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  • 2bhonest Hey all, we've been together for about 10 years, and I have been seriously moving towards divorce for the last year or so. Finally listening to my instincts, which have told me since the very beginning that I shouldn't have gotten married. There is just no real physical attraction. We've had an intellectual/emotional attraction, and at one point I considered him my soul mate, which was enough of a connection to create a physical bond, but its gone now. I feel that I had to "manufacture" an attraction to him, and to try to do that again would be inauthentic, and these feelings of wanting out will just come back again, as they have over the course of our time together. I feel more sisterly to him now, and it crushes me that he is doing things for me to show me his love, trying to "speak my love language", however its not working, and I can't reciprocate. We had "the talk" about 6 months ago about splitting up, and it crushed him, so I gave in and decided to give it some time. Nothing has changed and I know in my gut that I need to go. I married him because he's a great guy, hard worker, attractive, etc. I thought that it was petty to leave the relationship when we first got engaged because of the lack of my attraction, thinking sex just wasn't that important to me. Now I realize that it is. I am struggling with how to actually make the split happen, to have the guts to go through with it. I know it will nearly kill him, which in turn will also kill me. I care for him and don't want to see him hurt, but I also know that staying in a relationship like this is unhealthy for the both of us. We've only had sex about 3 times in the last 18 months, all of which were awful. He says he can wait until I am ready again, (I was on a med that made sex difficult for about the first few months of that time period - he thinks the med messed up our sex life, but it didn't). I can't even bear to kiss him, and he insists on giving me a kiss in the morning, and before bed. I give him a 'peck', and don't see how he doesn't see the writing on the wall. I still feel attached to him as a friend, which is part of what makes taking the plunge so hard also. Any advice on how to get to the point of being "okay" with going through with the split would be helpful here. 6 years ago   *   8 replies
    • inertia I responded to your reply on my post before I saw this. I totally get where you're coming from. I'm glad he at least knows where you stand. I'm sure he sees the "writing on the wall" but is hoping that one day it'll change. It sounds like you need to have another conversation with him though. If you want out, it won't kill him. He'll be sad, yes, but maybe he'll find someone who actually wants him. You'll be sad too, but it'll get better. When we were still trying to work on our marriage, we went out for a holiday to a friends house. I was so unbelievably upset about the whole thing, I remember sitting there, just so sick and tired of being sad and in pain. I felt trapped in this cycle of pain and I knew my only way out of it was to end it. But the thing is, I saw that as "my only way out will make it so much worse." I had some dark thoughts that night. But what brought me back to reality, was the fact that yeah, it'll be worse, it'll hurt so much more to split, but it'll HEAL. Staying when you no longer want to only prolongs the pain. You won't heal if you're staying out of obligation or guilt. You'll sit there, in pain, feeling guilty and sorry for yourself, unable to move on. I stayed for so long because it was "comfortable," but I didn't realize that I wasn't actually comfortable in that situation. I was in a familiar environment, so I knew what to expect, but I was very uncomfortable. Rip the bandaid off. 6 years ago
      • 2bhonest Thanks Inertia - this perspective really, really, clarifies things for me. I didn't realize it until you shared this, yes, I AM actually uncomfortable, despite feeling "safe and comfortable" with my predictable life. Yes, it will be uncomfortable to leave, but I'll feel more alive and like there is potential for growth, rather than my current stagnation. Somehow I couldn't see the outcome in which we both HEAL. Sometimes I worry that if I leave, he won't find another partner/gf, and I feel compelled to stay. How codependent of me! I waiver between telling myself I can just stay and live a fairly comfortable (but inwardly uncomfortable) life, and then realizing only a portion of the regret I am sure I will feel when I look back on my life years from now, and wish I had split. Even if I end up permanently single, I think I may have moments of wondering why I left, but at least I would be able to say that I trusted my gut and was true to myself. And who knows where I'll end up, it could be really wonderful. My friends tell me I need to be more selfish and bring out my "inner bitch" (but in a kind way), in order to get the gumption to leave. Even my therapist has said to "shit or get off the pot" (verbatim, but when she said it, it felt encouraging:)) I hear the song playing in my head, "cruel to be kind..."; this will be my mantra to help me get the confidence to have the talk with him again. I nearly had a panic attack the first time. 6 years ago
        • Mister_e Finally joined this site and decided to join the conversations. This is my first one I am chiming in on and a lot of your scenario matches mine except I am the husband. Of course there are a few differences but the main points are the same. We have been having issues for about a decade+ and always seem to be at their worse between Feb and April. (The seasonal breakdown is a whole other topic.) She has repeatedly told me I am a great guy, good provider, loving father, etc etc. All the lip service a man likes to hear as well as things he should achieve to be. (Granted I know I am not perfect and I know some of my flaws.) However, as she thinks I am all those things she still follows up with things like 'we should of never moved in together' and she says she just needed a place to live and became comfortable. The item in your story that made me respond is the good morning and good night kisses. For the most part I am fine with no kisses because I try to understand and respect her past history with sexual abuse and have never forced myself unknowingly on her. The problem for me is she leaves for work or to go out and she says bye to the kids and not to me. Even when I am sitting there with the kids. The boys are teenagers and they see this behavior and have asked me about it. The other thing that has been adding to my misery is when we go to bed together there is a good chance I will say good night with no response. Those things happen at least 50-75% of the time. The minute I try to leave the house without saying goodbye (which is rare and usually after days of being ignored) she calls me out on it and acts all hurt. Only to be followed up the next day when she goes to work with only saying "I'll do dishes when I get home." I am going to keep the rip the bandaid off and shit or get off the pot sayings in the back of my head. 6 years ago
          • 2bhonest Thanks for chiming in Mister_E. So coming into the conversation from the husband's perspective, would you rather you or your partner just call it like it is, and expedite the anticipated grief, or wait until there is the 'right time' to have the talk, knowing that might never come, and drag out the inevitable (speaking of my situation - I don't want to project that yours is inevitable). My mother will be visiting this week. I plan on talking with her about it, and once she leaves, have "the talk" with my husband. Inertia - great idea about the decision making meditations. I'll check them out. And the book "too bad to stay, too good to leave". 6 years ago
        • inertia Towards the end, when I pretty much knew what I wanted to do but I still had that sneaking feeling of "what if its a mistake" I actually looked up a meditating for decision making video on youtube, which actually helped. I've never meditated before, so it was interesting. But it actually helped me realize what was my gut instinct and what was my head muddling everything up. 6 years ago
          • Mister_e Yes. I'm not sure how your husband is with everything but this sounds very familiar with what I am going through. Not sure how to explain this in writing and it is also hard for me to hear these things. The bottom line is if you know you are hurting him by just being in the relationship but not really. Sure its comfortable and he probably does treat you well. However it is not what you are looking or in need of. Which in turn makes you put up a fake front to make this relationship work. He might seem oblivious to it but he probably aware of how you feel. He then puts up his own front further masking how you both are feeling. Do you think he would be happy on his own or with someone else? I believe I could be happy in any situation I place myself in except what I am in right now. Luckily my two boys have been very supportive which is good but also makes me worried for her. My boys have also got the raw end of the deal with how she reacts to things and affects them socially. A very over the top dramatic approach that my laid back children do not care for. Everything is doom and gloom from her end. As for waiting for the right time to have the talk is never going to happen. I've been waiting for a long time and always came up with excuses. Either a kids activity or event was coming, a holiday, parents coming over for dinner next week. If you keep putting it off to tomorrow, tomorrow never comes today. Sorry for the rambling and it doesn't make sense as I reread it over and over. It is very hard for me to discuss emotional things even hiding behind a computer. Not only am I a guy but she has conditioned me to be the one not to have emotion because she has enough for this whole family and I need to be there and reel her back in. But then she gets made because I am emotionless when it comes to dealing with her. If you value the friendship but not the close bond of love then let him go. Let him be free which will free yourself. It will probably be hard. It will be even harder when you let him go without bleeding him dry. Be sensible so both of you an rebuild and start a new life. Ugh. I want to delete this and just delete my bookmark to these types of sites and crawl into the shadows. Sadly, I am at the point that I think the shadows will be my doom just to escape this painful chapter of my life. 6 years ago
            • 2bhonest What's making this hard to leave is that I do love him, and have moments where I feel a "tug" to be close to him, hug him, but not more than that. I feel like my emotions are playing mind games with me, and making it difficult to have clarity about what I truly want and need to do. Then there are other moments where I feel so convicted that leaving is the right decision. I think he picks up on these signals and its probably really confusing for him too. Maybe this is the conversation I need to have with him, and I am practicing it right now. Mr_E: you are right that we are both putting up a mask, trying to figure out how to be authentic with each other, driven by my own front. He's told me before that he would rather stay in a sexless marriage with me than divorce. I just don't understand how that can work. Sex is not a main priority for me, but it is important, and even just a base physical attraction. I feel like I have moments where I am able to begin to emotionally separate myself from him, we work opposite schedules so that helps to have more time to myself. But when we are home together on the weekends and spend more time together, I get reattached emotionally, starting the cycle all over again. I feel my instinct to go is greater than the "tug" to stay attached, but I keep getting pulled into this emotional cycle. Perhaps if I am really serious about leaving, starting by creating my own weekend calendar would be the first start. Mr_E, it sounds like your wife is a vortex draining your emotional energy, and making it all the more difficult for you and your boys. What do you think your wife would do if you stopped reacting as she "conditioned" you to? It also sound cyclical, like she has created this situation to meet her needs, but what about yours? (I am also applying this to my situation). 6 years ago
            • Mister_e She is a vortex and I can see it taking a heavy toll on the kids. They already look forward to growing up and moving out and I'm not talking locally moving out. One of them really wants to add some distance. My fear is that if I stay in my situation that the kids will move out and will abandon me as well as their mother. My two boys are a huge part of my life and we all get along and have so many similar interests. I have already left all my friends because of her social anxiety and this includes new friends I made over the last 5 years. I'm not sure what she would do if I acted differently. I've tried in the past and it seems the rules to her game just change. I feel its a no win situation for me if I try to change emotionally for her. She wants me to talk more to her about my day but when I do she says she has no interest in what I'm talking about and I shouldn't talk so much. Show emotion but not. It's a constant struggle that I am losing myself in and not knowing the direction I am facing. Pretty soon my overall demeanor is going to be very depressing and sad which is usually when she switches up her game and pretends to be in a loving intimate relationship and goes along with things in a free flowing manner. But, as soon as she snaps me out of my funk she switches gears again sending us right back to the beginning. 6 years ago
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