I've been faking since the beginning. I don't just mean sexually - although that is also true - but I mean I've realised that from day one, I haven't really been feeling the things I've been displaying. I think I've done it my whole adult life, to try to keep my emotions under control, to avoid getting hurt, to find some sense of peace. I think I almost succeeded,
I've been married 5 years. There were some signs - gut feeling, I've always ignored it - that something was wrong. I remember being sort of confused the first time we had sex, because I wasn't attracted to him but was enjoying the sex, basically because it was sex with someone new. When he told me he loved me, I said it back. When he smiled, I smiled back. I didn't mean to by lying, it's only now I can see I didn't really...really...feel it. There were certain things I wanted like marriage and a house. This good and lovely man worked so we could have them. On our wedding day I felt happy. I don't think I faked that.
Then bam. The sort of love I never believed in happened. All that soulmate and 'meant to be' stuff. I fell in love 8 months ago, to someone who loves me back. We have not done anything physical, and the whole time I have been trying to make it go away. But I learnt that there is no such thing as 'trying'. When someone is trying, they are lying. I told my husband last week, and he said I should have tried harder. I know it is hell for him, but the strain of trying - of trying to shut down love, hide it, deny it, refocus, have sex, be happy, make plans, talk - was such a hard act (on top of all the other acting) that it made me ill. I was drinking just to try to feel normal, although I don't know what that means now. I have learnt that I have never felt true love before. And that acting happy is not the same as being happy. And now my husband wants me to come back and keep trying, and he's so broken I feel I would do anything to ease his pain, in fact his pain is so severe I can't think straight. All I know is I love and want something else, and that the past has been life through a lense...not real. Because wow, it is true, real love changes everything. But it would be so easy to go back, end my husband's pain, go back into the old routine. All the while heartbroken for someone else