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  • Hummingbirds I have been married 10 years, and out of those 10 years, 6 have been sexless. The last time we had sex was to procreate our son. I wanted to have sex during pregnancy, he didn't, sometimes I didn't, what made him attractive before was his body but now he is a ball, and for a long time dismissed my petitions for him to lose weight. Just picture being married to someone that looks a lot older than you, bad mood, just talks about his work and nothing else, fat, not attractive face. Also, we are economically well, everything paid for, yet I feel like I am alone in trying to deal with our son's food allergies. He recently bought a $120k lot all cash, yet claimed he didn't want to pay $3k for special medical tests for our son because he didn't want to get out a $3k loan. I want sex, but not with him. I remember that on our wedding night I told him that I was tired, and let's wait until the next day when we arrive at the nice hotel in the countryside. I think in hindsight, I got married to him to get out of my narcissist parents'house, so I was close to suicide, and was stuck with my University thesis not being able to move ahead. Our honeymoon wasn't really filled with honey either. I think the answer is divorce, however being Christian it is hard, besides what society says. What scares me is that I don't work, and I know that to follow through with divorce I will need to start working. We live in the countryside, I have no siblings, I feel alone. Sorry for the rambling. And yes, to complicate things further, a year ago my University crush added me as a friend, and after a year of getting to know his way of thinking, what he likes, dislikes, etc, I am completely head over heels for him, and I think it is mutual. We have sexted, however at the same time I know he sees everything I post because he is the first friend on my list (even more so than my best friend and husband). My gut feeling is that he doesn't want me to get confused, and doesn't want to get involved in any way until I get out of my marriage. He really does seem like a better match for me. Ten years of marriage is not easy for just anyone, no one is perfect. However I can't envision a sexless marriage with me just masturbating, when I could finally have the fullfilling marriage that I deserve. I think in ten years of marriage, we probably had sex like what, 20 times maximum?! Ughhj 5 years ago   *   7 replies
    • crossreeds You are so not alone in this. Your story here is very similar to mine....i may not have much to offer in terms of advice, but i can share my situation and hopefully you may find some clarity. I too have been with my husband a little over a decade. Together 14 years, married for 11. He is a wonderful man....and has always tried his best to put me first and make me happy since day one. I know i married him for the outstanding person he is...the peace, safety, security he has brought to my life i am grateful for. I have, however, never really felt like i was "in love" with yes...but no passionate, romantic feelings of being in love. Big lack of overall physical/intellectual attraction/chemistry. I was only 22 when we met/started dating, so i think i told myself those things just weren't ideal or important in a life partner...which of course, led to a sexless marriage. Fast forward 10 years, and i really found myself /us in a very disconnected place....basically living like roommates. I gained the attention of a friend i was very attracted to(with whom i share hobbies, a lot in common), and an affair began....and has been going on for a year. My spouse does not know, nor do i want to hurt him with such a bombshell. This whole experience has forced me to feel so many different emotions....many of which i haven't felt in a very long time. One piece of advice i'd give is try your hardest to figure out the status/state of your marriage BEFORE becoming heavily involved with someone else.....having deep feelings for another person WHILE trying to figure out your marriage, is very very difficult to say the least. The guilt is immense....and i honestly don't know what i am going to do....i often times feel that divorce is the answer for my husband and i also....but i am trying to be very careful and diligent in introspection to figure out what i truly want for my, security, financial means (no need to every worry about money), a good man i can trust my life with, but no passion/romantic relationship......or..... the freedom to make my own choices, the passionate, deep connection, attraction i desire and can't believe i lived so long without. I don't work (much) either..haven't in years....and finding a steady job in my field is difficult in the area where i live...i honestly don't think i will have the nerve to truly consider leaving until i do. We do have good savings/assets, but i don't want to have to rely on that to provide for myself (even if we do split it all 50/50). So many emotions...... 5 years ago
      • SVONE such good advice.!!!!!!! 5 years ago
      • Hummingbirds I am EXACTLY in the same boat as you Crossreeds. And I think I have come to the conclusion that it is unfair to my husband to be married to someone who doesn't desire him (me). I have been thinking about the past, the days before wedding, wedding night, honeymoon, etc, and it just isn't what I wanted it to be (sex life). I am completely heads over heels with desire for someone else whom recently came into my life. This person was my platonic love at the University. I have openness up to him about my feelings after reconnecting a year ago, and it is mutual. It seems that both of us were too shy to talk to each other in school. I am being selfish staying with my husband for my economic convenience. I am in the process of finishing two house designs, then plan to find a work with a stable salary. At least part time. I am not sure if I will regret it. I think now I have to imagine what life would be like if my ex-husband would have a new wife, how would that be like, how would my son fit in the new scenario, costs, etc. Lots of planning. It is so overwhelming, that I just want to sit a do nothing, wishing it would solve on its own. However it won't. And the part that scares me the most is how will he react to splitting funds, properties, etc. He probably thinks I don't deserve anything despite the fact that I have saved money that would've had to be spent for babysitter or daycare, etc. He made a comment the other day that I was spending too much time on the phone, and that I should just leave and that he and our son would stay together. What nerve. My son would prefer to stay with me hands down no doubt about that. 5 years ago
        • crossreeds Oh tough an even harder due to the fact that you have a child together. Fortunately, we don't have any kids. We never even tried (i just never felt in my heart that it was right to start a family/just wasn't what we wanted as a couple)...that right there should have told me something, huh?? I feel like i have filled the void (for my un-fulfilment in the marriage) with other things over the, shopping & other material things, lots of exercise, time/freedom to come and go as i please... and it is a difficult and heartbreaking realization. And i, like you, am terrified of being on my would be a major lifestyle change for me, but i feel as though i don't want to remain in the marriage for financial reasons...if i were to stay, i want it to be for the RIGHT reasons...and currently, i can't say that this is the reason why i haven't yet left/separated from him. I started a "part time" job last week (to supplement the small amount of work i already do each week) is likely only temporary (for 6 weeks), but i wanted to try to at least put myself in the position to at least "try and see" what things might be like on my own....My hope is that this will bring forth more clarity and show me what i'd be getting into. i am also trying not to take into account my affair partner (which is really really hard) he has his own complexities in his marital situation...even MORE complex than mine, as he's been married much longer, but been very unhappy for a number of years. I honestly don't know that he will leave his wife, but i DO know how he feels about me and our relationship. Therefore, i really want this decision (whether i stay or go) to truly be about me and what i desire in life....i know i do want true love (and a strong physical relationship/ lots of sex), but often times i feel as though I'm asking for too much....that i should just be happy with what i have...and accept it for what it is. Sigh... 5 years ago
          • Hummingbirds I hear ya Crossreeds. A marriage without sex, is well, not a marriage. It is a solid commitment between friends, but like you, I don't want to spend my life in a sexless marriage. I am just NOT attracted to my husband. I am sure that there are many women around the world that are in arranged marriages, with someone that they don't like, etc, which of course makes us feel like we should be grateful to have our economic needs met. Yet, if you think about it, I don't know about you, but I could never be a prostitute or a young chic looking for an 80yr old moneybags, I just can't give a payback of sex/making love in exchange for economic security. I have actually come to the conclusion that I'm not being fair to either him nor myself. I don't have an affair, yet a reconnected friend who well, we are head over heels for each other and he is purposely maintaining distance so that way my husband won't blame him for the divorce. I truly feel in my heart that this is what I want, I am really sexually attracted to this other person, and am willing to make the changes. Yet here where I live, there are no part time options, only full time from 7am to 5pm, and the after school day care is only until 3pm. There is absolutely no one from family or friends that can take care of my son, so I am kind of stuck. My original plan was to get a job and earn some money before I give him the news, however it looks like I might have to change plans. For now I am doing footwork, studying where my son and I can live (in exchange for the sale of the lot we have), and the two schools I am interested in. One of the schools has daycare till 6pm, it is not where he is now, at least 1.5hr away. You're fortunate that you're not complicated. You'll be able to arrive at your goal sooner than myself. 5 years ago
            • Hummingbirds Masturbation looses it's fun after a while. I also have filled the void with other things, or just life itself, focused on saving money for buying property, cars over the years... Yet once we arrived at everything being paid off, that's when I felt cheated, when we have money and our son's health needs are neglected. A marriage is in sickness and health, and also richness and poverty. I can imagine being recharged in a marriage with regular sex. But I have been depleted over the years. Whatever he de idea financially it goes. I am fed up, and would like to call it quits tomorrow. But I'm waiting to get my car fixed. Lol. How terrible to have gotten myself in this situation. 5 years ago
            • crossreeds I hear ya loud and clear with this! We seem to be a couple who has it all going for us on the surface....but underneath it all we lack that real, romantic connection. It really saddens me. Because in my mind theres a part of me that wants to "try" to make this marriage work...yet another part of me that "knows the truth" and knows that attraction just cannot be "created" is either there or it's not. I'm with you - masturbation does get old...i have toys but i crave that real energetic connection to a real man...a man I'm physically attracted to. We tried to have sex the other night (for the first time in months) and it was disappointing , per the usual.. I wouldn't have even gone there, but my AP and i had a misunderstanding over the weekend and i was really i kinda "made myself" have sex with my's almost like i try to tell myself i can "make' myself be turned on and attracted....but i know deep down that i can't. I get SO envious when i hear about other married couples and their sex life....and i feel so alone and i am really missing out....on what marriage is all about. I know its not the only thing, but it's a BIG thing....a big reason to be married in the first place! 5 years ago
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