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  • springmcm I am very new to this site and have enjoyed reading through it and learned a lot already. I would love some feedback on my current situation. Forgive the long post . . . My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, dated for 2 yrs prior and were actually high school sweethearts that reconnected 10 plus years later. We have full custody of his daughter, who will be 9 this week that I have raised since she was 18 months old. We also have a 4 yr old son together. He is a great father and the kids are crazy about him. However - he is not a great husband. He is extremely emotionally/verbally abusive towards me and each episode lately is just getting worse and worse. Our latest blow up involved him actually physically shoving me down in front of our 4 yr old and then throwing a cup of coffee in my face. I was so stunned by it that I honestly didn't know how to react. Our arguments/fighting have always been very intense and ugly - but we've never had them w/the kids even remotely nearby. He's an extremely jealous person and constantly accuses me of just ridiculous things. If I travel for work (I'm the breadwinner in the family) I get ignored for days at a time. His main emotional warfare consists of days and days of completely ignoring me. When we do fight, words like b***h, c**t, s**t, etc are commonplace. He plays a lot of golf. A LOT. But we fight constantly when I want to go do something w/my girlfriends (thank GOD I have a very close set of friends I can rely on). I am a very strong willed person myself, so the fighting/arguments get very ugly very fast and neither of us will apologize or take responsibility when they happen - so I am not w/out blame here by any means. I'm at a point right now that I'm just over it - that incident with the shoving me down - it honestly feels like a part of me just DIED that day at the risk of sounding over dramatic. He's pushed me into a corner emotionally for SO LONG that I think I've just finally reached my tipping point and my heart has no way to love him. What I wear to work can ruin his day, he thinks every man on the planet is after me, I look in the mirror too much, when I go to the gym at 5 am he says he doesn't think I'm actually going to the gym, I talk too loud to get attention, I stand too close to people when I talk to them. I could go on and on w/the stories and examples, but I hope you get the idea of the controlling nature of his personality. We have gone to counseling before and b/c the therapist basically called him out for being an "obsessive love addict" when it comes to me - he REFUSES more counseling, even just by himself to help him get a grip on this horrible cycle our marriage is in. My main issues and things I'd love to get the communities feedback on are this: I have ZERO legal rights to our 9 yr old daughter, so I will effectively be walking away from her and this weighs very heavy on my heart of course. I do believe he will be so angry w/me for asking for a divorce that he wouldn't let me see her (I could be wrong) and I just feel so heartbroken in general that our family has to be broken apart. I grew up in a broken family and I've always promised myself that I would do ANYTHING I had to do to make this marriage work. I'm very scared of what his reaction is going to be when I tell him that I want to separate and I know he will refuse to leave the home. I'm not leaving w/out my son and I just want to avoid as much drama as I possibly can. I am an extremely strong woman with a great career and I have ZERO fear about what my future would hold w/out him in it - but it's the things like selling the house, splitting up our debt, custody issues, his parents hating me - that sound ridiculous I know - that just overwhelm me and paralyze me. Right now I'm just trying to make it through the holidays. I'm at this huge crossroads in my life . . . and it's like there is no right answer. Thank you for listening. 9 years ago   *   8 replies
    • JennieNYC That is SO horrible!! And I can relate: not only did I have broken family-of-origin syndrome, but my first husband was exactly as you described. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which solved the mystery of why he acted so AWFUL all the time. I thought that would be a turning point with us, but he rejected that diagnosis, refused treatment, and got worse. He was eventually arrested for making threats against me and on suspicion of molesting our daughter (which he was cleared of but his inappropriate behavior was still disturbing). But it was just as you say- so hard to leave because of children! My heart breaks for you and I wish I could give you some helpful advice beyond the admonition to remember that you are not alone, and follow your instincts and your heart. Love and strength to you <3 9 years ago
      • springmcm Thank you for the reply! It means a lot 9 years ago
      • LOVEISCRAZY i really think that we often put way to much into "making it work no matter what" and i dont think that is a great model for our kids. it teaches them that accepting abusive behavior is ok and that we need to suffer for love. which is BULLSHIT. RUN DONT WALK. 9 years ago
    • 12345 lord. i feel for the 9yo. because as kids get older and have more independence it will be hard for him because he cant control them. they are still young enough to control. send him to SLAA. he is a sick man is he willing to go to treatment?? this will only get worse and not it;s moved to physical abuse. i know that feeling of something dying within so well. ugh. SO WELL. for me my ability to trust my partner and feel safe with them was gone. i would get thru the holidays and start trying to move toward mediation/collaborative law. does he make any money?? 9 years ago
      • springmcm He does make money and is self employed - I will check this out. He has refused any type of counseling after our first go round with it, but perhaps there is hope he would consider again. 9 years ago
    • anonymous1 read this book "in spite of everything". the author was soooo committed like so many of us to have an "intact" family but in spite of everything , she divorced.... and it;s a fascinating tale. how so many of us who grew up in "broken homes" are obsessed with having perfect families. the thing is .. you can have a great family and be divorced. 9 years ago
      • springmcm I will definitely check this out - thank you! And yes - I believe your sentiment is correct in that those of from broken families are so adamant that our own "family" will not be broken. 9 years ago
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