is part of what makes taking the plunge so hard also. Any advice on how to get to the point of being "okay" with going through with the split would be helpful here.