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  • splitter truth: i have never really been attracted to my husband. i just love him because he is a good man who loves me. but i have never truly felt like i wanted to fuck him. we have 2 amazing little kids but i have to force myself to have sex. 9 years ago   *   27 replies
    • RAN Thanks for sharing, splitter. That can be a tough road to hoe. Especially if one of you finds themselves attracted to somebody else... 9 years ago
      • splitter Yep. That's the issue... Can't see how marriage can be viable under these circumstances. 9 years ago
        • RAN Worried for you that missing sex and passion eventually spills over into diminishing affection. Less fun, less humor. Less effort to think of fun things to do with one another. Does he sense that you're just going through the motions, physically? 9 years ago
          • splitter YES! it's awful. i dont want to hurt him by saying directly " i am not attracted to you" but that is exactly what is happening and i am hurting him MORE by not telling him the truth and letting him live in this awful ambiguity. it was never there... married for emotional reasons, passion just wasnt important at the time, which of course i didnt know!!! oh hindsight.... 9 years ago
    • ZOEYCAPRI Wow, I feel like I hearing myself speak when I read this. Same exact boat--greatest guy, great dad but no chemistry and it has snowballed over the course of 12 years and 3 kids into total emotional disconnect for me. I'm in the process of a divorce as we speak. Hardest thing I've ever had to do but can't live like this anymore. It's torture and unfair to everyone involved. 9 years ago
      • LOVEISCRAZY this was me too. STILL feel guilty and my ex is STILL really sad that we are divorced. he didnt want it and still doesnt. 9 years ago
        • ZOEYCAPRI LOVEISCRAZY- what gave you the courage to huger through it? So Glad to feel like im not alone in this. Would be easier if he were mean, abusive, cheating but none of the above. It's like being married to my brother. While you still feel guilty, are you regretful? How long have you been divorced? 9 years ago
          • Splitsies I had the revelation that I couldn't continue to make myself have sex with someone I didn't want to have sex with and my therapist helped me see that being repulsed by your partner's body isn't a viable aspect to a marriage. Sadly this was a revelation to me, I always thought I could get past my issues with his physicality but I was kidding myself. Anyway... For 2 years after that revelation in therapy, I tried to make it work. I also spent a lot of time trying to explain to him that I just needed time in the world as an unmarried person. That I needed time to explore my sexuality unencumbered by marital monogamy for awhile and he just couldn't understand this. He wAs very very hurt and did NOT want to get divorced. During the fine I was battling an attraction to someone else which didn't help matters. I kept telling my husband that I loved him and cared about him and respected him but that I just didn't want to be married and I didn't want to be in a sexual relationship with him any longer. He kept imploring me to look at why I was so shit down sexually etc... But I wasn't shut down sexually, I iust didn't, and never really had, felt sexual towards him. People ask, why did you marry him then? And the honest answer is that I was immature and didn't know myself. I didn't know who I was as a woman and a sexual being. I just did what I had always done with boyfriends which is have sex with them when they wanted it and pretend to enjoy it much more than I did. Sex was never about me so I had Zero experience knowing what I liked so when my ex-husband fell in love with me- it felt amazing- and I fell in love with him too because I felt so safe and cared for.... And that felt great hen because that is what I needed... 10 years later, I had developed much more and my erotic impulse was more alive as I became a healthier person- and it led me to want to be with other people etc. some people might not understand what it's like to feel like your sexual self has to die in order to be with your husband and family in a traditional family structure. But hopefully we are moving toward a world where sexuality and family and marriage can co-exist in healthier ways. 9 years ago
            • KATEst Hey :) I know it's a long shot and it's been 4 years. But you described my situation to a T, and I am so scared and don't know what to do. Have you managed to find a place where you had it all? I am just so afraid that I will ruin my marriage only to find out that all of them are the same. I would really appreciate if you answer :( feel so stuck, horrible and afraid. 5 years ago
            • Waffling @Katest, this is also me to a T and it's all just come to a head this week. Would love to chat with you about where you're at in all this. 4 years ago
            • Carma I am in exactly same situation. I really need help and would like to talk to people who have more experience. I also really like to know where @SPLITSIES is at the moment. 4 years ago
      • RAN Well, I hear you both. Love life died, but we still got along great, enjoyed the kids. But outside attraction spoiled even that. Now we're divorcing, she's half-moved in with her boyfriend, I'm sad. Have you all done counseling? I know it seems like a long shot, cause how will a counselor alchemize some fresh chemistry out of nowhere, but it may help with the communication, may give you strength to move on, may ease the letdown, or who knows -- a new spark may be struck. Or at least individual counseling. I would not have survived without family, friends, therapy to talk to on a daily basis. 9 years ago
      • TIMBUKTU Same situ here. There is this pervasive idea in our culture that it's ONLY ok to leave a marriage if there is abuse or addiction. However it's self-abide to feel like you need to give up parts of yourself to be with someone. 9 years ago
    • musicgirlcali I so relate to this. 9 Years into our marriage with 6 year old twins that have drained us emotionally. Sex was never our thing. But, now that the kiddies are less high maintenance I want more. He just doesn't fit that part of my life and honesty I don't think I do it for him either. Glad everyone chimed in how unhealthy it is to stay when all it is doing is prolonging the inevitable . My marriage without sex is dead! Absolutely. No reason to hang in there any longer. Need to pull the band aid off, out my foot down and file for divorce. I am closer than I was 6 months ago. Have an actual appointment with legal services on Thursday. This will be the final step to show him I am serious and I want out. I am willing to take the consequences of whatever they are financially because I just can't live in a loveless, sexless, toxic marriage anymore! Thanks for sharing all of your truths people. Helps us lonely strugglers in moving forward on the road to singlehood. 9 years ago
      • CARRIE Wow. SAME. STORY. HERE. I feel so alone having all these feelings that were all mentioned. I'm frozen in fear of breaking up the family so I do nothing and stay in a loveless marriage. The rest of my family and most of my friends just don't understand why I would leave such a great guy. People see us (we have 9 year old twin boys) as the poster family for a good looking and happy family. I can't live that lie anymore. Yet when I think of all the changes my life, as well as my kids, will change I get paralyzed with fear. But I come to this app often and read posts that inspire me to live the life my soul is craving. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy and think the type of man I want to be with is not really out there. That I'm just a hopeless romantic. And there are always many people telling me HE DOESNT EXIST. So that makes me doubt myself.... And once again I'm stuck in fear. It's been this way for 3 years now. We haven't had sex in over a year. We are in counseling now but ....its that little voice I still hear whispering to me that says things will still not change. Because my husband doesn't need to change. He's not doing anything wrong. Wonderful man....great father....great provider.....just not the man for me. No passion. I need a stronger man....physically and emotionally. Maybe that's called dominant?? Idk. But I do know what I have now is not enough. Now I'm just Tks for everyone else sharing their honest feelings so I can get advice and get inspired to really love my life. Tks for listening too :) 9 years ago
        • Rachael This is exactly the same for me - my husband is a lovely person, a caring and reliable husband, a great dad - I feel like I must be crazy to throw all that away! But I honestly feel for him like a brother - I have never ever been truly attracted to him sexually, if I am honest. But I kidded myself it didn't matter - that passion never lasts anyway. Everyone says - lust fades etc etc. And I thought maybe things would get better, that we were just young and inexperienced and once we learnt more about each other's bodies and communicated, then sex would improve. But 18 years and 3 kids later, I have finally admitted to myself that evenings dreading sex and hoping that he would be asleep is not OK for either of us! I just can't pretend anymore. I don't want to have sex with him ever again. But I also don't want to lose the family life that we have and the friend that he is to me. He cannot accept or understand why I don't want sex with him. He is hurt and angry and says I am just not trying. But how can you magic up sexual chemistry if it just isn't there? 7 years ago
          • JAPES Oh wow. This mirrors my situation in spades. A long time spent as partner to a lovely, wonderful woman, and we had a good sex life initially - but there was always a disconnect that I felt. 4 years of counselling made me aware of my own non-presence in life generally, and the kicker was that it was this very non-presence that enabled me to deny the lack of real physical attraction - as soon as I started to become present with my own needs and feelings, the lack of attraction on anything other than a deep friendship level became untenable for me. Result is the current situation - a painful split, though we are trying to do it as gently and consciously as possible. Lots of feelings of guilt though, as she still loves and is attracted to me - but I simply cannot give her what she needs out of the relationship - so what to do? Muddle on into late middle age with a loving, caring relationship sans spark - more brother and sister than lovers - or do the unthinkable and separate? Really there is only one option for the good of both our souls, and as an experience for learning and growth I think it will reap dividends for us both in the long term, but in the moment it's difficult to see through the pain and sadness to a brighter future, despite knowing it's there. As many have said though - chemistry can't be made, or faked... 7 years ago
      • Highschoolunsweetheart I'm shocked at how many people are in the same situation as me. Married for over 10 years, together all through high school, two kids and a 'happy' life. The trouble is, I was just going through the normal phases of life and never truly desired him or this life. He is my best friend, but it feels like a platonic friendship where I feel obligated to have sex. The sex is good but that's because 100% of the time it's not him I am imagining. I close my eyes and imagine being in love and attracted to the person I'm being intimate with. I want to be in love, feel the butterflies, get excited, etc. is that unattainable and silly to desire? I'm over being content and mediocre. 7 years ago
    • eloisemay I am in the situation. Overall, my boyfriend of 18 months is a really, really good good. But, we have never had chemistry and I just feel that there's a deeper connection missing. He has been so reliable for me over the last year during some tough times in my life. And, I have also been that way for him. I really care about him, but I know deep down that I cannot make this work. I can't. He is not unattractive, but I do not feel attraction for him- no desire for kissing or sex although I don't mind hugging. It feels extremely platonic to me. My issue is that I have tried to bring up my feelings to him three times now and have tried to break it off. Each time, it involves a lot of sadness and crying and pain. But, he convinces me (and a part of me wants to be convinced so that I avoid putting us both through a lot of pain) to "work on it." I don't know what I'm supposed to work on. I'm in my mid 30's and can't see how a marriage with zero intimacy would be good for either of us. This has been the most heart wrenching break up I've had. I just can't seem to work through it so I sort of ho-hum along with him and act like things are fine although my mind is always thinking, "leave, leave, leave." 7 years ago
    • Splooster Can anyone tell me how this worked out for them? I've been with my guy for13 years and for about the past 5 I've felt this way. We own a home together and the thought of having to "start over" makes me feel ill. Like you all he is a wonderful person but every time we have sex I feel like I'm being raped. I just want it over with. Also like you all I went for kindness and stability over passion and things in common. I faked an earache for the entirety of our last holiday so we didn't have to have sex. I can't live like this anymore and the worst part is I don't WANT to work on it. How can you get an attraction that was never there back? Help please. I know it will kill him but I can't do this anymore. 7 years ago
    • magicdragon I too wonder how things have worked out for everyone since this started. My own story - surprisingly - mimics this. In a relationship now for a little over 20 years. Wonderful person, amazing parent. We share a home, have a 7 year old, and everything else is nearly great. We too are held up as the "banner" couple - yet, if you really look at it, there hasn't been any touching, any real emotional happiness for years. We've gone to counseling, but other than emerging from it feeling like a complete shit, I can't say it's helped. Recently, very recently, I think I realized that I was never really attracted to him. We met when I was very young and had only dated a few people for very short times. He came along after I moved to a new city and well, I've been with him since. Now, though, I can't get it out of my mind. Sex has always been an issue for us -- I assumed (and so did he) -- that i was always the problem. Until recently. I just don't think I've really ever been attracted to him physically. Mentally - yes, but phsically and even emotionally, I don't think so. Now I find myself looking at apartments and feeling scared, sad, nervous, etc. We haven't talked about this - and I don't think I want to, other than to ask for a trial separation. BUT, does it make sense to ask for a trial separation if really nothing is bound to change? Or, is it okay to go for that as a means to working out the real separation? Ugh. Rambling now, but . nice to see that there are others out there too. Would love to hear from others. 6 years ago
    • sfb525 I was so relieved to find this discussion, as I had been feeling terribly guilty for years over my lack of physical attraction to my husband. I thought I was being superficial and that other types of love and attraction would prevail. As the years passed, I found myself longing for a primal physical attraction that was just not there. I felt such despair thinking I must be the only person in the world who felt this way. I am still undecided as to whether to stay or split, but I would like to hear from you all on how things turned out. Also, what helped you through the decision? What insight do you have now that several years have passed? 6 years ago
    • notsurewhattodo I am so glad to have found this conversation! I am in a very similar situation. Lately she has been very stressed and I am stressed too because of my work. So we end up having these microaggressions towards each other. Never gets abusive or physical between us. But there is this constant stress about "what's it going to be today?" (if that makes sense). We used to be really awesome friends. Like many others have mentioned here, sex was really not our thing. I married her because I was young, and I felt pressured to get married after five years of dating. Been married for 11 years now (together for 16 years). The things that glued us together (such as humor, enjoying similar shows/movies, food etc) are also fading off at this point. We are more like roommates that get along well. I have a question for the people who have separated - We have 5-year old twins. She is a great mom to the kids, and my kids are everything to me. How did the kids react when you separated? Did they act up? We are so proud of our kids. They are so easy going and well mannered. I just don't want to see changes in them because of the issues and faults of dad and mom. 6 years ago
      • sfb525 Hi Notsure. I have not yet decided what to do either, but I have found several books very helpful as I am working through this. First, the idea of a Parenting Marriage, as championed by Susan Pease Gadoua. Also, the book Conscious Uncoupling (Katherine Woodward Thomas) helped me see a better way to split than my parents. Finally, Coming Apart (Daphne Rose Kingma) and Divorce: A Love Story (Weiler/Menkens) helped me come to terms with the idea that the marriage had a purpose that was fulfilled and that it may or may not be time to move on. You may also enjoy Mating in Captivity (Perel) and Come As You Are (Nagoski). 6 years ago
      • Sbuhu Hi, it’s my first anniversary this weekend and I feel the same way. I feel like I’m not attracted to him at all but he’s such a good guy in all other aspects. Halfway through sex I feel like crying. I don’t think we’ve used up even one whole box of condoms in this first year together. It was an arranged marriage. I need to make this work. I don’t know how or what to do. I don’t know how to talk to him about this either. I don’t want to be miserable and make him miserable too. He’s a good man. But sexually there’s zero chemistry. Everything bothers me even his smell. What can I do to turn this around? 6 years ago
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