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  • Stormy Hi, New to this community and enjoying the posts. Glad to have stumbled upon this. My situation isn’t unique, thought in the throes of it I feel very alone. My marriage ended years ago, but because of two young children the logistics of the separation and divorce took a long time. Shortly after the marriage ended emotionally (vs. physical separation) I became romantically involved with a friend also ending a marriage, who helped me get to where I needed to be – out of my marriage. This relationship went on for two and a half years and was very private/secret for a few reasons. We spent most of our time together alone, first when we could find the time and then on the nights and weekends I did not have my children once I physically separated from my husband (we share custody of the kids.) Because this relationship has been such a huge secret, I spent all my free time with him in private and did not reach out to friends for support when I should have. And I am not able to fully share with them about this relationship because most did not know it existed, though I have shared a little with a few close friends. This person recently ended the relationship, saying he could not imagine being in my life more fully with two young children and that he wanted to be with someone who was in a similar stage of life as he. And yes, he knew I had two young children when we met. I am very angry with him, as the timing of him ending the relationship seemed to come conveniently after he had redefined himself after his divorce, including moving to a new home in my community and starting a new job. I am realizing that the relationship served as a major distraction for me, allowing me to not fully process the ending of my marriage and the break up of my children’s family, and to not really ever be alone without them. Another big piece of my story was the death of my mother this year, something I am just now beginning to process on top of all the other major losses. I have always been a master of containing my emotions until now. I leaned completely on this person through all of this and now he is no longer in my life and I am alone with all of the grief, uncontained. I believe this relationship would have ended eventually, though I had hope throughout that it would not. It’s difficult for me to discern whether I miss this person or miss the distraction, because without the distraction I am now faced with the overwhelming sadness. I know that this is an important part of my journey and that being alone with all the crap is what I need to do right now in order to heal and grow as a person. That said, it is so so hard. I cry all the time and my heart feels like it’s been torn apart. I am in a swirl of missing my children terribly when I am not with them, grieving a difficult relationship with my mother and her death, and trying to let go of this anger toward this man who I cared so deeply about for so long. The hardest part is being alone, something I craved before having children and now I cannot seem to do without coming out of my skin. And yes, I have rock star for a therapist and recently began working with her again. Thanks for listening. I’d love to hear any insight from others who have been through or who are in similar situations. 9 years ago   *   16 replies
    • grapefruit It sounds like you were codependent on this person to help distract you and get through a difficult time. Now your mom is gone too and you're feeling more lonely. I did the same thing during my divorce, once I figured out the relationship was unhealthy (honestly the guy drove me nuts) and I got rid of him, I was finally able to heal. I bet you will too. Focus on you, hang with some gf's and spend time with your kids. You'll be feeling better soon. Good luck. 9 years ago
      • Stormy Hi. Thanks very much, and wise to point out the codependent aspect of this. Funny that this is a theme in my professional work and has been throughout my personal life. Initially I was dependent on him for getting out, then the codependent behaviors surfaced. It’s amazing how insidious these behaviors are. While lots of work has been done there, there is more to be done. Always a work in progress. 9 years ago
        • plasterdust Codependence is a CRAZY amount of work, constant work, hope you are still making progress and I feel for you big time. 9 years ago
    • TDOG wow. really intense and i TOTALLY get it. the alone-ness is CRUSHING…especially as a mom who feel awful when not with the kids. how have the kids been? sounds like you are clear that your marriage is unworkable, and this other guy is unworkable… and your mom isn't around…. the universe seems to be telling you it;s time to hang with yourself and feel without reacting to someone else. it;s a whole other scene living proactively rather than reactively to what others' needs are all the time. 9 years ago
      • Stormy Hi, and thanks. Yes the marriage is over – divorced finalized earlier this year. The other guy is over – I don’t need to be told twice there’s not a place in someone’s life for me. Moving on. The mom piece is complicated, as there are many regrets there. And yes, the Universe is being loud and clear. You write wise words. My kids have been great, though they didn’t deserve this in any way. Doing my best to be present for them so I don’t miss anything. 9 years ago
    • splitter totally been there. left my marriage physically 3+ years ago. and haven't been able to reeeeaaaally be alone. i split custody as well and when i am with my kids, i am with my kids and my bf isn't around, but they still know that my energy isn't always available to them because my bf and i have a tumultuous relationship. 9 years ago
      • Stormy Hi. Thank you. Sounds like a similar situation, though this last relationship wasn’t tumultuous. Just distracting and quite frankly all about him. Ack. As I said to TDOG, doing my best to be present for my kids. Finding that I’m having to look in the mirror and utilize the same advice I gave them when the split first happened. 9 years ago
    • anonymous1 although not unique, i mean…. rarely is a story THAT unique…. but no matter what the circumstances is, it;s amazing how alone we can feel during this transition. i have a ton of friends and support but nothing can compare to the abyss of walking away from all you know… into the unknown…. 9 years ago
      • Stormy Beautifully said, thank you. It’s helpful to know that there are others who understand what this is like. 9 years ago
    • Moving_On Trust me, you feel beet soon. The pain will subside and you will soon learn to be happy on your own. And you will learn to accept your reality and move on to better things 9 years ago
      • Stormy Thank you – acceptance. A mantra I’ve been working with for a while now, though a great reminder to hear it in this context. 9 years ago
    • RAN Hi Stormy...yes Splitsville has been a good place for being 'alone together' with others who can understand and who rarely judge. Have been kind of dreading tomorrow without kids -- because of the aloneness -- a great big wide-open Saturday, and yet... 9 years ago
      • Stormy Hi Ran. That sounds like my every other weekend reality these days. Glad for the virtual support. Good luck to you tomorrow. 9 years ago
    • JennieNYC My mom died just as my marriage was ending and then I lost my job at a point when a steady paycheck was essential since I no longer had dual income to rely on. Then my teenage daughter imploded and I had to send her to a treatment program. All these losses compounded to make me feel lost and alone and overwhelmed with grief, even though like you, I was doing all the stuff we are supposed to do (therapist etc). What I have realized is that sometimes you just have to go through the sh*t. My therapist suggested I set aside some time to grieve every day, to process all these losses because until I do I will be stuck. She also gave me suggestions for drawing my kids out about it too, so they can work through the grief they are feeling as well. Before all of this happened, I used to cherish the rare business trip when I could stay in a hotel room ALONE; now all the alone-ness stretches out before me. I too distracted myself with not one man but many, and the distraction at the time maybe was a good thing because there was just too much grief to process. I urge you to let yourself feel the pain for a bit every day and then change the trajectory of that day; this will help you move forward in a positive way and maybe even heal. 9 years ago
      • Stormy Thank you. That was beautiful. 9 years ago
        • Moving_On Thank you for this. The moment I realized that i needed to go through the pain, not around it, that is when I started healing. I am sad still when I think about what I have lost this past year, but at least now I have gone through the pain and I have accepted it. It is what it is, I can't change the past. I can change my 'today' 9 years ago
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