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  • chloe Hi guys, I'm new here and could use some input on how long it took you to come to the decision to divorce, whether you felt like you rushed it, and if so, did you regret that? A bit about me: married 11 years, 2 young kids. My husband and I get along really well, share a lot in common, but have had major issues with our sex life almost from the beginning. Our marriage has been largely sexless and passionless, which has caused tons of hurt on my part, feeling rejected, gradually shutting down over time. Although I'm also finally admitting to myself that I don't know that I ever really felt that strong spark towards him, either. I do not feel sexually attracted to him any more, and whatever feeling might have once been there in that area was never super strong. (I think I believed at the time that we got married that you couldn't really have the passion and the emotional stability, and felt like I had to choose.) I also recently found out that during all these years when he was saying that he "just didn't have that high of a libido anymore," he was looking at porn several times a week. That was another major blow to my trust in that department. I don't know why he never made me a priority or fought for me. Of course, now that I'm ready to throw in the towel, he's ready to do "anything" to save the marriage. My heart is feeling like it can't be saved, but we're still doing counseling. We're also starting a trial separation. I just don't know how long I can live in this hell of limbo, but I don't want to rush into a decision that I may regret. Second-guessing myself about a thousand times a day. Thanks in advance for any thoughts!! 9 years ago   *   9 replies
    • metoday2015 Dear Chloe, Sorry that you are going through this. From my own experience I would suggest that it is very likely that your husband suffers from sex addiction (porn in this case), that would be one of the reasons why he did not show much interest in you sexually. What I find fascinating is that you didn't either but realize that perhaps at a very intuitive level you felt something was wrong and that may have turn you off. Counseling is great, but sex addiction is usually the result of deep childhood wounds and needs a specific kind of counseling. I would suggest that you try to find out more about the subject, and perhaps look for a CSAT therapist that will better be able to address your specific situation. Any other kind of therapy is not going to do enough in your case and some time from now you you may end up feeling that wasted a lot of time and money on the wrong approach to the issue. I say this because of my own struggles in a relationship with an amazing man that turned out to be a sex addict and everything we have gone through. I hope you will find the answers you are looking for and do what's best for you and your children. Best of luck! 9 years ago
    • brooklynblue CHLOE - I have the exact same story. Except my ex-husband wanted to have sex (he says) and I was the one who completely shut down. Although we never pressed the issue around sex because of his own repression and semi-sex addiction issues. He wasn't full sex addict but he did use porn and masturbation to get off and then we basically cuddled and slept at night in bed. I found porn a few times in the computer and honestly I was grateful he was having some sexual release because I felt so terribly guilty for never wanting to have sex. My truth was that I never wanted to have sex with him, I loved our emotional security and safety of our relationship but never felt sexual toward him. Because I was wrapped up in my own shit when we met (eating disorder etc) I just wasn't able to access how I really felt and I certainly wasn't able to articulate it... To myself or him. We have2 lovely children and continue to co-parent and we live a few blocks apart. It was incredibly hard to leave a man that I know love/d me but I have come to believe it's an abundant universe and living from a place of scarcity and fear doesn't serve anyone. My ex is happily dating and finally having an active sex life as am I! Our kids know how much love them and feel very supported. We continue with various family traditions together and go on a vacation together once a year. My current boyfriend and I have every other weekend to ourselves and it's pretty fabulous. There is a feeling of loss around the "prefect family" fairy tale but married families are just as fucked up as unmarried families. 9 years ago
      • CARRIE Wow! I'm in the same boat!! And yet I feel so alone cause everyone tells me you have to WORK at the passion. I too am confused cause my husband is a great guy, great father and provider....I'm just not physically attracted to him. And I don't think I ever really was. Like Brooklyn said I was caught up in partying, eating disorder ....and thought that since this nice guy likes me and I am 30 so that means I "have to" get married ...I married him. Now 10 years and 2 kids later I'm a confused 43 year old. Some days I'm all gun ho and ready for the change. And other days I wonder if I would be throwing something great away. I also would have to find a full time job cause I only work part time. A lot of things would change. Am I just afraid of change?? I've been like this for a year. My husband knows how I feel and he's just hanging around waiting for my decision. In the end it's not fair to him either. He deserves someone who truly loves him emotionally and physically. This is tough. Tks for listening :) 8 years ago
    • chloe Thanks guys, for the responses. I continue to feel like this relationship is never going to give me what I really need, but it's hard to end things with a "good person" who you love and have been through so much with. I think our couples therapist has added some confusion/guilt for me, because she seems to believe that we can create passion in our relationship if we really work at it. I don't know that I believe that - there are so many years of baggage, and even my husband has admitted that even early in our marriage our sex life felt "mechanical" and like a lot of work. I've had a great sexual connection with other boyfriends in the past, so although I know I have my share of hangups, I don't think it's just a matter of my issues. Anyway, thanks again for the feedback. I'm biding my time for now, to give these feelings a chance to marinate (and also to look for a job!!) 9 years ago
      • SJAY And I had similar experience with the councillor - she made me feel like a bit of an idiot really. She made me feel like I was being unreasonable and unrealistic and that I was more the problem and not compromising or trying which to be honest is INSANE! It's all I do on everything, compromise and try and fix things. I've been trying my guts out and I'm exhausted. It made me feel really shitty and angry. Overall I would say it's made things worse. 9 years ago
      • crossreeds @Carrie & @Chloe Exact same situation here (minus the porn addiction)....having a VERY difficult time with coming to a decision. I too married for emotional security/stability/safety (ten years ago) and he is a wonderful man...we have fun together, laugh, have traveled, have financial means...however there was never any passion/real chemistry and our marriage has been sexless for the majority. Feels more like i am married to a really good friend. Unfortunately, it took me meeting/becoming involved with someone else to really fully realize my lack of attraction to my husband. And i feel like a complete and utter failure. My husband is unaware of the affair (i know he couldn't handle it ), and i have been to counseling by myself thus far. My therapist also seems to believe that passion can be worked at/cultivated, but i honestly feel that in my case it cannot....if it never was there from the beginning. Now i have to decide if i can remain in a "friendship-based" marriage or move on . I too often wonder if i am just being unrealistic and seeking something that doesn't exist...that i should just be grateful for what i have. Would appreciate any input/updates ! 5 years ago
    • SJAY Hi Chloe, wow I can't believe how similar your story is to mine. Especially the bit where you say you get along well but with glaring issues and also where you say you're done and all of a sudden he is saying he'll do anything to fix it but in my case I don't believe him or trust him to really change and I think it's too late. I think it's just broken. I just feel so anxious and confused. I think in my heart I know it's done but I'm constantly doubting myself and worried for my two young girls. I've been grinding on this decision daily for over a year now and I've had my doubts for years. I was wondering how you were going? Have you found any clarity? 9 years ago
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