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Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. - P. J. O'Rourke

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  • plasterdust I don't want a divorce! After a year+ of emotional/sexual separation and financial planning etc. I realized that I just love my wife even though she said, "I will never feel a romantic connection with you ever again." After beginning a meditation program, grieving the relationship and dealing with my co-dependence I realize the reason I'm facilitating this split is just to do what I think she wants...again. I don't actually know what she wants, probably just to be herself. And I just want to be myself, which means being honest about my true feelings and not acting based on fear and emotional coercion....or acting from a place of resentment/revenge. If she wants to get divorced after a period of separation I'm not going to block the process but right now we're still married, still living in the same house and still raising our beautiful children together. So I'm just going to enjoy that and stand my ground. I can't tell if I'm setting myself up for disaster or if I'm doing the best thing possible...whaddaya figure? 9 years ago   *   18 replies
    • plasterdust Hello myself, you are in the "Denial" phase of grieving...own it brotha! It's also totally okay to talk to yourself online and then reply 9 years ago
    • plasterdust Seriously, meditation program, relationship grieving, co-dependence? What kind of man are you? Why don't you go on a gluten free Master Cleanse, do some yoga and grow a vagina? 9 years ago
      • plasterdust Um, I'm healing right now...and meditation rocks my world, my chakras are totally spinning in the right direction now...also, I gave up my manhood when the Winnipeg Jets got swept out of the playoffs. Couldn't you just win sometimes Jets? 9 years ago
        • RAN Keep up the (internal) dialog, PD. I felt like I was walking a fine line between acceptance/mindfulness/gratitude and being a doormat. But eventually, I accepted that she didn't care for me anymore, that nothing I was going to do would change that, and that gave me detachment, and eased the torment. I was so mad, jealous, I don't care about her. You'll get there. 9 years ago
      • brooklynblue omg you are cracking me up!! whats going on?????? 9 years ago
    • jimneycrochet feels like you are CLINGING to this marriage.... does she want to be married to you? why do yo love her? are you a masochist???? 9 years ago
    • plasterdust Nope, not gonna fly. Use me up and throw me out...that's how it's gonna be, that's how it is. Gotta man up and move on. 9 years ago
      • Moving_On Yep, time to move on. Seems like already has, at least since it seems she is not changing her mind about the divorce as you keep standing your ground. Time to accept her wishes and move on ... :( 9 years ago
        • plasterdust Yeah, it blows, feels like such a waste but I think the most painful part is simply I had this fantasy about owning real estate together, flipping houses, watching the kids grow up, owning a beach house in Australia in 20 years and sipping margaritas. It's the loss of my vision of the future that is so painful, after years of struggling we're finally making it in the world and so instead of working as a team she feels stable enough to break it off. WHAT A WASTE! What was I doing for the last decade but trying to set the foundation for that future. Now it's gone. 9 years ago
          • Moving_On Who said that you cannot start working on making those fantasies true right now? Only you can make yourself happy, no one else. And the beauty of it is that someday, if you open yourself up to all the possibilities that are out there, you might find someone (dare I say, even better) that has the same dreams and fantasies as you do. I am the glass half full kind of person, I know, but if you allow yourself to get out there I am sure you will find something better. The best part, you are a better person now after all this experience. So cheer up and get out there and make your fantasies true and you never know what's in your future 9 years ago
            • plasterdust Pretty hard to cheer up when your wife is out getting drunk and spinning her story while you're left alone at home to deal with the kids. 9 years ago
            • Moving_On Soon you will leave all of this behind and will decide to make yourself happy. During my divorce process my mom kept repeating to me "Remember, that this shall pass and one day you will be on the other side of this. It might seem like that day will never come, but it will. This has to end at some point no matter what." Best advise ever!!! 9 years ago
            • plasterdust Thanks moving_on! 9 years ago
            • liggy I feel your pain man .. and love the inner monologue and self replying. awesome. hang in there. do what is right by your kids, figure out what YOU really want (her doesn't work in this scenario, sorry), and then work on achieving it. Good luck. You are not alone. Your feeling of loss as it relates to the 'vision of the future' is on point, I feel the same. Just found out my future ex wife will be purchasing a home sans me very soon. Got to let it go and do MY thing now though. You should too. Yes, it is hard. But still do it. 8 years ago
      • Ms. Medusa One of the wisest pieces of unsolicited advice I received when contemplating separation came from a friend whose situation was similar to mine. He said, when one party has decided it's over, it's over. I thought about it for a very long time afterwards and a lot of things made sense. This friend has given me other very wise pieces of unsolicited advice since and when I give unsolicited advice I try to make sure it's not total rubbish. 7 years ago
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