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Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. - P. J. O'Rourke

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  • howamihere HMMM... question of the day… how do you know if you should stay or go? therapists always seem to say "you'll know when you know…" does anyone suddenly have a lightbulb go off??? 10 years ago   *   10 replies
    • karenr I think it can go either way, It can be a build up of actions or inactions or as in my case he came home wasted with a condom still on!! That was it! 10 years ago
      • 12345 ewwww. @ KARENR that sounds horrendous. i knew when after i explained i how felt during sex to my therapist. she said, "hmmm , that doesn't sounds like a viable marriage" and it was sort of a lightning bolt. i don't know why. i had been in total denial and thought everything was either fine and if not fine, it was my fault. 10 years ago
    • 12345 the book "too good to leave, to bad to stay" by mira kirshenbaum was REEEEEEAAAALLY helpful. 10 years ago
    • howamihere thanks all! appreciate the comments and i'm going to look at that book right now 10 years ago
    • MAxI Isn't it more like 'you know' for a long, long time, and then at some point you are actually 'ready' for it? The lightbulb going off is really the realization that you CAN leave, and that change CAN happen, and it then motivates the actions to do so. 10 years ago
    • STACIE 3 years before, but was in denial. Once we separated and I acknowledged that when he was away I didn't actually want to be with him anymore, that's when I actually accepted and knew the truth. You do know when you know. 9 years ago
    • jpiggy You stay until you can't stand it any longer. For me, I realized that if I left, I'd have a chance at happiness. If I stayed, I'd never be happy. 9 years ago
    • spunk_muffin Hi! I'm new here. I definitely struggled with this question a while back. I did get the book that's been mentioned and found it helpful. It helped me to think about what it was I needed to feel happy and in control of my life again, and whether it would realistically be possible to make those changes within the marriage. If you haven't yet tried asking for what you need or being clear but calm about why you are unhappy, then maybe some therapy might help you address these things with your spouse. But if you feel you've already done what you can to get their attention and you have gotten only superficial or temporary change (or none!), then it's likely your spouse is not willing to go down that road with you. It was hard for me to convince myself that my own happiness and my chance for future love and romance was a good enough reason to upend the life we were currently living. 8 years ago
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