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  • PERILIOUSBEHAVIOR My wife and I have been in couples counseling for about six months now. Last night we had another fight and she told she's willing to give counseling another six months. If we haven't figured things out by then she says she is going to want to call it quits. I'm trying to figure out whether the situation is hopeless. She hasn't worked full-time since our youngest was born, almost eight years ago, and much of our conflict has to do with the fact that she has unilaterally decided to work part-time. I have been encouraging her to work full-time, since money is super tight. I am basically working two jobs and she doesn't seem to feel like she should work more. There's also issues with addiction... 9 years ago   *   11 replies
    • 12345 @PERILOUSBEHAVIOR. i feel your pain! i would say, focus on the addiction, 1st things 1st.... addicted to what? does her family know and/or care? would they participate in an intervention with you ? the problem is never just the other person. what's going on with YOU? how do YOU feel? 9 years ago
    • SVONE addiction is a family disease and chances are it's affecting all of you. it sounds like she is under-functioning and you are over-functioning which us unsustainable. is she doing awesome stuff at home with the kids? is it a huge bonus for your family to have her at home? 9 years ago
    • PERILIOUSBEHAVIOR The addiction is mostly pot and shopping, which is a problem because we don't have any money partially because she's staying home. Not doing awesome stuff for the kids (though more since we started couples therapy). I'm certainly over-functioning, basically working two jobs to make ends meet... 9 years ago
      • Boogie Smoking weed will destroy one's motivation. No wonder she doesn't want to do shit. 9 years ago
    • SOCAL GAL I stay at home too, but if my husband really wanted to me to work, I would. I do also like to shop, but I suppose if there wasn't any money, then I couldn't. My husband says it's too late for therapy, but he hasn't even tried yet. How could someone be done with a marriage when they haven't even tried? My husband is addicted to pain pills. He has brought a lot of grief to the marriage and yet I still want to stay together. How can he blame for me for my reactions to his drug use and lies? I am so lost. He is the one that wants to be done. I don't know how to react. 9 years ago
      • PERILIOUSBEHAVIOR @Social Gal, sorry to hear that your husband won't try therapy. I won't say that it's working for us, in part because I don't know what working means exactly, but it has been a positive experience in that it has clarified some of our problematic patterns of behavior. Blaming you for your reactions to the drug use and lies is part of the addictive behavior. I've gone through it and been called "controlling" (and much worse) simply because I've put my foot down around sobriety. @12345 As for how I'm feeling... Hard to say... We had a good day today so I'm feeling pretty good. Yesterday she was pretty out of control and yet I managed to have a good day because I decided to focus on all of the wonderful things in my life outside of my relationship with her (kids, beautiful autumn weather, amazing friends, interesting and meaningful work, etc.). 9 years ago
    • SOCAL GAL I guess I never thought of it being his addictive behavior. It is just so frustrating. I put my foot down and now I think he resents me for it. I feel like no matter what I can't trust him now. He never told me, I found out on my own. If the trust is gone, is there really anything worth working on? I hope the therapy turns it around for you. At least you both are willing to try. 9 years ago
      • PERILIOUSBEHAVIOR I definitely struggle with the trust issue. Even when things are going well I find myself wondering when will the other shoe drop? What is she hiding? Sometimes the answer is nothing... Have you looked in Al Anon? I've never done it myself but I've heard good things. 9 years ago
    • dynamic That semi-traditional attitude. My friend who is getting divorced right now dealt with that same thing. Consoling is not the solution in my opinion. Money issues need money solutions (because consoling money when I last checked). Money is tight, cut back on EVERYTHING. As men, we tend to try to force our way, but if we learn to take a page from women, we can get a lot more accomplished. The real questions is, if money was not an issue, would you still have issues in your relationship? If it is just the money then, start selling things. Start looking for a cheaper house/apt/condo. Lower your standard of living until you are not so tight with money. If she will only work part-time, don't fight her, it's her decision (though selfish, but you married her). Get a budget and start the process. Watch the change. With all that said, I don't believe money is ever a real concern with relationships. Yes, it's a major issue, but if you truly love that person, then separate accounts and split up assets to reduce unneeded stress on your relationship. What one may find out is that different money philosophies are just a symptom of incompatibility issues that are being ignored to match how a relationship "should be" in your head that you've been programmed to believe based on...well not much. 9 years ago
    • Stuckinla Where are things now? 7 years ago
      • PERILIOUSBEHAVIOR I moved out after her third drug related hospitalization and took our nine-year-old with me. It was clear that things weren't going to change unless I took action. I'm so much happier and my son is doing really well. My wife, we're still married, has gotten sober and gone back to working full-time. She wants to get back together but I'm pretty ready to move from separation to divorce. I've even started dating a little. Nothing serious but it's been good to meet other people. 7 years ago
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