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  • GUNNER if your husband barely touches you sexually, but is a kind man and a loving parent can you justify separating after finding his transsexual porn on his iPad ( which the kids use!). He's my best friend but is it selfish to break up the family now I know I can never be what he wants? Our sex life has been crap for nearly ten years and I feel that maybe I have found out why.. Am in good shape and am feeling a desperate need for an intimate relationship. Am 40. And sad and worried that all the pain I been through in the months since I found out will be again buried for the good of the family unit. He sleeps in another room now, since I found out. Kids are happy. Do I keep going or back down? 9 years ago   *   11 replies
    • TIMBUKTU personally, i know i needed to have a healthy active sex life to be the person i wanted to be. I couldnt just shut that part of myself down for the sake of the family. i think an open honest conversation about how can keep the family unit safe and secure while you each give each other space to explore your own sexuality. i think we need to be open to looking at ways to wear marriage like a loose garment rather than a straitjacket. if he is your best friend, then you want him to be happy and vice versa. and that might mean taking your erotic impulses elsewhere while you continue to co-parent. 9 years ago
    • doublea Is it the transexual part that bothers you? 9 years ago
      • GUNNER Yes the TS stuff does bother me, a lot. I feel that for the marriage I ve been playing one game and he's been in another. I can't compete with that I can be that. It's sad as all hell really. But for me it's a deal breaker. Strangely an affair ( with a woman) I could understand and process this i can't. Is that wrong? 9 years ago
        • LITTLEPEA Of course it's not wrong, if that's how you feel it is never "wrong." If your sex-life together was great, where do you think you'd stand with that? I think the lack of intimacy coupled with the type of porn he chooses, speaks volumes. I think it's likely he's suppressed a large part of the man he is, in order to be the man he thinks he SHOULD be. Have you asked him about it all? 9 years ago
          • GUNNER Yes we ve talked about it but he's sticking to the line that it's just fantasy. One of the TS's descriptions was basically a younger me, but wth a cock... The other one was the opposite. There were escort sites too and he says he's only skyped them but that coupled with not wanting me speaks volumes to me and I can't bury it. I desperately need some intimacy and am tired of rejection. He at first admitted he was ' worried' about his sexuality but now he's closed that whole conversation down. Feel so crap about myself. 9 years ago
    • dadofthree ever thought about staying together and having outside sexual partners? GREAT piece int he new york times that ran today i think about a couple who did it and its working.... 9 years ago
      • GUNNER Hmmm will look it up. He offered that which I found odd as a 'straight' guy to say, hey go have an affair... Didn't take him up on it as it was about the broken relationship we have rather than a need for another. But who knows, maybe that is an answer at this stage! Jesus I have no idea! 9 years ago
      • musicgirlcali What was the name of the article you posted about a while back. Ran in the ny times?? Thanks 9 years ago
    • Boogie Um, you're not transsexual. He's become addicted to something you can't be. He needs some help to get over his addiction, if he is willing. 9 years ago
      • GUNNER He won't deal with that side of it. At all. It's not been mentioned as we slide in to comfortable separation in the house. It's like the elephant in the room some days. Not sure if he thinks am going to forget about it or if he knows it's the deal breaker and that is why he's not talking about it as the convo would be too hard to go through again. After suggesting I have an affair ( which I haven't) it made me realise that very few 'straight' guys would offer that as a solution to this problem. He loves his kids v much and knows I d never take them from him but I m not sure what the next step is. Eventually I guess he moves out and we move on in easy time. It's an odd one. 9 years ago
        • GUNNER Just can't get past the trans sexual porn, just can't. Feel in my heart that's who he is, that somehow his sexuality that has no desire for me and hasn't in years, is buried in secrets and wants even he can't admit to yet His parents are blaming me for the separation and I ll never be able to truly explain why we are where we are. He's a proud man. I couldn't do that to him. We re both lonely with each other 9 years ago
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