- hairymary Similar confusing situation to most on here. I've been married twice. The first ended- and for logical reasons so trying not to compare...This second marriage feels more like a room-mate relationship with "benefits" Sexual benefits for him, and I get to have a roof over my head and take care of my special needs child. I feel immensely guilty for staying too long to begin with and for basically convincing him to propose when I was pregnant and apparently having a nervous break down lol. To this day he admits he wouldn't have proposed if I hadn't guilted him into it...but he doesn't regret it supposedly. I do. I think he doesn't regret it because he was raised differently. We used to argue about how I didn't want to become his mother and father and he'd defensively ask why. After two decades of a mostly empty marriage they are divorcing. Anyway-I wanted to leave the relationship before I got pregnant and felt seriously obligated to have sex and stay because we had spent years in a relationship and I didn't know if I was being too picky in what a good relationship looks like. He didn't cheat as far as I knew...he didn't abuse me. But he did neglect me and lie to me, and looking back I should've left based on that alone. Plus quickly declining passion and lack of closeness. But I became pregnant and decided to keep the baby. Everyone in the family made promises they couldn't keep about helping watch the baby for me to go to work and etc. He had proposed without a ring (still never bought one- his aunt gave one to borrow and it's still all I have lol), didn't get down on a knee, didn't say much. I said yes like a robot. False promises made about a wedding and reception. He held off the wedding until I was supposed to be on pregnancy bedrest and had to rush behind him at the legal building where we got married (he even ignored me on the alter then almost didn't complete his vows). Reception at Burger King (no JOKE), even though I was pregnant and couldn't stomach most the food there. I cried alone that night as his guy friends played video games for hours. The relationship sucked most during the pregnancy and not because of sex. That was the only area that was passable ironically and I started imagining someone else almost every time. I couldn't find a job when I was pregnant though I looked despite constant fatigue and throwing up all along my bus route to and from interviews. Now I have even less job xp/more time lost due to being the only caretaker for our special needs child that can hardly communicate. I don't even fully trust what would happen if my husband had custody at all because he can still be very irresponsible when it comes to safety and will go days of getting lost in video games rather than family time. I don't want him to not see the kid- I wish he was more involved. This has been a problem with him since forever.He always says how he has spent most his days since middle school playing video games and only does more active things I like to do once or twice a year with tons of coaxing and probably a poor attitude when there. I long for a different life, independence, and yet I have no clue how to do this. He was in terrible debt I didn't know about and I let him use my credit cards when we randomly would run out of money- he kept it very secret as I wasn't the one earning it. Now my credit is worse than his and he has been putting off filing bankruptcy as I've said we need for years. We get disability money for my child but it's nowhere near enough to hiring a qualified (let alone general) babysitter for me to go to work. I don't want more debt from school yet with constant appointments for my child and having a car that sporadically works/ doesn't...it'd be pointless to try an on-campus school. Do I need to just wait years until my child is full time in school or what?! I want to start counseling but he already resists the idea (and tbh we maybe couldn't afford it but once every 3 months) and I'm running out of energy to even care about the relationship. I've "given up" so many times already and feel so numb, I don't see why I should try most the time. The closest we feel is like brother/sister or like just a friend, sometimes like we are strangers. I feel guilty and the cycle continues. Please help, and thank you!!!!