Well so here I am... 50 y.o., married almost 20 years, mom...

Back to topics

axel Well so here I am... 50 y.o., married almost 20 years, mom of 2 teenagers. I've been deeply unsatisfied in my marriage since nearly the beginning. At this point, with the exception of the children we have absolutely nothing in common and quite honestly we don't like each other very much. He would deny that, but even I don't like who I am when I am with him. We seldom fight anymore, mostly because I have given up communicating with him on all but the most practical matters. What time is dinner? Who's picking up the kids? Things like that. We are basically house mates (we do not share a bedroom for sometime now). I think staying in a marriage that is not demonstrating love, friendship, respect, teamwork is the worst possible message we can send our kids, and it is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. My husband is not a bad guy. In fact he's a nice guy, that's what makes this so hard. I told him I thought we should separate. He disagrees and has basically said that he has no where to go and is not leaving. So now what? He won't leave, we are not working toward improving our relationship. How do I take the next step... what is the next step... How do you talk to your kids about this? 9 years ago * 11 replies User reported
- alphabeta why is he disagreeing? "for the kids" argument? or more like "this is my house and i am not leaving"? figuring out a way to transition out of this relationship in an honest healthy way will be tough but it's doable. 9 years ago User reported
- 12345 what have the kids said thus far? do they know you guys dont sleep together and barely speak ? i didnt want to model an passionless sexless marriage for my kids. not that they would know how often we had sex but they wouldnt see what 2 people in love look like. ever. 9 years ago User reported
- Team Splitsville welcome! 9 years ago User reported
- azblu67 Yes, what is his argument for staying together? I guess I can understand him not leaving in the physical sense since you have been existing for so long as roommates. But you can go get a separation without him agreeing to it, maybe consult a lawyer to see what your rights are? I have known a few couple who have lived together yet separately while divorcing. Just be honest with your kids, they are teenagers and probably able to see what is happening, or not happening as far as the love goes...kids are a lot more in tune than we sometimes give them credit for. HUGS, sorry you have to go through this! 9 years ago User reported
- joy I could have written your post myself except I have 26 years of marriage, am upper 50 in age and have a 23 year old. For years I have said I loved my husband who is a great guy, hard working, and a good father...if only. I have tried to overlook the verbal abuse,alcoholism,and other issues. My son has know for years that our marriage has not been good and although I strive to live without regret, I am sure he would have been better off if we had dissolved our marriage when he was younger. I met with an attorney 2 years ago but backed off. I now have another appointment with her and have decided to take that next step.Yes, I am afraid... 9 years ago User reported
  - brooklynblue I cannot get over how hard we hold on.... I'm sorry but so glad you are making moves. 9 years ago User reported
- JennieNYC Can you find a really good couples counselor? I suggest an Imago therapist- they are fantastic. It sounds like there is much to save here, and a lot of history. Being divorced at this age (I am 47, so I know) is not great, I'm not gonna lie. If you are married to a nice man and you've grown apart, I really strongly suggest you investigate whether there is any way to put your marriage back together. That said, I understand where you're coming from- I felt the same way in my marriage and then when it ended I wished I had done more, because when you resolve the petty resentments that add up over the years sometimes you can find the love again. 9 years ago User reported
  - ellsie I, too, would recommend a good Imago therapist. While it didn't save my marriage, I learned a great deal about myself and reasons why I made the choices I did. So at 49, after 23 years and 4 kids I moved on. The most difficult move I've made, but also one of the best decisions. Life has been a struggle, but I continue to learn about myself and have never looked back. If you can get your husband to participate, all the better. But this therapy can be done solo as well and, even if your intention is not to save the marriage, you should learn enough about yourself to not repeat the same mistakes or make similar choices next time around. Best of luck! 9 years ago User reported
- Margot53 I decided to leave a very similar situation. I have been out of the house now for a little more than a year and divorced since this summer. My husband also refused to leave, and that has been one of the hardest parts for me. Not the house, but that because he is still in the family home, my older sons are with him on school breaks and visits home. I am in a small apartment and miss having a houseful. Overall, I am less anxious and depressed than when sharing space with a very controlling and negative person, but the losses were much more than I bargained for. I feel like an outcast. My friends and famiy have cut me out of their lives. I hope that things improve, and that I can find a new life, but at this point it really feels like the best parts are over. I am hoping that reading other women's stories gives me a better outlook. 9 years ago User reported
  - Stuckinla How are you now Margot? 7 years ago User reported
- Stuckinla What did you do Axel? 7 years ago User reported

Member sign in

Your new life starts here.

Chat

Trending