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strangely happy

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Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. - P. J. O'Rourke

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  • Crazychef I've been faking since the beginning. I don't just mean sexually - although that is also true - but I mean I've realised that from day one, I haven't really been feeling the things I've been displaying. I think I've done it my whole adult life, to try to keep my emotions under control, to avoid getting hurt, to find some sense of peace. I think I almost succeeded, I've been married 5 years. There were some signs - gut feeling, I've always ignored it - that something was wrong. I remember being sort of confused the first time we had sex, because I wasn't attracted to him but was enjoying the sex, basically because it was sex with someone new. When he told me he loved me, I said it back. When he smiled, I smiled back. I didn't mean to by lying, it's only now I can see I didn't really...really...feel it. There were certain things I wanted like marriage and a house. This good and lovely man worked so we could have them. On our wedding day I felt happy. I don't think I faked that. Then bam. The sort of love I never believed in happened. All that soulmate and 'meant to be' stuff. I fell in love 8 months ago, to someone who loves me back. We have not done anything physical, and the whole time I have been trying to make it go away. But I learnt that there is no such thing as 'trying'. When someone is trying, they are lying. I told my husband last week, and he said I should have tried harder. I know it is hell for him, but the strain of trying - of trying to shut down love, hide it, deny it, refocus, have sex, be happy, make plans, talk - was such a hard act (on top of all the other acting) that it made me ill. I was drinking just to try to feel normal, although I don't know what that means now. I have learnt that I have never felt true love before. And that acting happy is not the same as being happy. And now my husband wants me to come back and keep trying, and he's so broken I feel I would do anything to ease his pain, in fact his pain is so severe I can't think straight. All I know is I love and want something else, and that the past has been life through a lense...not real. Because wow, it is true, real love changes everything. But it would be so easy to go back, end my husband's pain, go back into the old routine. All the while heartbroken for someone else 7 years ago   *   10 replies
      • alphabeta SAME!!! 7 years ago
      • Crazychef It's so easy to stay and so difficult to go. We've been separated for 10 days now and met yesterday to talk, and I said I wasn't coming back. The pain was unbelievable. He wasn't angry, but so so sad, and I feel guilty and ungrateful. Not to mention exhausted. I've lost a stone in weight and still can't eat. I'm wondering if I have done the right thing. But everyone deserves to be loved 100% don't they. He loves me 100%, I thought that was enough. I didn't realise that by not loving him as much a gap would appear. A small gap, to begin with, but as we got comfortable it grew. I've been so scared of loving that much that I allowed myself to take the security of his love without realising that it would be so out of balance that ultimately it can't survive. I can't express enough what a wonderful man he is. I hope I don't regret it. The only reassurance I get is imagining having sex with him and knowing how I didn't find him attractive or want to do it. Doesn't help that much because it makes me feel shallow to say I wasn't attracted to him. But I'm trying to finally be honest with myself. 7 years ago
    • Scared Splitless Your story is so similar to mine, except I haven't met anyone. Sometimes I feel like my heart is just a dead lump that can only love my son. Until my son was born, I didn't experience true love, but my love for him is the realest, rawest thing I've ever felt. But as for the beginning of your story... My experience EXACTLY. I started drinking after we got married, just to tolerate everything. I love my husband and care deeply for him, but he's definitely not my soulmate. We are not sexually, emotionally, or intellectually compatible. I feel more lonely when he's around, and much happier when I'm doing stuff alone. I often fantasize about meeting my soulmate. (I met my husband at 19, married at 21, and am now 28 with one child together.) I was such a child back then and didn't know what I wanted! It's like he just stopped maturing when he was 26 (he's 4 years older), while I keep growing and changing. If I was single and met him now, I wouldn't even give him my number. I now know exactly what I want in a partner, and he's just not it, unfortunately. :( 7 years ago
    • isabel1 wow, its amazing to hear another person read your heart back to you. I'm glad you found the love of your life, if you hadn't it would make it harder to leave. And your husband is hearbroken, but he would have been more heartbroken living a lie. Let us know if you find peace! 7 years ago
      • TIMBUKTU yes i want to hear how this goes....... 7 years ago
        • Crazychef So nice to hear from people on here in similar situations. I hope everyone on here is piecing it together and finding their way. 23 days into the split and I'm feeling so much better. I know I have done the right thing. It's so hard to tell, immediately after, because I felt so guilty...the guilt alone was enough to make me doubt my decision. There was also the scary feeling of starting over. The life we had built together, the house, all our plans...suddenly I'm back at square one again. And I'm broke, and everything is uncertain. But...I have realised that I'd rather have an uncertain future than one which was certainly wrong. I feel free because I don't have to act and pretend anymore. I feel like I am finally being my true self, which is also scary, but it's ok to be scared, and nervous, and maybe sometimes you gotta sit tight and ride that out. Because also...and I feel bad saying it when I know my now-ex is in 'our' home wondering what the hell has happened and probably hating me .... but I am happy. I was never the big romantic soul who believed in true love and was terrified by my feelings but it is worth ten, twenty, a hundred, a million times over. Because once a bit of space appeared, and I was able to let go of some of the guilt, the biggest feeling of love overcame me, and I'm in a constant state of ' this is how it should did I get it so wrong.' I read recently 'Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives meaning' and ain't that the truth. There is still the mess of divorce yet to come. I'm still living out of suitcases. I don't have a car anymore, or my passport, and my own surname confuses me now because it suddenly sounds wrong to be Mrs etc. But I am with the person I should be with. And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't change the fact that I shouldn't be with my husband. Ffs we only live once. Aim big. Don't settle. Take tiny steps or huge ones, but keep moving forwards. Never, ever get stuck. I should have left a year ago. But I won't regret that, because I did leave, and left a good man, because when it's right it feels right and when it's god does it feel wrong. You're not a bitch or a bastard for wanting to be happy. 7 years ago
    • Horridwife It is so nice to know that there are others out there who have the exact same feelings I do. I don't have anyone on the other end. Nor do I want to have anyone else. I want to be alone. I want to grow by myself. I started dating my husband at 21 - we have known each other since I was 13. Like others, I felt like I have continued to grow and he has not. I don't care if misery is on the other side of this marriage. I just want out, because as you all, I have never been physically attracted to him. It hurts so bad to hurt him, but I keep thinking how much worse it would be if I just kept pretending everything was okay. 7 years ago
    • crossreeds Wow, i am amazed to see so many others going through this type of situation also - i have felt so alone...and so guilty for recognizing/finally facing my true feelings about my husband and marriage. It has been gut-wrenching, and i am still not completely certain about what I'm going to do. I too never really thought that "soulmate" /passion/sex/in love stuff was really important...maybe a part of me believed i wasn't worthy of having that. I had experienced a glimpse with my high school/college BF only to have my heart completely broken....i think that contributed heavily to my choosing of someone "safe" to marry...someone whom i knew loved me and that i could trust without a shadow of a doubt. Now i am having to face the karma, if you will...of this choice. I met someone/my match....we began as friends...then a relationship earlier this year and it all made sense...probably had been a long-train coming...i was was no longer able to run from myself/distract myself into thinking everything was alright....that i could continue to just "get by" and remain content in my marriage. My husband is an exceptional man-really doesn't get any better than him. Tears in my eyes as i type this. We have built a good life together...have traveled...had a lot of fun times....but i am now painfully aware of what is missing and unsure if i can go on in a marriage based on friendship...after experiencing something SO much deeper in terms of connection. Even though i know the right thing to do is pursue a trial separation to start, I am absolutely terrified of hurting my husband....He doesn't deserve to hurt over this....but it is also painful to be going behind his back. It's not fair either way. How do you tell the man who loves you more than anything that you aren't attracted to him? What do you say?.... That you just need time to find yourself? I don't know that i can tell him the honest truth.... 5 years ago
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