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  • Wisc94m Well, I am here on this anonymous site because I need some advice. I've been killing myself reading article after article, thing after thing online about "fixing marriages" "divorce hurts children" "kids are resultant". I swear it's like reading about the myriad of diet options. I realize only I can decide what is best for me, but I'd like to share my story and see what this community has to say. So, here is my situation. Married over ten years, two kids, double income, nice house in the burbs. My husband is funny, athletic, really smart and spends plenty of time with the kids. We get along well, as in we don't argue about money, directions, what to do on vacation, etc. We sometimes disagree about kid discipline, but not much. In the last year I've mentioned Divorce seriously to him twice. He doesn't want any part of it. He thinks we can "be really good together." But I don't feel appreciated, desired or truly loved. The sad part is, I'm never sure I was. I think I fell for him because he was unlike other boyfriends...not falling all over me, had his own life, a bit of a challenge. I think he has said I love you maybe three times and meant it truly. He's emotionally unavailable, won't talk about his feelings, has never iniated sex. When we do have sex it is pretty good, but I would like it a whole lot more. He doesn't set a good example for kids on showing appreciation or expressing thanks or admiration. I run the household and schedules, take care of about 80% of everything with kids. Since our last couple of talks, he's made some efforts, saying thanks and expressing gratitude. But now it seems so forced and I can't appreciate it. I think I turned a point where it's too late. I'm not sure I'm in love with him and I resent the time lost that I could have been in a different type of relationship. We are essentially very good friends, but I don't want to grow old with a friend, I want a passionate lover who sees me for all the good that I am. Someone who is capable of sharing their feelings and genuinely meaning it. Divorce would be devastating to our kids and I worry about their straight As going to Ds and that they will hate me. I'm at a crossroads and need to make a decision. On a side note I am talking to a counselor...he won't go to marriage counseling and I'm not sure I want to anyway. 9 years ago   *   8 replies
    • TDOG oh my woman, you have come to the right place!! SHIT. We don't always marry the person we are supposed to grow old with. for whatever reason, it worked for you when you chose him, and now it doesn't. there are TONS of articles on here about how if your divorce is done correctly - it c an be actually really healthy learning experience for your kids. Both of you have the be willing to put whatever greivances you have aside and just focus on being fantastic co-parents. can you find out if he is willing to do that? it sounds to me that he is REALLY shut down and could be active in another addiction of some sort that makes him unavailable for sex, intimacy, emotional closeness.... has that been explored? i cannot believe he wont go to marriage counseling. that is just ridiculous. 9 years ago
      • Wisc94m Thanks for the replies of understanding! Good to know I am not alone. I don't think he has any addictions. He grew up in a household where no affection was shown and his dad is much like him, unappreciative and oblivious that his wife might need some appreciation. I would guess he's modeling similar behavior. He is also really good at everything he does, never fails, so he probably wouldn't ever admit he is flawed that way. He has admitted to some things during recent talks. After my counseling appointment yesterday it is more clear to me I need to get my ducks in a row and then present him with my plan and request for divorce. I really want to avoid lawyers and go to mediation with week to week custody. I have no idea if he will be cooperative, but I am hopeful!! 9 years ago
    • LOVEISCRAZY maybe the kids will be relieved somehow that the "perfect" family that is bring projected out to the world isn't so perfect. maybe they would be better off with a mom living authentically rather than just going along with the program because you "should"..... i've been there...... gone thru all of this..... my ex and I now lovingly co=parent..... i am so grateful not to be trying to be the "perfect family" anymore. 9 years ago
      • plasterdust Wow, I can strongly relate to this...big time, 3 weeks post "telling the kids" and they all still go to school, get good grades and don't hate either of us. If that is helpful at all...still not quite sure how to separate finances and move out. I say go for it and keep us posted on the process! 9 years ago
    • RAN "He is good at everything he does?" I see what you mean, that he's accomplished in a resume-building or outward-society-approving way... Except for not showing affection; not being concerned for your feelings, wants, desires; not making you feel wanted; not being expressive with you OR with your kids... He never says he loves you. He doesn't initiate sex. He won't go to counseling. ---> He doesn't love you. And you realize it. But He may not realize it himself, or maybe he refuses to consider because he'll feel like a failure. (Which is threatening, cause he's -so good- at everything he does...). Is he a narcissist? The refusing therapy thing is weird, especially cause he sounds intelligent, likes to learn new skills, is open to challenges, etc IDK, Wisc, I was So unhappy when my wife decided we needed to separate. almost a year ago now. Absolutely miserable. For months and months. But I'm glad she forced it. Because I was miserable in the marriage, and had just kept soldiering on for years. Was a good father – but not a good husband. It's better we're apart. I did not want to accept it at first. She fell in love immediately, so that made it more emotional for me; but again, separating (and almost divorced) will be the best life event for me since kids were born. (Def best for her too – so far.) We spared the kids conflict, have acted like adults with minimal drama, and our kids are fine. So many divorces & separations now -- they will have a lot of company. And yes resilient, long as they're not used as pawns, and are loved by both of you. Carry on. He won't hear it from you, but he'll prob be happier in the long run. (Maybe his divorced-guy friends will tell him). And you will def be happier. (And your kids will see that). Let us know what happens -- struck a chord with me :) 9 years ago
    • LOVEISCRAZY WISC94M so what's the latest? 9 years ago
      • Wisc94m Thanks all for responding. @RAN you speak some truth! The latest is I told him on July 2 that I was strongly considering getting out and that if we were to divorce I wanted it to be amicable and week to week custody with the kids. He cried (which I've seen maybe a handful of times in 18 yrs). He basically begged me for another chance to show me how much I mean to him and that our life can be really good together. I believe him when he says he didn't fully realize until that day how serious I am/was have been. The weeks since then have been mostly good. He's stepped things up a lot. He's made a huge effort in some areas. Taking care of responsibilities that were mostly things I've handled, being more touchy-feely, making an effort to come to bed with me at night instead of falling asleep on the couch and also talking about things. This is big for him, he actually said he feels better talking about things. And he told me he realized he is an idiot if he can't make his hot wife happy, and I agree!! I haven't wore my wedding ring in months and that bothers him, but I'm just not feeling it. There are days I really question things, if I should stick it out, or leave. I constantly question myself and my life. I want to believe in lovey-dovey romantic stuff, but I'm not sure it exists, anywhere. So for the time being I'm here and taking it day by day. I am looking forward to a couple days of a solo vacation next month, no kids, no husband just me some books and a lake. Perhaps I'll find the answers I'm looking for. 8 years ago
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