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  • magnolia how do you deal with the guilt? i have been my spouse's whole world - and i have felt she has made me way too responsible for her feelings (a bigger problem in the relationship)..and now, with me seemingly leaving, she is dumping so much guilt and blame on me. an extremely intense amount. i have a great therapist and we have a couples' therapist (thank god - we desperately need an anchor) but the guilt, oh the guilt. we've only been married one year. but i recently had a profound realization within myself, as if i woke up to the big picture who's pieces I had felt but never seen as whole until now. a little background - we have a 14 year age gap and I have been with her since I was 20. I feel like I followed her feelings a bit in the beginning. I love her deeply but I feel like I believed I needed the relationship and now that I see I don't need it - I feel like for the first time I feel empowered enough to ask 'do i want it'. there are so many things i could say but it'd be a novel. basically, it would be easier if there were these tangible issues. i have googled for validation for leaving and found this site. i am being told i am completely selfish, that i am ruining her life, that i don't know shit about shit, that i'm a narcissist - all for actually being honest with my feelings and standing up for my own life. yes, it is shitty because it came out of nowhere for her. but i can't change my feelings. ok rant done. but the guilt!! seriously i feel so cornered by it. yes of course you don't want to hurt the other person but at what cost?? 8 years ago   *   8 replies
    • TDOG oh god... this is exactly what i went through. STAY STRONG. seriously. we are allowed to make choices on our own behalf in life. it's really okay and it sounds like a nightmarishly codependent lopsided relationship and it's time to go be an adult on our own and it sounds like she is having a really hard time with that. does your therapist/s etc understand your truth? 8 years ago
      • magnolia thanks so much for responding. yes, thankfully, to my own therapist this is far from an 'overnight revelation' and she is very supportive. i get the sense that the couples' therapist understands what's going on for me as well. i'm taking space at an air bnb right now. also - side note - this past week i've been having really vivid, long dreams and waking up throughout the night feeling uneasy and i'm scared it's a sign i'm making a mistake or something. for the first week of being away i slept so peacefully. i guess things are really getting real now so it's normal for deep feelings and fears to surface in dreams? 8 years ago
        • TDOG I would say so. I left a marriage that my partner didn't want to end. It was so scary to walk through so much cultural messaging to "make it work no matter what". Thank god you don't have kids.... RUN!!! Go live your life!!!!! 8 years ago
    • plasterdust I was what your spouse was to some extent. Her boundaries and staying strong helped me recover from being co-dependent and getting my life and independence back but it took over a year of hard work to get there. This is going to sound a bit out there, but maybe in this decision you've given your soul an opportunity to let loose it didn't have before and now it's sort of having free reign in your dreams. I've found books by the psychologist Robert A. Johnson to be helpful for dream based understanding. 8 years ago
    • RAN Tdog and Pdust speak truth as always. Come up with a mantra -- I'm OK, I'm doing the right thing, she'll be happier in the end, I'm doing what feels right -- along with the therapy, the meditation/yoga, will emerge from this, no matter how dark it gets, no matter the depth of your doubt. She needs to realize that she will not be happy going forward with a partner who's psychologically crossed the bridge, as you have. Her arguments, as you have stated them, are not supportive of staying together! Narcissist? If so, she should be happy to end it! I obviously have no insight into whether you are a narcissist -- but it has been my experience that people who call other people narcissists (esp spouses/partners) are narcissists themselves -- lashing out when they are being thwarted in some way, or suffering a slight. They instantly see the problem as being outside them, and due to other people. 8 years ago
      • magnolia RAN, you are spot on. Thank you. Love the idea of the mantra. Our couples' therapist has been getting me to work on listening to what my body feels which I'm realizing is so foreign to me. I'm realizing a lot of my feelings have been based on hers. What you said about narcissism, while I wouldn't classify her as one - I soooooo get the logic there and completely agree. I have to get outside my head and look at what my actual will is doing - which is staying away, moving away from relationship instead of fighting for it. Thank you for the mantra idea. x 8 years ago
    • Splitsies "rising tides raise all ships" and "what's good for one, is good for all" .... those helped me. 8 years ago
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