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kiki 2016
Hi guys I’m new here . I am 44 years d and have been married for 19 yrs with two kids & amd 10.
I have never been in love with my husband . I got married young and well just thought that’s what you do. We traveled and had fun vacations along with few break ups . The passion is gone . I feel zero affection toward him. I avoid sex at all cost . I don’t even like for him to touch me in anyway it’s uncomfortable. I know that sounds crazy and not at all how a marriage should be. I want to leave him but it’s so hard to tell your husband of nearly 20 yrs you are not attractive or in love with him. I just want to be in love . Life is too short not to be . He is a good guy and a very good dad . But not who I want to spend the rest of my life with .
Advise please
6 years ago * 12 replies
User reported
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HappySouL New here, but feel this board is a wealth of support. I’m in the same boat as you -college loves, first relationship, good dad and husband. Together over 20 years, married 13. I’ve been out of love with him for 7-8 years. I’ve been trying to force myself to feel something, that is just not there. I always thought with effort, it would come, but I could never give more effort than my heart, body, and mind allowed me to. I started therapy a few weeks ago.. the more I think about leaving, the more it makes sense. Not fair on either one of us. I am scared out of my mind for my kids and being alone, but I’ve felt alone emotionally, spiritually, and sexually, for years. As for advise - do you have any desire left for him at all? Are you happier when you are with him or by yourself? I think time is the one thing that has helped me come to my thought process. 6 years ago User reported
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kiki 2016 Hi HappySoul, No I have no desire left for him at all. I am happier when I am alone . But so scared for the kids and I. He will always be there for them I’m not concerned about that at all. I just like him as a friend not a husband . Attractive and sex isn’t everything but I want that in a relationship. My husband even knows that I don’t enjoy sex but he doesn’t think it is him. And he is willing to deal without that in our marriage just to be together . It’s so hard to be honest and tell him. I don’t like to hurt people . Like you said it’s not fair to either one of us . 6 years ago User reported
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HappySouL Same here, Kiki. I see my spouse just as a friend. I can’t picture intimacy with I’m anymore. We’ve gone back and forth so much over the years, and argued.. we even separated for a bit. Nothing changed. Once I said I was seeing a therapist, he started to change his ways (wasn’t a happy person, yelled at the kids, etc). I’ve seen a new man for a few weeks now, but I’m so far gone. I know I have a high sex drive too, but never with him. It’s such a struggle to do what’s right for us vs. what society deems right. I see my therapist this week. Will let you know what he says. Might be of help :) 6 years ago User reported
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kiki 2016 That’s funny my husband tried changing his ways too. He often yells at the kids and I disagree with that. There are some there ways to approach a situation than yell. I fell like I have a high sex drive too but not with my husband . I cringe when he touches me . We have done therapy too but I feel like I know it’s over so I don’t care to go. If I’ve never been in love with him for 22 yrs it’s not going to happen now. We have split too over the years . Keep me posted look forward to hearing from you after your session . 6 years ago User reported
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HappySouL We lead parallel lives! May I ask, if you split a few times, what brought you back together? I will keep you up to date. It does sound like we are in the same boat! 6 years ago User reported
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kiki 2016 We do live parallel lives. 5 years after we married he left me for 8 months . He left me the house he got an apartment. He always said he would come back but needed time apart. I was young so I’m like okay so we got back together . He has always been a drinker and I didn’t like it . Now unfortunately he just found he had a chronic bladder disorder in which he has to avoid A LOT of items including alcohol. So he isn’t a very happy person . I can’t just stay with him Bc I feel sorry for him . I’m going to be 45 I want to live the next 20 yrs in love . I wish we could exchange numbers or something can we do that on here .....lol!! 6 years ago User reported
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HappySouL hi Kiki! We should!! Apt soon.. will let you know how it goes! 6 years ago User reported
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HappySouL Hi Kiki! I sent you a ‘neighbor request’ - not sure how that works, but I think we can message each other. I’ll fill you in on my appointment yesterday :) 6 years ago User reported
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kiki 2016 I’ll take a look at that and see if I can figure that out . Talk soon 6 years ago User reported
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didi768 Wanna be roommates then? I need a job before I can divorce but your story is mine. 25 yrs. of unhappiness. Unless it's just me. Maybe I can't love anyone. 6 years ago User reported
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didi768 I knew I didn't feel much for my husband when we got married but I told myself the feelings would come later, like it's SUPPOSED to on MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT. But....it's not happening. Still. I want to be in love or at least not mind when my husband touches me or stares me down with lust ugh. I'd feel better if he hated me. He did act like he wanted out and I was all over him cause I was scared to have to make it on my own I think. Unless I do like him and I just don't know it?? I must be super messed up. Aren't you suppose to feel SOMETHING after 24 yrs.??? 6 years ago User reported
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crossreeds know exactly how you feel! I often think i am just asking for too much...to be in love, attracted, experience passion...when my husband is otherwise a wonderful man and we have built a comfortable, stable life together...Just don't know what to do....do i stay knowing all of this (that there is/never has been an in love feeling/sexual chemistry)...or leave and go out on my own to give myself the opportunity to experience those things....sigh! 5 years ago User reported
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