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Newyorknative
My man has been having impotence issues for the past 2 years. It's affecting the marriage so much so that we never have sex and he doesn't want to take anything because he feels he is a failure as a man to even take something. He blames me for his unhappiness and has disconnected. He is civil day to day, but every time we talk about the marriage he blames me and wants a break. I have tried everything to make him feel like a man but I am at a loss. I try and dress sexy, ask him what his fantasies are, I'm physically in good shape and he tells me it's not that he's not attracted to me but he's convinced the ability will never come back. He knows he needs help but always finds some excuse not to go, cost, he doesn't like the person or that he is too busy. It's like he doesn't want to fix it. I just need a mans perspective on this.
10 years ago * 9 replies
User reported
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Funnybout Issues in the bedroom are tricky, and they often are not about sex but about what is happening in the relationship. From a guy's perspective I hear several things in your description of the situation. I assume you have ruled out physical issues like medications he is taking that affect performance. Anti depressants and cardiac medications can be a problem. If not, the. There is probably something more emotional going on and it probably doesn't help that you are both looking at this as HIS problem. When I was having issues it really came down to anxiety about the relationship in all respects. When I started seeking a relationship that was comforting, rather than anxiety provoking, the issue seemed to resolve. If he is avoiding sex and asking for a break, he seems to be telling you that there is something about this relationship that is troubling him. When you say you've done everything to "make him feel like a man" it tells me that you might be bringing some issues of your own to the party. It's possible that the two of you have fallen into a dynamic where he doesn't feel like he can be what you want him to be... In every respect. That might explain his desire for a break as well. I could be totally off base, but that is what I am hearing from your description. In any event, if you want to have a chance of solving this issue within your relationship instead of breaking up, you both need to stop defining this as his issue and recognize that there is a blockage I n how you relate to each other that is blocking you from enjoying each other in bed. It may not be an easy discussion and you both might have some trouble approaching it honestly, but if you both think the relationship is worth saving then it will be worth it. But you both might need to start by shedding the tired story that so many of us have been trained to carry around with us. "A real man knows how to take care of business in the bedroom". "A real woman knows how to inspire lust in her man". It's all baloney. He is not responsible for your sexual fulfillment and you are not responsible for his. maybe if you a can change the story and start focusing on listening to each other without fear and judgement you can find your way back to a relationship without expectations where the communication (emotional, intellectual and physical) is not blocked. That's my two cents... And I feel like I got way too preachy without knowing enough about your situation. Hope I wasn't too far off base. 10 years ago User reported
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brooklynblue thank you @funnybout, killer feedback, helpful to read and i am not even the OP (original poster). 10 years ago User reported
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Newyorknative Thank you Funnybout. What you say does make a lot of sense. It's hard to navigate and really know how to approach, even with what you are suggesting. I think had I gotten this advice a year ago maybe we could have those kind of conversations, although he doesn't want to talk about it at all because I think he feel if he talks about it then it' real. So he rather sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist. He has admitted he is ok to never have sex again. I can't believe that is true but that certainly doesn't make me happy. I finally feel good in my skin and feel very sexual and want to have sex with my husband. It's hard to be patient with someone who doesn't see the urgency to fix the problem. I realize he needs to come to fixing the issue on his won and I just need to be patient I guess. He is definitely eating more and gaining weight to burry his pain. I worry and am at a loss at how to stop this downward spiral I see him going down. 10 years ago User reported
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howamihere great points in feedback from @funnybout… however, i worry for you newyorknative- your self esteem and needs are important too. while being willing to get to the root of the problem together, don't lose the perspective of how much you and your happiness matter…. i'm sure you are beautiful inside and out... and your patience and compassion while trying to work through this are admirable 10 years ago User reported
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Funnybout I totally agree with @howamihere. Keeping sight of your happiness is key in almost everything. Where we get in trouble is when we allow our happiness to be dependent on the actions of someone else. 10 years ago User reported
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mwaters It sounds like a classic case of having to let go. Easier said than done, I know. But the only person who can help him is himself. 10 years ago User reported
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Newyorknative Thank you Funnybout. What you say does make a lot of sense. It's hard to navigate and really know how to approach, even with what you are suggesting. I think had I gotten this advice a year ago maybe we could have those kind of conversations, although he doesn't want to talk about it at all because I think he feel if he talks about it then it' real. So he rather sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist. He has admitted he is ok to never have sex again. I can't believe that is true but that certainly doesn't make me happy. I finally feel good in my skin and feel very sexual and want to have sex with my husband. It's hard to be patient with someone who doesn't see the urgency to fix the problem. I realize he needs to come to fixing the issue on his won and I just need to be patient I guess. He is definitely eating more and gaining weight to burry his pain. I worry and am at a loss at how to stop this downward spiral I see him going down. 10 years ago User reported
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REASONPASSION I used to sell vitamin supplements. One day I had a younger man come in and ask, rather sheepishly and only with me since the other salesperson was a woman, where he could get some "male enhancement pills." Since I'm a firm believer in the reciprocal relationship between mind and body, I asked him, after going off to the side to give him some privacy, why he thinks he needed it, given he was clearly young and in good shape. He said he was having problems performing for his gf. I then inquired about his life and he gave a rather full story of working 70 hour weeks and attempting school, etc. I told him I didn't think he needed pills and instead suggested that some evening he had alone with his gf, to draw a bath and simply enjoy being with one another, without focusing on the need for sex. A few days later he came back with the biggest grin on his face, telling me "dude, it worked!" All this to say, I'm curious if your husband has seen a doctor. There are any number of physiological issues that can lead to impotency, from low testosterone to blood pressure problems. Men can go through their own version of menopause and the effects on sexuality can be rather startling, particularly in our society of equating masculinity with hyper-sexuality. 9 years ago User reported
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LOSTGIRL New York native. I am not a professional, but your post definitely hit an alarm button. It sounds like a problem I have been through with my ex. Diabetes turned out to be one of his problems, but the main one, was low testosterone. Weight gain, problems in bed, depression, sleepiness, loss of enjoyment in things he loved. Temperament- oh holy cow, he was like a woman with PMS! If he realizes that it's a physical problem that is very VERY common, and can cause heart disease and other ailments if not taken care of, he might be much more willing to see a doctor. Good luck. Let me know how it goes. 9 years ago User reported
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