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Stormy
Hi,
New to this community and enjoying the posts. Glad to have stumbled upon this.
My situation isn’t unique, thought in the throes of it I feel very alone. My marriage ended years ago, but because of two young children the logistics of the separation and divorce took a long time. Shortly after the marriage ended emotionally (vs. physical separation) I became romantically involved with a friend also ending a marriage, who helped me get to where I needed to be – out of my marriage. This relationship went on for two and a half years and was very private/secret for a few reasons. We spent most of our time together alone, first when we could find the time and then on the nights and weekends I did not have my children once I physically separated from my husband (we share custody of the kids.) Because this relationship has been such a huge secret, I spent all my free time with him in private and did not reach out to friends for support when I should have. And I am not able to fully share with them about this relationship because most did not know it existed, though I have shared a little with a few close friends.
This person recently ended the relationship, saying he could not imagine being in my life more fully with two young children and that he wanted to be with someone who was in a similar stage of life as he. And yes, he knew I had two young children when we met. I am very angry with him, as the timing of him ending the relationship seemed to come conveniently after he had redefined himself after his divorce, including moving to a new home in my community and starting a new job.
I am realizing that the relationship served as a major distraction for me, allowing me to not fully process the ending of my marriage and the break up of my children’s family, and to not really ever be alone without them. Another big piece of my story was the death of my mother this year, something I am just now beginning to process on top of all the other major losses. I have always been a master of containing my emotions until now. I leaned completely on this person through all of this and now he is no longer in my life and I am alone with all of the grief, uncontained.
I believe this relationship would have ended eventually, though I had hope throughout that it would not. It’s difficult for me to discern whether I miss this person or miss the distraction, because without the distraction I am now faced with the overwhelming sadness.
I know that this is an important part of my journey and that being alone with all the crap is what I need to do right now in order to heal and grow as a person. That said, it is so so hard. I cry all the time and my heart feels like it’s been torn apart. I am in a swirl of missing my children terribly when I am not with them, grieving a difficult relationship with my mother and her death, and trying to let go of this anger toward this man who I cared so deeply about for so long. The hardest part is being alone, something I craved before having children and now I cannot seem to do without coming out of my skin. And yes, I have rock star for a therapist and recently began working with her again.
Thanks for listening. I’d love to hear any insight from others who have been through or who are in similar situations.