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  • TDOG terrified i left a "good man" that loved me, and will be all alone.... punished..... i left because although he is a good man, i was never truly in love with him or attracted to him. and i tried EVERYTHING.. 8 years ago   *   21 replies
    • brooklynblue it's so so so so so hard to leave a situation that is "okay" but not your truth. i get it. 8 years ago
    • RAN You made the right decision. 8 years ago
    • want2bhappy Trust your decision. You deserve the best in life, to be in love and loved. Both emotionally and physically. 8 years ago
    • chloe Oh boy, TDOG, can I relate. When things aren't "horrible" it's torture to make the decision to go for something better, especially if your partner is trying to convince you that things are good. I'm in your shoes exactly and after months of agonizing finally making the split. It's awful. For me it had to get to the point where I realized my misery over not being able to connect with him the way I - and he - wants was worse than the fear of being alone. But it's still so sucky and I still question myself daily. Hang in there and know you're not alone. I do think we have a cosmic duty to be true to ourselves. For some corny reason I kept having the phrase "the truth shall set you free" going through my head last week. 8 years ago
      • TDOG yes!!! someone also said to me "rising tides raise all ships".... which helps too... i think culturally we hear a lot of messaging about "the one" and how scarce love is..... which isn't true. 8 years ago
      • magnolia thank you for this. 8 years ago
    • magnolia yes. this is where i feel i am 8 years ago
    • chloe tdog, how do you feel about all this now? Your comment is where I am and it's so scary. Papers haven't been filed yet and I'm finding it really hard to keep pushing through these steps with him doubting my decision and me doubting my decision. I'm also afraid that what's "attractive" to me is the bad stuff - that part of why I'm not attracted to my husband is that he's too "safe." Have you found that dating has validated your decision? I've never experienced what it is I really want - passion and emotional intimacy and commitment all in one person and I get scared that it's a pipe dream. 8 years ago
      • TDOG oh @CHLOE!!! sorry for the delay... i missed this..... it's been 4 1/2 years since i physically moved out of my home with my ex-h and have been on my own. thankfully make enough money to support my self and 50% of the kids. i dated for awhile, and then i fell in love with someone and was with him for 3 years. it was a very turbulent/passionate relationship - the opposite of my marriage - and it's been over for 6months now. when i left my marriage, it wasnt so much to "find something else" but to experience myself as a whole adult in this world.... which is what i am doing right now. i do believe that when i am right with myself - a relationship with the right combination of passion/comfort will arrive. but as long as i am looking for someone else to proved that - it will elude me. that much i know is true. i don't know what your story was before you got married but i was very "lost" and my husband provided me with a lot of security and safety which isn't the right foundation for long-term partnership for me. it's kinda like i needed to "grow up" and go out on my own to lear who I really am. make sense ? bottom line - making it about ME and not about the person i am looking for really helps. 8 years ago
      • TDOG it took me a really long time to get thru the corrosive self-doubt. 8 years ago
      • KnoxGirl Hi @CHLOE I wanted to check in with you to see how this all planned out for you. I am in a very similar situation with two small children (5 and 2). This man is sweet, loving and kind but I never really felt that strong sense of love /attraction for him. It’s all so so sad. Any advice is much appreciated. 6 years ago
        • chloe Hi @Knoxgirl, it's funny, I haven't been on this site for a long time, but now reading through this thread again, I can say that I could almost write TDOG's last response word for word. I also have been in a post-divorce relationship for about 2 years that I've been trying to extricate myself from for many months, but it's been very up and down. Ultimately he's not who I need long-term, but with him, it's like I got this huge infusion of vitamins I had been missing - to be with someone with whom I have total chemistry, and there's love and affection and fun and lots of amazing sex. I do have to say that after getting more distance from my marriage, I can realize with more clarity that even the "good" parts weren't as great as I thought they were. I was not capable of living my own truth at the time, and part of that is just going through the motions with all kinds of stuff. When you're in the midst of parting, all you can feel is the pain and the doubt, but I can almost guarantee that if that lack of love/lust is there, there's more under the surface that you're just beginning to excavate. Be true to you! A couple of years out, I do NOT regret getting divorced. I am ok, my ex is ok (I felt tremendous guilt about hurting him), and my kids are ok. The process is so painful but we can come out the other side and life goes on, and it really can be the best thing for everyone, despite the pain. I still feel sad sometimes - hell, I cried yesterday when I heard our wedding "first dance" song come on Pandora - it's been a long time since I've shed those kind of tears. But I think like the death of a person, the death of a marriage is something you don't ever really get "over" - you just learn to live with that loss, and in time it gets easier, and life can be richer and better and happier, but that doesn't ever totally take away that loss. I feel like this is rambling...hopefully making a little sense. Like TDOG, I am now at a point where I am more focused on becoming a whole person myself. I still really want to find another relationship but I know that in order to do that I have to be fully me and feel good in that. I've made so much progress and I know it's there. That's what I keep moving towards. Feel free to message again if you want. The process can be so lonely...I know at the time I was just dying for someone who understood what I was feeling...sending you a big hug!!! 6 years ago
          • KnoxGirl Hi again:) thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate all your feedback in this post. I am so caught in limbo here. I love this man and the life we created but I know there has always been something missing. Because of that I have tried to “fix” my feelings by trying to change him...different clothes, hair, all these silly desperate attempts to make up for my feelings. I told him how I was feeling a few days ago and everything felt like it was crumbling around me so I have backed off. Did you go through a lot of back and forth before you decided? Do you ever regret it now? This man is so sweet and good to me and our boys. It’s kikking me:( 6 years ago
            • chloe @Knoxgirl - I'm so sorry. Yes, the process is so incredibly stressful, especially when it feels like it's all on you, because you're the one who "wants" this change. Of course, no one really wants it. Yes, I went through tons of back and forth. I felt crazy for contemplating upending my life when things were "fine." There were months and months of stress and uncertainty, and anxiety. I couldn't eat and lost 20 pounds. It was awful. That was what ended up finally helping me make the decision, was that I was just literally sick. I moved out at one point - we decided to separate - and that gave me some peace, having my own space to rest and think and just be away from him and the constant guilt and sadness. But it was also so sad being separated, mainly because of missing the family and life we had. I convinced myself that it had all been a mistake, told him I wanted to make it work, moved back in, sublet the apartment I had just rented, sold all the furniture and stuff I had bought. And then within a few weeks of moving back in I knew it was a mistake. And then I moved back out again within a month. So...yeah...there was some back and forth!!!! My main "advice" is to be gentle with yourself, do whatever you can right now to carve out some space and time for yourself. Maybe that's going away by yourself for a weekend, or even just overnight. Maybe it's getting to the gym regularly. Or doing yoga or meditating, or whatever. Just as much self-care and quiet space as you can muster for yourself. Find a good therapist if you don't already have one. No matter what your ultimate decision is, this process can be excruciating. It will get better, eventually. One way or another you will see your way through to the other side. But as one of my best friends said when I was agonizing about what to do, "This is your LIFE! You have to do what's right for you." I do believe that trying to figure out how to be true to yourself is the best thing you can do. If you decide to leave, yes, you may hurt him in the short run, but if you were in his shoes, would you want to be with someone who doesn't fully want to be with you? It can be cruel to hang on, too. The question is, what's missing for you, and is there any way to ever get it in this relationship? One thing our couples therapist told me was that if we had chemistry in the beginning and then it disappeared, we could get it back. But that if it had been missing from the beginning, it probably wouldn't ever happen. Again, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this hurt!!! Please be kind to yourself. You deserve happiness and love! 6 years ago
            • KnoxGirl @chloe thank you so so much for your kind words and taking the time to reach out to me. You sound so much like me it’s scary. Not eating, feeling guilty/crazy all the time and trying to make my feelings all my fault. I will take your advice and try to slow down until I can calmly decide one way or another what is best. If you don’t mind me asking, how old were your kids when you left? Mine are 5 and almost 2; I worry so much about my two year old spending time away from me if we were to separate. He is definitely a mommy’s boy and would have a hard time with Dad/not with me.It makes it so so hard. Also my parents love my husband and would not support/understand me leaving. This feels impossible. I tried to express how I felt last week and the reality of leaving made me back peddle/tell my husband I was just experiencing anxiety/ didn’t want to loose us. I wish that part was my only truth but I’m not sure it is. Yuck. 6 years ago
            • chloe @knoxville - My kids were about the same age - 6 and 3. My son was 3 and he too is a mama’s boy, in the best sense. I’m not gonna lie, that part was and is very hard. But I do think my kids are both doing really well now. One thing I would change if I could do it again is I would push to ease into a 50/50 schedule slowly. I was home pretty much full time with my kids and they went from that to me working FT and having them half the time. That was a big adjustment. I wish we had eased into that custody schedule so it would be a less abrupt change for the kids. Btw my mom was not supportive either. She didn’t get it and she was scared for me, I think. Fortunately I had very supportive friends. I wish there was a way to exchange info rather than message through the site. I’d be glad to text offline 6 years ago
            • KnoxGirl @chloe thank you so much for all your feedback and support ❤️ I am trying to take some time to figure out what I really want and I am getting into therapy to address some of my own issues first. I will definitely be back in touch depending on what I decide. Thank you again for everything. 6 years ago
            • 2bhonest Following this thread, in the same situation, and am grateful for this site to have a space to air out these thoughts/concerns/doubts, and to not feel alone and drive myself crazy!! I've just started reading the book, "too good to leave, too bad to stay" and it's amazing, its like my inner voice is speaking directly to me, guiding me, word for word. I'm wondering for those who've made the split, how much of my feelings do I share? My main issue is that I do not have chemistry with my husband (of 10 years), it was always 'manufactured' from the start. There were points in my marriage where I thought our mental/emotional connection were enough to create some form of chemistry, but now I want the real thing. I am ready to have the talk with him about splitting, but I want to do so in a compassionate way. I fear telling him that I am not attracted to him will bruise his ego. Do I need to be concerned with that if its my truth? Not sure just how honest to be with him, but feel I owe it to him to be forthcoming, and answer any questions he may have to be clear. Any advise is appreciated. 6 years ago
            • crossreeds RIGHT THERE with you on this, 2BHonest!! Would love an update on your situation. I am struggling with the exact same issue. Only difference is that it (most unfortunately) took me becoming involved with another to fully realize/come to grips with my lack of attraction for my husband. He is a wonderful husband to me, has been good to me since day one...outstanding man in so many ways...pure heart and i know i can trust him with my life. We've created a good life together over the past 10 years married ( and 13 years together)....we have fun together, have traveled all over, have financial means, he has a great family, etc...BUT our marriage is basically sexless/there has always been something missing for me from the start.....i too told myself that it was shallow/superficial to be concerned with chemistry/attraction and passion/sex. He was/is nearly perfect on paper after all. But over the years, i think I've grown colder and more resentful due to my lack of attraction/desire to be physically intimate with him (any more than just cuddling/hugging).....and i just don't know if i can go on the rest of my life in a marriage lacking those things. What did you decide/how did you handle tackling this/talking to him?? I am beginning to prepare myself, should that day come........I am like you-- i am absolutely terrified of hurting him (i'm not in love with him, but DO love him dearly and am very attached).....and i just don't know how on earth i could tell him that he has done nothing wrong-i am just not attracted to him. Very curious on how to handle this. 5 years ago
    • Traveler I realize this thread is pretty old, but it was really helpful to me. Leaving when things are "okay" seems like I must be crazy or wrong. It's amazing to hear that I'm not alone; that others are out there and have gotten past this point. I'm in a similar boat. 10 years, 2 kids. I love my Husband dearly, but we're missing something truly fundamental. I can't keep explaining something to him something he will never understand. It's like he's a fish and I'm trying to explain why I need the wind in my face. I actually have a strong sexual attraction to him, but I think that has been a detriment because it has allowed us to distract ourselves from what's not there. Feeling empty and lonely? Let's f&*#! We've done everything - marriage counseling, date nights, relationship books and articles, a couples retreat, etc. etc. It always comes back to me feeling lonely. This has been going on for more than 5 years. I finally told him I wanted to separate. He wants to "work on it". Again. I can't go through that pain another time. I want to be free. It breaks my heart because I love our family. We are great partners at raising our kids. I can't imagine only seeing them 50% of the time. But it's time. 4 years ago
      • crossreeds Hi Traveler! I hate that this site has turned into a "spell caster' advertisement board, but i come back on from time to time to read comments. I just read yours and i know how you feel. I posted in regard to my situation a while back and have too found some helpful info/advice on here. My situation is a little different in that i have never been physically attracted to or had romantic feelings with my husband...and have a sexless marriage. I know i have either the option to settle for what is (that this very well may always be just a friendship based marriage) or leave ...take the risk...and open myself up to the opportunity to meet someone who i do feel a romantic connection with. Most days i feel that i should go...and i am working on readying myself to do so in the next few months, if i can bring myself to pull the trigger. He is such a good man...i have agonized over this for nearly two years. It's so hard. It seems like you have tried pretty much everything you could to remedy/save the marriage. kudos to you for that. It sounds like mostly a lack of emotional connection for you....which can also make things very difficult. That was the issue the man i was involved with (for a time) was/is having in his marriage. Loooong long term marriage, but he just felt like he could never really be himself with her and she was very controlling. This seemed to really play a role in his ability to emotionally connect with her. Now he doesn't know if he can ever leave due to a health issue she began having about 5 months ago. Be glad you have the option to go, should that be what you feel you need to do. Listen to your inner will urge you down the right path. Wishing you the best! 4 years ago
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