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  • Confusedone I have been married for 5 years, together for 5 years before that. We do not have any children and never planned to. About a year ago, a coworker and I started an emotional affair which turned physical. I have never been happier than when I had the two of them. Now, my affair partner ended things bc he is married with kids. Now I am left feeling empty. I am not attracted to my husband at all; even struggle to kiss him and intimacy is miserable. I don't know if I was ever truly physically attracted to my husband. He is kind, sweet and hardworking. I felt secure and safe when I was with him and I wonder if I assumed it was okay we didn't have the physical connection that I wanted. Now, after experiencing passion and an incredible connection, I can't imagine just going back to life as it was before. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Did you ignore your feelings and just lie a dispassionate life? Did you leave and start over again? My husband says he is still in love with me, I am the one for him and he thinks the sex is great and feels connected, but I couldn't feel more different. HELP! 5 years ago   *   12 replies
    • crossreeds Oh my! Your situation sounds very very similar to mine. I would love some input on this topic as well. I'm in the same boat (but still involved with the "other man" currently). Married 10 years/no kids and didn't realize the lack of connection until beginning the emotional, then physical relationship with the other guy. I am still quite unsure about what to do, as my husband is as good as gold- really an outstanding person....we are the best of friends, deeply love each other, he treats me exceptionally well....but I just don't have the desire (never really have) to be physically intimate with him, nor have i ever felt like i was "in love"....I, like you, am fearful that if ichoose to remain in the marriage, that i will grow to further resent my husband and be stuck with the pink elephant in the room of an unfulfilled marriage...irregardless of what happens with my other relationship . My husband also thinks "everything is fine" and is also in love with me.....I am terrified of hurting him...though i am not in love with him, i do still love and care for him very much and the thought of hurting him completely breaks my heart. Have you tried counseling? At least individual counseling? I attended a session about a month ago, and it did help me gain a little perspective- even though i am still unsure about what to do. 5 years ago
      • Confusedone I have been going to individual counseling for a few months. A large part has been trying to work through my feelings about my coworker. I am having a really hard time accepting that piece and counseling has been largely for that piece. The last time I went through I really started talked to her about my feelings regarding my husband. I always feel like I gain a lot of clarity after my sessions w her but I think it’s important not to rush any decisions bc my feelings are still so raw regarding my affair. I was happy before the affair and my husband and I had a lot of fun together, but I wonder now if I was just suppressing the need for passion/intimacy. I get so scared I’ll leave and then never find someone else that fulfills me like I want. Do I want something unattainable? A lot of my girlfriends think so and that freaks me out. Do you have any kind of direction or decision you’re leaning toward? 5 years ago
        • crossreeds Wow!! You and i really are in the same boat! I feel the exact same way - i too was "happy" i thought...before the affair began but i often wonder if i had just been distracting myself with other things - house, work, hobbies, shopping, travel, etc to avoid facing that lack of connection between my husband and i....we have everything else going for us otherwise - a fun life together....TBH, i don't think i was at all aware of "what i was missing" (i.e. the passionate sex/physical attraction and just overall deeper connection on all levels). And now i just wonder if i can remain in the marriage/go back to the way things were before -now knowing what i know. I feel strongly that is the reason i have been unable to end the affair and bring my attention back home to "work on my marriage". from what i have read, if the attraction/chemistry/in love part was never there to begin with, the chances of it appearing now are slim to none. And that is sobering. But i, like you, also wonder if i am just asking for too much---i have an otherwise wonderful man, who loves me dearly and treats me like a queen. My friends (the two i have confided in about my discontent in my marriage) also say things like "the grass isn't greener on the other side" and " you should just be happy with who/what you have" - but these are people who sort of "settled" also)....and that also saddens me. I am still very undecided at the moment. I am terrified of making the wrong decision - my affair partner is also unhappy/unfulfilled in his marriage (his much longer and more broken than mine even). He is very focused/invested in our relationship and i think he would be more willing to leave soon....however, he has older kids in the picture and is VERY concerned about their reaction. So he is dealing with that. In my case, i am not ready to make a any decision...thats for sure. I believe i need to continue to take my time and really think/feel this through....still feeling very stuck in the middle - not really leaning to one side or the other at the moment... 5 years ago
          • Confusedone Well fuck, my affair partner told his wife everything yesterday. I got a message from her and we are no longer allowed to communicate at all, even though we work together. I decided to tell my husband today about the affair. I couldn’t have that hanging in the air forever, especially w her knowing now. It did not go well at all. I don’t know what I pictured but it’s all so real now. I am so confused and scared right now. My husband stormed out and is god knows where, no clue what he is thinking and I am doubting everything I’m feeling. What if I made a mistake? Why did I have an affair, why did I let it last so long? But the. I am back to, why did I have one to begin with? What was I seeking? Is this a situation that had to happen for me to take a step toward being in a relationship I truly need and want? Did I just completely fuck up something that I should have worked harder at!?!? Ugh!!!! 5 years ago
            • crossreeds Omg, hun!! I am SO sorry!! I hate to hear that things got so crazy in such a short amount of time. And you're not the only one who asks all of those i have been having a lot of guilty moments of crying hysterically and questioning myself also...i think i know WHY i did this, but often beat myself up over the fact that i knew better and did it anyway. I'm having a lot of fear going forward..... unfortunately this is not my affair partner's first affair (as he has been very unhappy at home for a long time), but he ended up telling his wife about the first affair and it really messed her this day she is still very insecure and still harasses him with questions and does not trust him. He and i both agreed a while back that (granted we do not get caught) we will not disclose this to his wife or my he doesn't want to put her through that again and it would completely devastate my husband. We have had to be VERY careful. In your case, its very unlikely that you could have done anything more in your marriage if you just aren't attracted to your husband. Sure, you could have worked on some other aspects/problematic areas, but if lack of attraction is the main underlying issue (like it is for me), there's just not really anything else you could do/could have done. I know that is the issue that i have to face.....whether or not i can truly be content in a marriage based on friendship....and i honestly don't know the answer at this time. Sending positive vibes your way and please update when you can!!! hugs!!! 5 years ago
            • Confusedone Interesting, we always said we would NEVER tell our partners and he pulled this right out of left field. So freaking bizarre. Thanks for the kind words. Everything you have said makes PERFECT sense and is exactly what I think and feel at my most rational, and then I think about the little details. How will we figure out the dig? Where am I going to live? Would we sell our house? Do I deserve any of the money even though I didn’t put money into it? Things like that and then I am spinning. I think what you should do is re-read what you wrote to me and listen to your extremely wise words. Sounds like you know what you need and want to do, but also sounds like you’re frozen like me. I am taking off of work tomorrow and going to my therapist to come up w a plan. Ugh! I feel like shot is about to get super real! I’ll keep you posted and please keep me posted too! 5 years ago
            • Confusedone Wanted to give you an update after therapy today. I am not rushing to an answer. Instead, my husband and I are starting couples therapy next week. I think I at least owe it to him to put in effort to see if this is something we can fix, or if it is best we move on. I hate everything being so uncertain but I don't want to make a move I am going to regret. Right now he said he wants to make it work and work on it. I am really surprised he is even willing to entertain the idea. I guess we will see! Keep me posted how it is going on your end!! 5 years ago
            • crossreeds Thank you so much for the update!I have been busy and meaning to get back on here to check! It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing/what's in your heart. In both our cases i think taking time and not making any hasty decisions is best. And how wonderful that your husband is open to giving it a go to see if things can work out. I hope that you both can find some answers! I am so very fearful that if my husband ever found out, he would divorce me....not necessarily because that's what HE truly wanted to do, but just out of peer pressure/his family's strong conservative influence. My affair partner is also quite convinced that his wife would freak and split from him for good this time if she knew. We are doing our best to keep it very quiet, and we only see each other once-twice a week on average, since he is busy remodeling a house for his son after he gets off work most days. But he continues to be very focused on me and appearing more and more serious about the relationship. My feelings are getting stronger also, but i am just so fearful, you know....i just don't want to make a big mistake either. And while neither of us is ready to make a decision regarding our marriages, i sometimes wonder how much longer i can do in a double's wearing on me. I think i am just going to take the next few weeks and really introspect, maybe go back to therapy also....I don't really have a timeline on this,but i am fairly sure that i want to know where i stand (do i stay or do i go?) by the end of the year. 5 years ago
            • Confusedone I think therapy would be amazing for you. I seriously look forward to my sessions. If you work, look to see if they offer a program for some free sessions. I got 6 free initially and when those ran out I got 6 additional. The one thing 8 have really take away from my sessions w her (especially most recent appointment) is that it is okay not to know what you want. When my husband asks I need to stick to the fact that I am trying to figure it out but I am not sure. He knows the conflicts I am feeling and we are starting therapy next week, so we will see if he agrees that is it okay that I’m confused and am not sure. I am sure it’s hard for you by your husband doesn’t know about your affair but you can be honest w hi, about the reluctance and feelings you are experiencing regarding your relationship. Maybe you guys can try to fix whatever the issues are... I think it’s important to put the effort in so I know I really tried. Not sure I could live w myself if I just threw in the towel to see if we could change things for i think you’re right thoug, take time for yourself. I will say from experience now that affairs rarely end well so just be careful. I can’t even tell you how much more complicated things are now that they are all out in the open. Ugh...keep me posted. It’s wild how similar our situations are, 5 years ago
            • crossreeds I'm glad to hear that he is so willing to work on things with you! And you're right...i would like to try to tallk with him at some point about my uncertainty in all of this. I am just terrified of hurting him with bringing it up to begin with, let alone attempt to discuss the issue of lack of attraction on my end.. And you're absolutely correct in that most affairs don't end very well. I've done lots of research and the odds are not favorable. I do have real feelings for my affair partner, but i am painfully aware that there is a great possibility that it won't work out. I have to be prepared for that. I think my main concern right now is just to figure out whether or not i can continue on in my marriage/how to talk to my husband. Keep me posted!! 5 years ago
            • Confusedone Hey! Not sure if you check back in on here often but I just wanted to check in to see how things are going. My husband and I are taking a day at a time. Some days suck so bad and I wonder if we are going to be able to get through this, and other days I feel confident that we can. Absolutely the craziest time ever. My ups and downs are insane, I feel nuts sometimes. Definitely doesn't make it a lot easier that my ex-affair still works in the same building as me, next room over in fact so I have to see him daily...even hear his voice through the walls every day. We don't make eye contact anymore and haven't said more than a few words to each other since the day he told his wife about everything. I think it is really hard because I am ready to move on and try to make things work with my husband, but haven't gotten closure from him. I have a few questions I would love the opportunity to ask him so they stop circling around in my mind everyday. We aren't allowed to communicate with one another, put upon us by our spouses, but I feel like that is a major block to me being able to totally move past it. Ugh! What is going on with you? Any updates??? 5 years ago
            • crossreeds Hi!! Sorry, i haven't been on in quite a while! Glad to know that you and your husband are both open to working on things...and i really feel for you having to still see your ex-AP on a regular basis. That cannot be easy! I also think it would be especially hard to be forbidden to talk to him at all...given you are in need of some closure/have questions. Maybe you will get the change eventually...given that you still work nearby each other. As for me, a lot has happened since i last logged on here. Around Thanksgiving, my AP dropped the bomb that he was moving out/separating and potentially divorcing his wife...that he just couldn't take it anymore (the unhappiness at home). I told him that although i was not ready to make any decisions/moves regarding my marriage, i did support him in whatever he felt was necessary for his happiness/well-being. He moved out for about a month to think about things (he and i cut way back on contact/i wanted to honor his space), but decided to move back home the day after Christmas.....his wife went ballistic....begging and pleading with him all day everyday to come back. He said he felt he needed to give it one more try....not because he really wants to marriage to work, but out of guilt ...and desire for family unity. He is very close to his (adult) kids and i believe he is terrified of hurting their relationship(s). All of which i understood....and told him that i felt we needed to both move on, if this was his decision. So i called it off right before New didn't last. He would not leave me be. He told me that his feelings for me had not changed...and that he was only back home out of guilt. I tried to resist him......but i eventually caved and started seeing him again. About this same time (early january), i had a serious talk with my husband. I did not tell him about the affair, but did let him know about my uncertainty and unfulfilment in our marriage. He took it better than i thought and was quite understanding. Since then, we have tried to work on some things...well, the things that i felt could be worked on...and some of which has improved a little. I do still struggle hard with being physically intimate with him/the whole lack of attraction issue....aaaand the fact that i became involved with my AP again probably hasn't completely helped either. We (AP and I) started communicating again slowly and weren't really seeing each other very often....until last month. Over the past few weeks things have gotten intense (he has been making more attempts to see/communicate with me than usual)...and we spent the day together/had a talk. He expressed how he felt about me and that he is very serious about me/seeing where this goes. We are both on the same page that it was/is right for us both to try to figure out our own "stuff" first, before we consider leaving our spouses for good....and that we both feel strongly that we don't wajnt to leave for "each other"....but because we felt it was the right path for our life. So that leaves me with the need to really, really do some soul-searching and try to decide if i really want to try harder to make the marriage work (and take time away from my AP) ....or separate from my husband for a while to try to gain more clarity..... this is really husband is a wonderful man....but the attraction/romantic relationship just isn't there.... then theres my AP...who is everything i'm missing...but just lots of fear about the unknown...continuing in something risky/potential to hurt so many people. Wish me luck!! 5 years ago
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